Five Horrifying Mistakes Women Make While Having Sex

Girls, you’re doing sex ALL WRONG! There are lots of ways that your body is terrifying and disgusting. Follow our 5 step guide to avoid accidently grossing out the man that really likes you and wants to have sex with you.

sex tips for girls

Farting in his mouth

It’s easy to get carried away during the heat of the moment. But ladies, nice girls don’t hover over their guy while they’re dozing and then fart in his mouth, and then pull the covers over his head and yell “DUTCH OVEN!”

Pretending to be Mr. T from the A-Team

Growling “I ain’t getting on no dick, you crazy fool”, referring to his penis as “Murdoch” and shouting “Quit your jibber-jabber!” whenever he starts to moan is a passion killer, for all but the most ardent A-Team fans.

Getting your Mum to watch

Sure, a sweeping statement like “All guys would like a threesome better than they’d like sex with just you” is a great thing to bear in mind. But even if you really, really love your mum, don’t bring her into the bedroom. That’s just weird.

Not wearing special knickers

Sure, you may both be horny as hell. But take a moment to pop to the store first, ask the assistant what she thinks would turn your boyfriend on, try it on and then take it home with you. You can surprise him by unwrapping them delicately with your teeth. There’s nothing men hate more than girls that literally rip their knickers off by the crotch and throw them against the wall, screaming “Oh my god, I’m gushing like a Butlins water slide, shag me now before I spontaneously combust in a cloud of boiling hot fanny-lava, you effing sexy gorilla of a man”

Treating Cosmo sex tips as anything other than satire

About once a year, Cosmopolitan magazine will tell you to stick your finger, an ice lolly or an unlubricated vintage oboe up a guy’s ass, right in the middle of sex without asking him first. This is just the editor pissing about, and not a real sex tip. How would you like it if he suddenly jabbed his big toe up your jacksie & then whined at you that girls were supposed to like it? Trolling level = Ninja. Don’t try this one at home.

If you’ve run out of kittens on the Internet, and you need more advice to fill up your fluffy little female head, never fear!  Here’s an arbitrary list of 10 Things Girls Over 30 Shouldn’t Wear.