Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Patron saint of Ireland Saint Patrick has advised Irish people that aren’t gay to avoid marrying people of the same sex “to prevent any awkwardness and suchlike”.

Speaking in a disembodied voice from a patch of shamrocks near the reputed burial place of the visionary missionary, Saint Patrick advised the population that the referendum mostly wouldn’t affect them at all unless they were gay, in which case it would be “brilliant”.

“There’s a lot of confusion about this issue, and people are worried that it’s the slippery slope to marrying goats, upsetting baby Jesus and floods. But if the people of Ireland take a few sensible precautions, lads that don’t want to marry a fella should be able to avoid any problems with the proposed change in the law. The same goes for girls,”

Said the ghostly voice of the legendary holy man.

“There’s absolutely no need for anyone to get their knickers in a twist. Baby Jesus is fine about it, and just wants everyone to love each other and all that. And let’s face it, it’s a great excuse for a knees-up,”

The Penny Drops With Lesbians

Lesbians all over the world have had an epiphany, thanks to a Tweet from an unemployed man in Solihull. Social media experts predict that the world could become 70% less lesbian by tomorrow morning, thanks to this revelation.

Some Lesboes, lezzing each other up in a painting.

The Tweet, sent at 4.07 am on Saturday morning to nobody in particular, was spotted by a lesbian IT consultant, who claimed that it sent cold shivers down her spine. She immediately re-tweeted it to her Lesbian hive, and it was read and re-tweeted by millions of clam-tickling scissor-sisters all over the world.

“I was scrolling through Twitter on my ‘phone. I saw this Tweet. I read it. And then I read it again. And it was like lightening going off in my brain. I realised I’d been mistaken my whole life. I’m supposed to be getting married on Wednesday, but now I realise what a sham that would be, and I’ve called it off,”

The Tweet by Barry Snot from Solihull said:

“All yous lesbos why u go out with manly hosebeast when u cld have a real man? WOT A WAIST!!!”

“I went from making a cup of tea, to dripping like a Butlins water slide in five seconds flat after reading that Tweet,”

Said a lesbian from Brighton.

“I’m quite femme I suppose, but my girlfriend isn’t. All along I just thought I was wildly in a love with a woman with short hair that can mix an Old Faithful with her eyes shut, and knows her way around a fanny and a vintage Suzuki. Now I know I was wrong, and I actually fancy men. Can’t believe I’ve been so confused, LOL. Thank you Barry Snot. By the way, are you single?”

Marriage proposals from former lesbians have been pouring in for the laid-off factory manager from Manchester, who has shut his Twitter down in response to the overwhelming barrage of attention. His girlfriend is said to be “fuming”.

Gays ‘Steal Souls Of Small Children’ Claims Ukip Leaflet

Leaflets claiming that teaching equality is ‘sexual grooming’ and accusing gays of malevolent witchcraft have been handed out at a spring conference in Margate. The literature claims that gays and lesbians want to steal the souls of unborn babies and primary school children and turn them gay, as part of a ‘recruitment drive’.

Describing how Satan gives gays special powers to remove and interfere with the souls of babies and young children, by recitation of barbaric words and blood rituals involving chickens and goats, the leaflet goes on to state:

Satanic transgender imp Baphomet is said to assist predatory gays with their disgusting rituals.

“These ceremonies often take place in sauna near to the school, or at a private house. A number of animals are sacrificed, after which there is a gay orgy to raise a cone of power above the school. The children’s souls are sucked up into a vortex and sent to hell, where Satan turns them all gay. Then the souls are returned to the children intact, apart from where Satan’s imps might have nibbled on them a bit. The child then begins to develop gay interests, ensuring ‘fresh blood’ for the gay community ten years down the line,”

The leaflet also explains why the LGBT community is hell-bent on turning children gay:

“As such people cannot reproduce, obviously their jealousy and covetousness means that they will attempt to steal the souls of the unborn and the young. By teaching ‘equality’ and acceptance of alternative lifestyles, the government has given gays carte blanche to suck out the souls of developing foetuses, and turn otherwise healthy young pupils into gay children, thus ensuring the destruction of the human race,”

“Primary school age children taunting each other about being gay, and using language like dyke and faggot is a healthy and necessary stage of heterosexual development. This ensures an appropriate level of shame and isolation, which prevents children becoming homosexual later in life, and sometimes leads to the self harm, depression and suicide of young gays and lesbians, which can only have a positive impact on the country as whole,”

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