lifestyle – The Beezly Street Gazette

If you’re pushing 30, then you need to arbitrarily stop wearing certain things. You’re running out of time, your ovaries are shriveling up and let’s face it, you’re getting old. There is nothing more disgusting than a wrinkly old lady in a mink bikini, which is what you’ll be if you carry on dressing like a young strumpet.

Here’s a list of ten garments to swerve after your 30th birthday:

A bikini made from ham

Sure Lady Gaga looked hot in that meat dress. But she’s only like 22, so don’t make the mistake of thinking you can do the same. Your aging breasts need proper support, and nobody wants to see your lady garden, which is probably all bent out of shape and resembles a kebab that’s been dropped on the floor and stepped on by now. So don’t go draping your bits & bobs in wafer-thin ham after the big 3-0, because you’ll just be mutton dressed as ham, and all you’ll attract is flies and cats. That’s how old ladies end up dying alone and being eaten by cats. You have been warned.

Shoes that make you walk like you’ve been bummed by Robocop

If you’re 25 and you wear a pair of ‘Follow Me Home & Shag Me’ shoes that make you walk like a giraffe in a room full of marbles, all you’ll get is “DAMN! Dat ass though,” from guys.

But girls, if you’re over 30 and you try this trick, you might as well be walking around shouting “I’m Dorian from Birds Of A Feather! Somebody please sleep with me, I’ve got a disease!” and your children will want to put themselves up for adoption.

A Nazi uniform

This is another big no-no for girls over 30. If you’re young, hot and blonde, everyone will just think you’re being ironically Aryan. But older women should steer clear of trying to copy the style of fascist regimes, historical or otherwise.

A baby-gro and a bottle of milk

Oh come on you sad old tart. Did you really think you were fooling anyone into thinking you’re 18 months old? It doesn’t matter how much you lie around gurgling and laughing at the sky, we all know you’re over the hill.

A strap-on, chainsaw dildo

If you’re not 29 any more, then you should give potentially lethal, wearable sex toys a big miss. Your eyesight isn’t what it was, and your hormones are probably playing up by now. If you’re tired and emotional after a hard day at the office, you might accidentally decapitate somebody. Try a pair of Spanx instead.

Live cats

Wearing any kind of live animal as a fashion accessory is tricky, but attaching multiple cats to your skin as a kind of live fur coat is risky for the over-30’s. Too many cats and you’ll look more crazy cat-lady than sex kitten. Not enough cats and you’ll be exposing too much of your crepey, disgusting old flesh. Leave this to the twenty-something chicks.

Crocs

Absolutely nobody should wear these anyway, even if you’re a 19 year old supermodel that lives on acai juice.

Racist fancy dress costumes

Fancy dressing up as an Indian squaw this Halloween? Our survey says HELL NO. You’re simply not cute enough to get away with locking yourself in the bathroom and crying, when somebody points out that it’s actually quite racist. Nobody will have any sympathy for you. Try an old hag costume instead, and make sure the skirt touches the floor.

A tattoo of your own arse, on your face

You may think you’re very clever getting a tattoo in your 20’s. But you’ve ruined yourself for life, and made your skin less valuable to the kind of man that thinks about his girlfriend’s skin as a sort of commodity that can be devalued, which is pretty creepy but anyhoo. If you’ve got a tattoo of your own butt on any part of your face or neck, you need to get that shit lazered on your 30th birthday.

A hat that’s on fire

If you wanted to copy Arthur ‘Crazy’ Brown and set your hat on fire, then you should have put it on your bucket list in your twenties. It’s too late now. Your skin isn’t what it was, and if it all goes wrong then you won’t take to skin grafts as well as a 21 year old. Try a balaclava instead, you wrinkly old whorebag.

The horror! If you need more advice off the Internet to fill up your fluffy little female mind, read 5 Horrifying Mistakes Women Make While Having Sex!

Skinny Star Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed the secrets of her enviable figure on her lifestyle webazine ‘Goop’ – and it’s a load of hot air! We’ve got a mate at the News Of The World, so we hacked into her email and retrieved her daily menu.

“It’s all about eating air, mist, vapours, ethereal substances and the souls of the undead, stuff like that. I don’t do that crazy, unhealthy stuff like skipping meals. And at the weekends, I just eat normally like a regular, all-American, macrobiotic, low carb, vegan gal,”

The most controversial part of the diet is the consumption of lost and wandering souls that are trapped between earth and the afterlife, unable to move on.

“Strictly speaking, I’m a Vegan, so that part was hard to get my head around. But they are ethically summoned by a fully qualified Witch Doctor and naturopath, and I truly believe they are going to a better place once they pass through my digestive system,”

Sample menu:

Breakfast

Donuts for breakfast is my idea of heaven. But what I do is I only eat the hole in the middle, and I throw the donut away, because it’s just empty calories.

Lunch

Lunch is often steam, which I flavour with herbs and spices before inhaling. I use a beautiful, ritual cloth made by Native American shamans to trap the steam between my head and the bowl, and I just inhale it while visualising a mandala made of healthy, pink colons.

Dinner

I’m starting to conjure up my own lost and wandering souls now, which I found difficult to do at first. You have to spend several days in prayer in a sweat lodge and light a lot of candles at first. So once I’ve commanded the unhappy spirit to a magical circle, I then force it into a vessel of brass – my Allessi fish poacher! I then cook the pathetic wretch until it’s a tiny blob of jellied ectoplasm, which I eat with kale or quinoa porridge.

Treats

I try to keep treats to a minimum, as I find my children, regular meditation and my fabulous career more fulfilling than stuffing my face with Oreos. Once in a while though, if I’m feeling naughty, I’ll treat myself to a slice of buttered ghost.