Models Can Now Spend ‘Exposure’ At La Perla And ASOS

Jobbing models everywhere are getting a financial break from the government.

Until now, promises of ‘exposure’ from photographers and companies were almost completely useless, and usually just way to con some free tits for a photo shoot.

But models can now convert ‘exposure’ into vouchers and spend them on expensive underwear and dresses for shoots.

A model from London said:

“I’m over the moon! I’m always being asked to take part in some bullshit shoot that some silly man has dreamed up, so he can boss a nubile young women about and be the envy of his mates. The last time I did one I was a calendar, and I was Miss December. I was wrapped up like a parcel, with just my arms, legs and boobs sticking out. He promised me it would be great ‘exposure’, and I was young and naïve. I looked like I’d been murdered by Father Christmas, and it made my mum cry. I think this is a great scheme,”

Tight-arsed photographers also welcome the scheme.

“I don’t pay models. In fact, I think they should pay me, the greedy young harpies, as I am providing a service for them. One of my pictures was published in Razzle in 1984, and I’ve been a photographer for fifty million years. Under this scheme, the level of ‘exposure’ I promise them can be converted into vouchers that they can use to buy knickers and dresses. I sat up all night planning my next shoot. It’s got eleven busty blondes, rose petals and swirly lollypops in. I can’t wait to get started,”

Concern that the vouchers only allow models to buy frivolous things like pants and frocks has been levelled at the scheme. A spokesperson for the treasury replied:

“Oh come on, we all know that models don’t have to do ordinary things like pay rent and buy milk. All they do all day is sit around in their negligees giggling and eating bonbons. This is really a break for the poor photographers, that have spent several thousand pounds on equipment and software, want to faff around with boobs and lighting all afternoon, yet mysteriously have no money left over to pay anyone,”

Are You Beach Body Ready?

You’ve read the adverts, you’ve seen the infomercials, and now you too can be ‘Beach Body Ready’ with a military issue body bag!

Objectors to the new trend say it’s “morbid” and “creepy” and “restrictive”. But we say going on holiday is about what total strangers think of your ass, rather than enjoying yourself and having fun.

As we all know, beaches are not allowed to be fun unless you look like a fitness model. So volleyball, paddling, swimming and sunbathing are holiday no-nos for you I’m afraid. Somebody might look at your butt, and then where will we be? In hell, that’s where. And it will be all your fault for having an ordinary butt.

Instead of walking about or swimming on the beach in a bikini or swimsuit, you simply zip yourself into the bag and pretend to be a corpse for the duration of your holiday. As you can see from the photo, you won’t miss out on your holiday Pina Colada – simply unzip the bag and quickly take a drink while no-one is looking. You could even get one of those big long bendy straws and feed it through a tiny hole in the zip. Just take care to remain motionless, or somebody might call the paramedics.

This radical new beachwear solves all of your completely out-of-proportion body woes in one wipe-clean swish of a zip, and doubles as a dry cleaning bag when you get home.

Crafty gals can cut slits in the bottom of the bag, so that they can walk about in the dead of night without disturbing anyone’s holiday by not looking like Christy Turlington.

Black is an incredibly slimming colour, and we’re sure you’ll love hiding your awful, terrible, imperfect body away by pretending to be dead during your holiday.

The 100% opaque outer casing of the bag deflects the sun’s harmful UV rays, so there is no need to wear sun lotion. How liberating is that? And you’ll sweat so much inside the plastic bag that you will lose up to ten pounds over the course of a week. Imagine that – going on holiday and coming back a whole ten pounds lighter! You can enjoy all of these benefits and more by simply zipping up and lying down. We bet you’re really looking forward to your week in the sun now.

Silly Old Tossers Banned From Being Photographers

A new law that bans silly old farts from buying expensive cameras and pretending to be model photographers, is coming into force next year.

Under the new legislation, silly old farts will still be allowed to spend three grand on a posh camera and lots of shiny new lenses. They will not be banned from taking pictures of jobbing models in Primark knickers, pretending that they’re doing it for the art, or from attending model workshops where the lighting is all set up for them.

