language – The Beezly Street Gazette

Sentences To Be Replaced With Hashtags

Complete sentences could be obsolete by as early as 2025. The English language is becoming less about communicating complicated ideas, and more about impressing strangers with the posh thing what you have just brought from a shop.

Doctor Phillip Beardnerd, a social media linguist said:

“It’s really two long term trends merging together. People are communicating with minimal words on Twitter and via text message. There’s also the deep need to share every single inane waking thought with loads of other idiots which is probably the result of not being smacked enough as a child. And this is spilling over in the way that we talk.”

“For example, the phrase ‘would you like a cup of tea?’ will sound positively Shakespearian in the year 2030. What you would say in the year 2030 would be “#tea #brew #mmmm #mug #nofiilter’ and the reply would sound something like #tea #nosugar #soya #eatclean #crossfit #paelo’”

Everyday phrases such as “I’m just off to work” will become “#OMG #lovemyjob #traffic #busy’, and going to the toilet would be “#hellyeah #massivedump #reallylongpiss #betteroutthanin #paelo’”

US Tourists Eaten By Welsh Islanders

Two deliciously plump American tourists have ended up in the traditional three-legged cooking pot of a village wise woman, after getting stranded on a Welsh island two miles off the coast.

The holidaymakers had hoped to visit Caldey island, to see the remote community of chocolate-making Cistercian monks that live there in silence. They also hoped to come back.

But their sat nav didn’t tell them they needed a ferry to reach the island, so they decided to drive across to the island, thinking it was a special kind of island that had sand around it instead of water, and got stuck.

“They were like a couple of lovely prawns in a posh box from Waitrose,” said one toothless local that witnessed the incident. “All glistening and plump,” he added, licking his lips.

When passers by spotted the stricken vehicle, they helped to dig it out. Then they looted it, threw the keys to the local policeman and dragged the two tourists off to the slaughterhouse, where they were filleted and made into traditional Welsh stew.

“We offered the best bits to some local deities,” said Myfanwy Evans, the local wise woman. “Morrigan gets very annoyed if she doesn’t get a nice bit of eyeball and some fingers with the rings left on,”

“It’s a very old law,” said the local bobby. “You see this stretch of beach from here to there? Well, the locals have a very ancient right to forage here for food, and not even the Queen herself could take that from us. She’d be too scared of her nose turning green and falling off if she did. So if we want to eat a horse that’s wandered on to the beach, or loot a stray fishing boat or turn some American tourists into stew, we can, see?”

A number of monks from the local monastery made themselves available for comment, but didn’t actually say anything, because it would break their vow. They did give the reporter some of their lovely homemade chocolates though.