London underground – The Beezly Street Gazette

‘Vintage Food Tourette’s’ Causes Disruptions On Tube

A new strain of “Tourette’s-like” virus is causing severe delays on the London Underground. The virus causes the symptoms of a bit of a cold, and an intense desire to shout out the names of terrifying vintage food recipes from 1942 to 1978.

“It’s been hell these last few days. BANNANAS IN ASPIC!” admits a North London mother of two that did not wish to be named.

The delays on the tube are due to passengers not suffering from the virus refusing to sit near those infected. This has led to crowded platforms and empty carriages on all lines. Although there have been no serious injuries so far, a man from Hoxton got his foot run over with a suitcase, after a young family fled into a different carriage, after being ordered to mash a tin of hot dogs with pineapple chunks and set the mixture in savoury jelly.

A regular traveller on the tube that is currently under the weather said:

“I won’t even be thinking about grinding up a pig’s lung and decorating it with sliced apple, and all of a sudden LIVER SAUSAGE DELIGHT, sorry, the name of an appalling recipe from the 1950’s will just pop out. SPAM SALAD LOAF!”

“SNOWY CHICKEN CONFETTI SALAD! EAT IT! IT LOOKS LIKE SICK!” Nodded another passenger sadly, before stuffing a spare pair of tights into her mouth to prevent further outbursts during the short journey from Camden to King’s Cross.

Although it’s a harmless condition, being aggressively ordered to eat ‘Cauliflower Fish Balls’ and arrange hot dogs in the shape of a pentagram can be upsetting, and trigger disturbing memories in older passengers.

“I wasn’t allowed to go out and play until I had finished my trotters with lime jelly salad. I don’t want to re-live those days,” said a pensioner that had moved seats four times in one journey, despite needing a hip replacement. As the tube reached High Barnet, the passengers not suffering from the condition were all crowded into one carriage, with at least seven sufferers banging on the connecting door and raving about pickled Spam.

One terrified passenger leaned over and whispered

“It’s like Day Of The Dead, but with canned sausages instead of brains,”

Photo credits.

Yorkshire People ‘Require Training’ Before Using London Escalators

People from the county of Yorkshire are to be targeted in a government initiative to speed up movement around the London Underground system.

“Have you ever seen somebody from Leeds stepping onto an escalator? It’s like they’ve walked into the moon for the first time,” said the designer of the scheme.

“They’re all like OMG the stairs are moving. I must be on a drug,”

The 3 year survey that pinpointed people from the Yorkshire area also indicated that elderly women from Dewsbury are particularly likely to cause public pile ups. One ‘danger zone’ highlighted was the area just outside the ticket gates.

“We’ve seen it time & time again. Stopping just in front of the gates and carefully putting her Oyster card away in a special little sodding pocket at the bottom of her handbag, because you can’t be too careful in London. Meanwhile she’s caused a ten passenger pile-up to the rear, blocked the ticket entrance, and the poor sod behind her big fat arse ends up grinding a pensioner,”

Checkpoints between Leeds & London are to be trialed next year. Passengers will be escorted to a training facility to learn how to stand on an escalator without offering other passengers pork scratchings, pretending to surf or blocking impatient London people with important London deadlines.