‘Buses Smell Of Shit Because We Hate Poor People’ Says Transport Secretary

The government have announced a new scheme to ensure that all busses stink of shitty pants by 2015.

bus ride

“Buses are one of the government’s many, creative ways of saying “We hate poor people,” said the Secretary of State for Transport, Patrick McLoughlin.

“Outside of London particularly, we tend to think of them as a combination of cattle wagon, rag ‘n’ bone cart, and a sort of punishment for being elderly, disabled or poor,”

A spokesperson for Arriva buses issued a statement that said:

“This is an important initiative. Whether you’re a student, a nurse, a single mother, disabled pensioner or simply can’t afford a car, the last thing we want is for you to simply enjoy a safe and comfortable bus ride at the end of a long shift or on your way to the hospital for treatment.  As well as hiking the price up every year, we plan to recruit people that smell of gin, vomit and piss, argue with the pixies in their head and attempt to lick other passengers in the face. They’ll be paid minimum wage, unless they’re on Jobseekers, in which case we’ll force them to do it for nothing, to sit at the back of the bus and shit their pants. We may even train them to whistle while they stink away, just to add to the general air of unease of an average bus rise, especially late at night.

“Bus drivers will also benefit from this inititative, as we feel they are often too friendly and cheery, and talk to the passengers too much. A shitty smell emanating from a dodgy-looking character sitting at the back of the bus is sure to nip any sense of good will towards passengers in the bud, before it develops into a full blown conversation about the weather, and begins the slippery slope towards an uneventful, efficient and even pleasant bus ride,”

Swirling Abyss Of Nameless Dread Discovered In Milton Keynes

Motorists have reported a dank, swirling, sentient cloud of dread hovering above a roundabout on a main road in Milton Keynes.


The dark and dismal cloud of gloom is approximately seven meters in diameter, and estimated to be growing at a rate of four centimetres per hour. At the epicentre of the abyss is a small porthole, that appears to show a solar system similar to our own, but all of the planets are on fire. Reports that the cloud has sentience have been confirmed by Milton Keynes Police.

“We advise motorists not to stop and converse with the cloud, as at this point it could be dangerous,” said a statement from the Police.

“After a short conversation with the cloud, one of our officers sat down on the kerbside and wept. He is recovering at the station with a nice cup of tea and a Bourbon cream, but has decided to leave the Force and go mountain climbing for the rest of his short, pointless life. We wish him all the best,”

The swirling abyss has been reported to have said:

“There’s just no point to anything. Everything’s all shit and horrible, and terrible things are going to happen,”

A freak weather expert from Texas has identified the cloud as a ‘Swirling Abyss Of Nameless Dread’ and pointed out that, although uncommon, it is a natural phenomenon.

A similar anomaly happened in Slough in the 1940’s. It is thought to be a combination of high and low pressure in the atmosphere, humidity, and being too cold to snow. This mixes with the waves of apathy and depression and marijuana smoke coming from the town of Milton Keynes itself, and forms a heavy cloud of despair that eventually settles near the ground. Its doom and gloom predictions should not be taken seriously say experts, as it’s just on a downer at the moment. The public are warned to stay away from the abyss, as it will bring them down and bum them out.