money – The Beezly Street Gazette

Ebay Launches Electric Shock App To Settle Disputes

May 14, 2015 by Editor 1 Comment

Online auction giants EBay have launched a new app that allows buyers and sellers to zap each other with painful electric shocks.

A seller from Leeds said:

“This is absolutely bloody brilliant. I’m involved in a dispute right now, where a stupid woman that bought a £300 jacket off me for two quid is moaning because the button is loose. If I could zap her in the face with a bolt of electricity instead of answering her moany messages, I’d even pay the postage back,”

Buyers will be able to zap sellers if the garden gnome they ordered looked massive in the picture, but it’s the size of a matchbox when it eventually turns up two weeks late with its nose missing. EBay states that they will only be allowed to use the function if they have read the bloody description properly.

A spokesperson for EBay said:

“Unfortunately, the public can be complete and total morons sometimes, whether they are buyers or sellers. We were thinking of out outsourcing our gargantuan support team to somewhere a bit cheaper, but letting people zap each other instead of complaining to us about it is a far more satisfying and cost effective way of settling disputes,”

Filed Under: computers, E Commerce, News Tagged With: app, auction, broken, buyer, contract, customer service, dispute, e commerce, ebay, fees, forum, funny, hit piece, insurance, item, legal, lost, money, news, payment, paypal, refund, reivews, review, satire, satirical, seller, shopping basket, stolen

Beer And ‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Bands And Musicians

April 30, 2015 by Editor 35 Comments

A recent change in the law will allow musicians to exchange free beer, buffet food and ‘exposure’ for petrol, rent and guitar strings. Under the new legislation, it will be possible to pay for studio time or even a mortgage, by mentioning the ‘really big gig’ you performed at last week for no money, especially if there were celebs at it.

A bass player from Manchester said:

“This is really good news for bands and musicians. I’m looking forward to buying a new bass with the sausage rolls and four pints of Strongbow I was promised for doing a wedding last week. At last, the government are doing something to support working musicians,”

Under the old law, it was impossible to pay for any kind of goods or service with the bullshit idea that you are ‘getting your name out there’ by entertaining a bored crowd that have never heard of you, trying their hardest to get legless and cop off with each other at a badly organised event. But this new legislation paves the way for people that don’t want to pay for bands to hire bands, and for musicians to pay their mortgages with plastic glasses of warm ale and vague promises of future paid work.

“I was offered an unpaid spot at a posh wedding, on the promise that there were influential people among the guests that might help my career. I’m looking forward to name-dropping some B-list celebs and people off the telly at my building society, and getting a third off my mortgage this month,”

Said a professional flute player from Southampton.

“I’ve been a professional musician for fifteen years, and I normally feel like telling people to fuck off when they ask me to do stuff like that. But now I can finally afford to live on the total twaddle of some tight fisted bugger that wants me to do them a favour and doesn’t want to pay me,”

Photo from Wikipedia

Filed Under: Arts, music Tagged With: band, band camp, band jokes, bass player, benefits, comedy, cost, covers, creatives, drummer jokes, exposure, flute player, funny, gigs, guitar player, hit piece, humor, humour, money, music, musician, musician jokes, paid, rehearsal, rock, satire, singer, spoof, tax, unpaid, working for free, working musician

‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Photographers

April 28, 2015 by Editor 47 Comments

A change in the law will allow photographers to pay rent on their homes & studios with ‘exposure’ instead of money. They will also be able to buy coffee, shampoo and other essentials, by mentioning to the checkout assistant that they did a big job last week for nothing, and are hoping it will bring them some paying clients.

Landlords and supermarkets are protesting this move, on the grounds that “Well what the hell am I supposed to do with ‘exposure’? I can’t pay my bills with fresh bloody air! Why can’t you just give me money like every bugger else?”

The controversial new change will allow photographers to pay for their homes and studios by doing freebies for people that want pictures of their spoiled daughter at her expensive Sweet Sixteen party, pictures of their hair-brained new business idea, or a range of merchandise they plan to sell on EBay.

The owner of an online sausage website said:

“This is a very good deal, and I can’t understand what you’re all moaning about. I own a big sausage factory, and when people see that you have photographed my famous sausages, you’ll be beating off paying clients with a mucky stick. Everybody knows that’s how it works. If you think about it, I’m actually doing you a favor by letting you photograph my sausages,”

Photographers themselves claim that they don’t really give a shit how famous your sausages are, or how many wealthy parents will be at your daughter’s swanky party that cost a grand to put on.

“The old saying went – if you pay peanuts you get monkeys,”

Said a professional photographer from Leeds.

“It used to be that if you planned to pay in imaginary benefits, good luck with your imaginary professional photographer, and the top notch professional service that you won’t be receiving. They’ll probably throw in imaginary re-touching and shoot it on a fictional Hasselblad as well,

“But with this new change in the law, I can actually pay the rent on my studio by spending the whole afternoon photographing someone’s annoying children for nothing. I can even get a free coffee in Starbucks by whipping out my portfolio and showing them all the many hours of retouching I did on some bright orange teenager whose mum told her she could be a model. This has revolutionized the field of photography, and I couldn’t be more delighted,”

A spokesperson for the National Landlords Association said:

“This is absolutely outrageous. How can anyone in their right minds hope to pay for goods and services with ‘exposure’? If we’re forced to accept the promise of future work in lieu of actual money, we’re all going to go bankrupt!”