Sick and disabled people that wish to appeal fitness-to-work decisions by Atos, are to be thrown down a well and asked to “Put the lotion in the basket,”
“This is a much more accurate assessment of whether somebody is capable of returning to work, than simply asking them loads of questions and then ignoring all the answers,” Said a spokesperson for Atos.
“By throwing them down a well, and then lowering a bucket down on a string and asking them to rub lotion into themselves, our assessors can get a clear picture of whether they are capable of re-entering the job market,”
The procedure involves leaving the claimant at the bottom of the well in the dark, with only chicken bones to chew on for a couple of days, to see if they climb out. If they do escape, they may be arrested for benefit fraud. If not, the bucket is lowered down with lotion in, which the claimant must use and then return to the bucket.
“Or it will get the hose!” added the spokesperson.
The procedure is intended to supplement rather than replace the traditional interview with the incorrectly qualified specialist. Claimants with mental health issues are still going to be seen by physiotherapists, and people about to have their homes repossessed because of their illness, will still be able to talk to some judgmental, Subaru-driving, incompetent cockwomble, that thinks you look suspiciously healthy for a cancer patient.
“We did suggest charging the most financially and medically vulnerable members of society upwards of a hundred quid to appeal a decision, that was based on some snooty bastard looking them up & down and deciding that they’re lying. But even we couldn’t get away with that. We feel that throwing them down a well and screaming at them to put the lotion in the basket is a fairer way forward,”
The Beezly Street Gazette 