Mary Magdalene – The Beezly Street Gazette

Queen Turns Into Lizard, Nearly Eats French Baby

The Queen of England briefly turned into a large lizard on Wednesday afternoon.

The shapeshifting incident happened in France, in full view of 2 camera crews, members of the military, and the entire staff and pupils of a French primary school during a state visit.

According to eyewitnesses, Her Majesty appeared to ‘flicker like a knackered telly’ for a few seconds, before her hat fell off and she turned into an eight foot reptile with beady little eyes.

“She, well, it, just stood there, sniffing the air for a few seconds. We weren’t sure what the protocol was, and it seemed impolite to run away,” said the head of security for the event. “We believe that Her Majesty had missed breakfast that morning, causing an uncharacteristic shift into her natural form of an 8 foot, baby-eating reptile,”

Said one of the teachers, visibly shaken by the incident. Her Majesty the Queen then opened her gaping, toothy maw to reveal a long, red tongue with a slit at the end. The Queen’s lizard tongue then snaked towards a parent of one of the children, who was holding a new born baby girl.

“I looked into the empty, beady eyes of death, and realised that the Queen was tasting my baby, and possibly planned to eat it. I stayed very calm and said “No Ma’am, I’m afraid you cannot eat my baby,” and curtseyed as hard as I could,”

It was then that the Queen appeared to flicker again, and shape-shifted back into her human form. A footman retrieved her hat, and the Queen happily posed for photographs of the school’s new media wing.

Gwyneth Paltrow Fitted With Stained Glass ‘Vaginal Window’

Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to have a stained glass, religious style window fitted into your vagina. But health experts believe this piece of lifestyle advice is transparently ridiculous.

“Good God, if you want to relax your vagina, why don’t you just have a twang in the bath like normal people?” Said every gynaecologist in the entire world. “Having a mini window depicting Mary Magdalene fitted up your Bacon Butterfly is both weird and dangerous,”

After the actress raved about the treatment on her blog, the Stoke-on-Trent carpenter that carried out the procedure was booked up until 2017.

“You sit in a carpentry workshop, on what is essentially a mini woodworking table, with your legs in the air. Then a man called Alan puts his rollup out, finishes his tea and fits a tiny window depicting Mary Magdalene into the back of your vagina. This allows the sunlight that issues from your arsehole to shine its blinding, holy light into your fanny as well,”

Said the actress, adding that she believed that the procedure would benefit all women.

“You can jigger right off with that bloody nonsense,” said two hundred Yorkshire housewives on Mumsnet.