The new law will however, prevent ridiculous old gits from setting up pages on Facebook pretending to be professional, jet-setting model photographers, that spend their days beating off lush young fanny with a shitty stick and getting paid for the privilege.

“It’s high time something was done about this,”

Said a spokesperson for real model photographers, that actually get paid to photograph models, and don’t pretend to their mates that they sleep with all of them and get stalked by them and stuff.

“These people are an absolute embarrassment to the craft. Anyone can set up a professional page on Facebook now, and spend all their spare cash on hiring busty young women to arch their backs and wedge de-thorned rose stems in their buttocks, and then use selective colour on it. No professional model photographer would make ‘nudge nudge, wink wink’ comments on Facebook about shagging all the models, that actually found them rather tedious and were just being polite,”

The new law is welcomed by the sons and daughters of silly old farts with cameras, as it will prevent their fathers from making total tools of themselves, with their newfound fantasy lifestyle.

A spokeswoman for the support group “Dads With Cams” said:

“We are all extremely relieved about the new legislation. My Dad has been really embarrassing since his divorce. He pays these women loads of money to pose for him, and then pretends that he gets paid for it. I know he’s not sleeping with any of them really, and they’re just jobbing models that want to earn a bit of money by keeping a lonely old man company for two hours and getting some nice pictures. I wish he’d just book an escort once or twice a week to cheer himself up, and not blog about it on the bloody Internet like he’s Terry bloody Richardson,”

A new law banning both the ‘Heel Caught In Thong’ shot in selective colour, and the ‘American Beauty’ rose petal shot, but with just two scabby little roses, is being discussed in Parliament next week.

Daily Mail Under Impression That Lara Stone Is ‘Forlorn’

After splitting with comedian David Walliams, the imposing 6 footer and wildly successful model went to the shop in spiky leather ankle boots in the rain, and her hair got blown about a bit.

Lara “kept her head down,” said the Daily Mail, above a picture of a clear picture of the model with her head up.

Experts believe that not putting any lippy on and not being pictured at a swanky nightclub standing next to a none-famous bloke or “mystery man” may have caused the confusion.

“I’ve never seen somebody that tall, in spiky leather boots and a designer coat that would make most people look like a hippo, look frankly less ‘forlorn’,”

Said a first-time reader of the Daily Mail.

“Do they just make it all up as they’re going along? Is there like a list of words from Victorian romance novels that you have to use when somebody splits up with their husband? Maybe the writer mixed her up with the dog, as he looks a bit wet and forlorn, and he’s got his head down,”

Meanwhile, ex husband David was “all smiles” as he went about his job, which involves making people laugh and being friendly to them, because he is a famous comedian.

The Mail then urged readers to copy Lara’s “Forlorn” and whimsical outfit, consisting of a badass dress, leggings and spiked leather boots.

Photo credit: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2982270/Lara-Stone-cuts-forlorn-figure-sighting-splitting-husband-David-Walliams.html

UKIP Leaflets Feature Topless Katie Hopkins

UKIP has hired acidic TV rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins to help with a new PR campaign, designed to appeal to women.

The posters and leaflets featuring a smiling, braless Hopkins dressed in a cheeky, topless SS uniform-style dress, designed by scowling, spoon-headed, half-starved sartorial ghoul Victoria Beckham, will feature catchy slogans such as “Katie Backs Britain” and “Muslims Don’t Have Souls And They Should All Just Fuck Off Home,”

UKIP’s head of PR Matthew Richardson explained the unusual step in a press conference on Monday.

“Basically, we’ve tried everything and people still think we’re a bunch of nasty old bigots and a bit of a joke. So we’ve decided to play to our strengths, which means reaching out to the man and woman on the street. We can’t expect women to understand the same propaganda that we use on men, because it’s got numbers in it and stuff. But old Katie’s a good-looking gal and a bit of a laugh, and she speaks her mind. We’re very pleased to have her on board,”

Hopkins was unavailable for comment, as she was taking part in a Satanic, kitten-slaughtering ritual followed by a wife-swapping orgy with showbiz pals Richard and Judy Maidley.

Photo credit: www.huffingtonpost.co.uk

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