model tips – The Beezly Street Gazette

Models Can Now Spend ‘Exposure’ At La Perla And ASOS

Jobbing models everywhere are getting a financial break from the government.

Until now, promises of ‘exposure’ from photographers and companies were almost completely useless, and usually just way to con some free tits for a photo shoot.

But models can now convert ‘exposure’ into vouchers and spend them on expensive underwear and dresses for shoots.

A model from London said:

“I’m over the moon! I’m always being asked to take part in some bullshit shoot that some silly man has dreamed up, so he can boss a nubile young women about and be the envy of his mates. The last time I did one I was a calendar, and I was Miss December. I was wrapped up like a parcel, with just my arms, legs and boobs sticking out. He promised me it would be great ‘exposure’, and I was young and naïve. I looked like I’d been murdered by Father Christmas, and it made my mum cry. I think this is a great scheme,”

Tight-arsed photographers also welcome the scheme.

“I don’t pay models. In fact, I think they should pay me, the greedy young harpies, as I am providing a service for them. One of my pictures was published in Razzle in 1984, and I’ve been a photographer for fifty million years. Under this scheme, the level of ‘exposure’ I promise them can be converted into vouchers that they can use to buy knickers and dresses. I sat up all night planning my next shoot. It’s got eleven busty blondes, rose petals and swirly lollypops in. I can’t wait to get started,”

Concern that the vouchers only allow models to buy frivolous things like pants and frocks has been levelled at the scheme. A spokesperson for the treasury replied:

“Oh come on, we all know that models don’t have to do ordinary things like pay rent and buy milk. All they do all day is sit around in their negligees giggling and eating bonbons. This is really a break for the poor photographers, that have spent several thousand pounds on equipment and software, want to faff around with boobs and lighting all afternoon, yet mysteriously have no money left over to pay anyone,”

Amateur Re-Touching With Photoshop To Be Banned

A new law that bans clueless amateur photographers from creepily over-Photoshopping pictures of models is expected to come into force next year.

Under the new legislation, photographers could be fined or have their computers confiscated, if they press the skin smoother button too many times and make the model look like a boiled egg with lipstick on.

The practise of Photoshopping model’s pubic hair to your own personal preference, or rubbing their knickers out so it looks they were naked will also carry a heavy fine.

“This new legislation couldn’t be more welcome,”

Said a 25 year old glamour model from Essex.

“I don’t mind a bit of airbrushing, but when they make you look like a creepy wax doll with Lara Croft tits, and then proudly post the photos all over Facebook, it’s a bit embarrassing to be honest. I don’t know if some of these pricks are into necrophilia, because I swear I look like I’ve been recently embalmed in some of the pictures. One of them made my mum cry,”

Amateur photographers will still be able to use Photoshop, but if they want a model with enormous tits or a particular type of knicker moustache, they will have to find one, instead of randomly inflating or cloning their body parts.

A professional photographer said:

“Photoshop is a powerful tool, and in the wrong hands it can be tragic. We all know that pictures of celebrities and models are often heavily airbrushed. But that doesn’t mean you should remove people’s knickers or arbitrarily give them massive knockers, when they only have normal sized ones, or rearrange their face a bit and bugger about with their eyebrows, while muttering ‘Mu-hahaha, I’ll fix you my pretty. You’re perfect now!’”

Photo from this article.