Outrage As ‘Hooters’ Branch Opens In Manchester

The controversial American Hooter’s Chain, known for its rare and magnificent collection of highly trained owl waiters as much as for its American style beer and burgers, has opened a new branch in the Northern quarter of Manchester.

Demonstrations have been held outside the branch by animal lovers and activists since Monday.

“This kind of exploitation of wildlife is utterly unacceptable,” said a spokesperson for PETA. “You can’t dress owls up in dinner jackets and bow ties, and have them flying about the restaurant with giant pepper mills in their talons. They’re wild animals, not financially vulnerable young females. Making them perform in a choir, hooting popular swing tunes from the 1950’s as if they were wind-up owl toys is really not on,”

CEO Mike Pellet said:

“We’re not exploiting the owls. They enjoy getting dressed up in sparkly bow ties and doing loop-the-loops with a knife & fork in their beaks, while the customers gawp and try to touch their feathered breasts. That hardly ever happens by the way, and it’s very much frowned upon and stuff. And the owls don’t mind really. At least, I’ve never heard one complain about it.

“Our Owl shows, where we dress the owls up in various costumes and get them to perform tricks and hoot, while displaying their magnificent plumage to the crowd, are just harmless fun. After all, if they didn’t like it they would just fly off and live in the woods, or scratch your face off with their claws, or shit on you,”

When asked if Hooters objectified the owls at all, he responded:

“Well, a bit I supposed. But it’s not like everyone’s going to go out and find an owl, and order it to make them a pizza and pretend that the owl liked them staring at it. I suppose if they were humans it would be a little creepy, but they’re just owls, and they don’t really care about stuff like that,”

 

TV License Officer ‘Threatened To Eat Kitten, Send Elderly Woman To Hell

A pensioner from Sidcup has made a formal complaint, after a pair of TV license officers threatened to eat her 3 month old kitten Mr. Fluffles.

After a series of increasingly threatening letters, stating “We know where you live, you wrinkly old bint,” and “Pay your license or we’ll shit through your letterbox and burn your trampy house down,” the 89 year old churchgoer called the BBC licensing department and informed them that she did not own a TV. She was transferred to a department called ‘The Special Branch”, where she was abused for fifteen minutes by a woman that told the pensioner that she didn’t believe her, and that liars go to hell and get pitchforks stuck up their bottoms for ever and ever.

Eventually the operator accepted that she did not own a TV, but as she had watched TV at a friend’s house, she would have to pay the license fee in full anyway, and blasted German Death Metal music down the telephone, causing a temporary ringing sensation in Mrs. Bainbridge’s ear.

The next day, two license officers turned up in an official BBC van, which they parked across the front garden, destroying two rose bushes and damaging a small concrete cherub.

The officers rang the doorbell several times and shouted, “We know you’re in there, you stingy old boot!” through the letterbox, until Mrs Bainbridge was compelled to open the door. The three month old ginger kitten Mr Fluffles ran out of the house, and was picked up and cradled by the female licensing officer.

“She didn’t hurt the cat, but she gave me a terrible, evil look and told me that it would taste nice in a Naan bread with some garlic mayonnaise. Mr Fluffles was purring, but I was very distressed. The male officer informed me that I would be going to prison, and that nobody would be there to take care of the cat, and the kindest thing to do would be to eat it,”

Following her complaint, Mrs Bainbridge has received a letter from the licencing department stating that no more letters or visits will be carried out for a period of 2 years, unless she purchases a television during that time.

“We’ve got vans you know,” stated the letter. “Special vans. You can’t hide from us forever,”

 

Scheme To Support Local Bullshit In Politics

A new scheme to support northern bullshit in politics has been proposed in the House of Lords. Once up and running, it should help usher in a new age of political bullshit in the North of England.

“We’re fed up of all that soft, shandy-drinking London bullshit,” said an MP. “What we’re proposing is a low-cost, environmentally friendly alternative. People forget that there’s plenty of bullshit around up North. Horseshit too. It’s just not as glittery and attractive, but northern politics is potentially capable of generating huge amounts of both bullshit and horseshit,”

The controversial bill, which would involve paying farmers even more money to turn large areas of sheep pasture in Wales into fields of male cows fed on purple GMO ‘Frankengrass’, is expected to pass next week.

When asked about the possibility of the North one day being able to sustain its own bullshit without requiring a truckload of southern bullshit to keep it going, Mr. Prescott said:

“By ‘eck, it’s bloody easy. All you have to do is get a load of bulls, feed’em some special grass and shovel up the muck,”

The North of England has traditionally clamped down on its use of bullshit in politics, favouring ‘No Bullshit’ leaders such as Arthur Skargill. But experts warn that social media is a huge consumer of bullshit.

“The amount of bullshit needed to maintain even just one London MP’s Twitter account could have kept an entire party afloat for a whole year in 1994,” warns beardy social media expert Martin Twat.

“Northern politicians are under enormous pressure to keep up with the levels of sycophantic bullshittery written by overpaid P.A.s in the south. It can take up to one entire male cow turd per tweet to produce that kind of carefully worded, self-important rot, and current levels of northern bullshit aren’t enough to sustain it long-term,”

Yorkshire People ‘Require Training’ Before Using London Escalators

People from the county of Yorkshire are to be targeted in a government initiative to speed up movement around the London Underground system.

“Have you ever seen somebody from Leeds stepping onto an escalator? It’s like they’ve walked into the moon for the first time,” said the designer of the scheme.

“They’re all like OMG the stairs are moving. I must be on a drug,”

The 3 year survey that pinpointed people from the Yorkshire area also indicated that elderly women from Dewsbury are particularly likely to cause public pile ups. One ‘danger zone’ highlighted was the area just outside the ticket gates.

“We’ve seen it time & time again. Stopping just in front of the gates and carefully putting her Oyster card away in a special little sodding pocket at the bottom of her handbag, because you can’t be too careful in London. Meanwhile she’s caused a ten passenger pile-up to the rear, blocked the ticket entrance, and the poor sod behind her big fat arse ends up grinding a pensioner,”

Checkpoints between Leeds & London are to be trialed next year. Passengers will be escorted to a training facility to learn how to stand on an escalator without offering other passengers pork scratchings, pretending to surf or blocking impatient London people with important London deadlines.

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