modelling tips – The Beezly Street Gazette

Models Can Now Spend ‘Exposure’ At La Perla And ASOS

Jobbing models everywhere are getting a financial break from the government.

Until now, promises of ‘exposure’ from photographers and companies were almost completely useless, and usually just way to con some free tits for a photo shoot.

But models can now convert ‘exposure’ into vouchers and spend them on expensive underwear and dresses for shoots.

A model from London said:

“I’m over the moon! I’m always being asked to take part in some bullshit shoot that some silly man has dreamed up, so he can boss a nubile young women about and be the envy of his mates. The last time I did one I was a calendar, and I was Miss December. I was wrapped up like a parcel, with just my arms, legs and boobs sticking out. He promised me it would be great ‘exposure’, and I was young and naïve. I looked like I’d been murdered by Father Christmas, and it made my mum cry. I think this is a great scheme,”

Tight-arsed photographers also welcome the scheme.

“I don’t pay models. In fact, I think they should pay me, the greedy young harpies, as I am providing a service for them. One of my pictures was published in Razzle in 1984, and I’ve been a photographer for fifty million years. Under this scheme, the level of ‘exposure’ I promise them can be converted into vouchers that they can use to buy knickers and dresses. I sat up all night planning my next shoot. It’s got eleven busty blondes, rose petals and swirly lollypops in. I can’t wait to get started,”

Concern that the vouchers only allow models to buy frivolous things like pants and frocks has been levelled at the scheme. A spokesperson for the treasury replied:

“Oh come on, we all know that models don’t have to do ordinary things like pay rent and buy milk. All they do all day is sit around in their negligees giggling and eating bonbons. This is really a break for the poor photographers, that have spent several thousand pounds on equipment and software, want to faff around with boobs and lighting all afternoon, yet mysteriously have no money left over to pay anyone,”

Silly Old Tossers Banned From Being Photographers

A new law that bans silly old farts from buying expensive cameras and pretending to be model photographers, is coming into force next year.

Under the new legislation, silly old farts will still be allowed to spend three grand on a posh camera and lots of shiny new lenses. They will not be banned from taking pictures of jobbing models in Primark knickers, pretending that they’re doing it for the art, or from attending model workshops where the lighting is all set up for them.

The new law will however, prevent ridiculous old gits from setting up pages on Facebook pretending to be professional, jet-setting model photographers, that spend their days beating off lush young fanny with a shitty stick and getting paid for the privilege.

“It’s high time something was done about this,”

Said a spokesperson for real model photographers, that actually get paid to photograph models, and don’t pretend to their mates that they sleep with all of them and get stalked by them and stuff.

“These people are an absolute embarrassment to the craft. Anyone can set up a professional page on Facebook now, and spend all their spare cash on hiring busty young women to arch their backs and wedge de-thorned rose stems in their buttocks, and then use selective colour on it. No professional model photographer would make ‘nudge nudge, wink wink’ comments on Facebook about shagging all the models, that actually found them rather tedious and were just being polite,”

The new law is welcomed by the sons and daughters of silly old farts with cameras, as it will prevent their fathers from making total tools of themselves, with their newfound fantasy lifestyle.

A spokeswoman for the support group “Dads With Cams” said:

“We are all extremely relieved about the new legislation. My Dad has been really embarrassing since his divorce. He pays these women loads of money to pose for him, and then pretends that he gets paid for it. I know he’s not sleeping with any of them really, and they’re just jobbing models that want to earn a bit of money by keeping a lonely old man company for two hours and getting some nice pictures. I wish he’d just book an escort once or twice a week to cheer himself up, and not blog about it on the bloody Internet like he’s Terry bloody Richardson,”

A new law banning both the ‘Heel Caught In Thong’ shot in selective colour, and the ‘American Beauty’ rose petal shot, but with just two scabby little roses, is being discussed in Parliament next week.