law – The Beezly Street Gazette

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

A leaked email from Atos to Prime Minster David Cameron describes British foxes as “scrounging little furry gits” and “thieving hippies”, and details plans to put them on a compulsory back to work scheme in the “outdoor entertainment industry”.

Foxes will be offered employment in several industries including childcare, retail and ambulance driving. The compulsory hunting scheme will only be enforced if they do not fill in and return the paperwork issued to them in a reasonable amount of time, and attend a Work Capability Assessment at their nearest town or city.

The E-mail concluded by proposing that the scheme could be extended to other wildlife such as the brown hare, which could be offered seasonal posts in supermarkets and cafes, or on a local a dog track. The greater horseshoe bat, currently a protected species in the UK would make an “ideal night watchman or bakery supervisor”, and it was also suggested that hedgehogs could be used to serve cocktail sausages at Tory functions, or risk having their benefits sanctioned and being used as bowling balls by drunken Eton boys on a weekend in the country.

The current law, which protects foxes from both hunting and Atos, was described as “archaic” and “out of touch”. TV personality Basil Brush reacted to the news by issuing a statement that said:

“Bloody typical, smug, barbaric, bloodthirsty bastards. And that’s swearing. Boom boom!”

Ministers To Cut Back On Orgies

One of the unspoken perks of being an MP is the huge range of sexual deviancy on offer, thanks to the almost unlimited ‘expenses’ that MPs may claim, for everything from Hobnob biscuits to ‘massages’ from triple-titted, gold plated porn stars. But MPs have been warned that they may have their perverted perks penalized, if they indulge in too many athletic, all night orgies with prostitutes and rent boys.

The watchdog that monitors MPs expenses made the recommendation, after it was clear that many MPs were falling asleep in the House of Commons, after staying up all night for a ‘Busty Massage’ from four stunning Eastern European strumpets, or from being unable to sit down after a vigorous bumming from a part time swimming instructor named Sergio (real name Gordon), who likes to dress as a strict school marm.

“This is money taken straight from the taxpayer’s purse, that ends up tucked into the frilly knickers of various gigolos, tarts and dominatrixes. It is essential that such activities do not impact the ability of MPs to just about stay awake after a long, boozy lunch at the taxpayer’s expense, or being able to sit down on the comfortable green benches without fear of further rectal damage. Therefore we recommend a maximum of 3 orgies a week,”

Said a report by the watchdog committee.