Amateur Re-Touching With Photoshop To Be Banned

A new law that bans clueless amateur photographers from creepily over-Photoshopping pictures of models is expected to come into force next year.


Under the new legislation, photographers could be fined or have their computers confiscated, if they press the skin smoother button too many times and make the model look like a boiled egg with lipstick on.

The practise of Photoshopping model’s pubic hair to your own personal preference, or rubbing their knickers out so it looks they were naked will also carry a heavy fine.

“This new legislation couldn’t be more welcome,”

Said a 25 year old glamour model from Essex.

“I don’t mind a bit of airbrushing, but when they make you look like a creepy wax doll with Lara Croft tits, and then proudly post the photos all over Facebook, it’s a bit embarrassing to be honest. I don’t know if some of these pricks are into necrophilia, because I swear I look like I’ve been recently embalmed in some of the pictures.  One of them made my mum cry,”

Amateur photographers will still be able to use Photoshop, but if they want a model with enormous tits or a particular type of knicker moustache, they will have to find one, instead of randomly inflating or cloning their body parts.

A professional photographer said:

“Photoshop is a powerful tool, and in the wrong hands it can be tragic. We all know that pictures of celebrities and models are often heavily airbrushed. But that doesn’t mean you should remove people’s knickers or arbitrarily give them massive knockers, when they only have normal sized ones, or rearrange their face a bit and bugger about with their eyebrows, while muttering ‘Mu-hahaha, I’ll fix you my pretty. You’re perfect now!’”

Photo from this article.

Victoria’s Secret To Show Knickers On Normal Arses

Manufacturers put women wearing knickers on packets of knickers, to prevent women from accidentally putting them on the dog, wearing them on their heads, or attempting to use them as driving gloves.

But posh knicker-models Rosie Huntington-Whitley and Lara Stone could soon be out of a job, after a women on Facebook asked lingerie brand Victoria’s Secret, for pictures of their knickers on just a normal, nice arse.


“Oh yeah, we never thought of that,”

Said Victoria’s Secret.

“We’ll look into putting them on some normal-sized arses, like some great big ones that are still smokin’, and some smaller peachy, dimply ones, and ones that wobble a bit, so that you can imagine what they will look like on your own arse, instead of seeing them stretched over the perfectly spherical, cellulite-free globes of an 18 year old former gymnast. Which most of our customers aren’t. What a fantastic idea,”

Another Facebooker pointed out that putting a pair of control pants on a model that wouldn’t need control pants, even after being trapped in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory on shark week, doesn’t really help to show what they look like.

“Another great point, well made,”

Said the famous knicker-makers.

“We can totally see how putting control pants on somebody that doesn’t need to wear control pants, and then Photoshopping the crap out of them, so that they look like a bathing costume for a worm isn’t very helpful. We’ll put that right immediately,”

Photographer Terry Richardson To Be Neutered

Bafflingly popular photographer Terry Richardson is to be surgically neutered, said a spokesperson for the Fashion Council today.


In a statement made to the press, the spokesperson said:

“After reviewing the evidence and testimonials, the decision has been taken to send him to the vets and get him done. He should be up and about in a few weeks, but his disgusting old penis won’t be,”

“This is fantastic news,” said one 21 year old model, who wished to remain anonymous. “We’re all very tired of ‘Uncle Terry’ and his horrible old willy. He’s like some disgusting geography teacher with a camera. I say lop it all off and mount it on a spike at the Tower of London,”

“Can we have his thumbs chopped off as well?” said another industry insider.

“That would have the duel benefit of him not being able to even hold a camera, and stop him from putting his smelly thumb in people’s mouths when they don’t want him to. Then we can all get some peace from the lecherous old fart,”

“Why not just hack both his bloody hands off instead?” said a former model agent’s assistant, that witnessed several shoots as a young P.A.

“Then he won’t be able to just start jacking off in the middle of a shoot, like one of those filthy monkeys from the zoo,”

The spokesperson replied to the suggestions, stating that they weren’t considering surgically removing both of his hands and feeding them to a crocodile at the moment, but that they would definitely bear this feedback in mind for the future.