Tory ‘Rapture’ Scheduled For Wednesday. Unbelievers Eaten By Demons

The Conservative party have scheduled a ‘rapture’ on Wednesday afternoon, where the faithful will ascend to a new and purer Britain.

Opera singer Katherine Jenkins has been tipped to open proceedings with a rendition of ‘God Save The Queen’. In the new Utopia there will be no food banks, no hooded sweatshirts and no pesky immigrants arriving on boats, fleeing a regime that saw their whole family murdered in front of them. Daily Mail columnist Melanie Phillips has already been appointed Archbishop, and gays and lesbians are automatically excluded from the rapture, to ensure that the weather stays predictable and clement.

Everybody that voted for the Conservative party will literally leave the earth to meet their local MP in the air, and will be guided to a special version of the UK, where they can mix and breed with their own kind.

Those left behind on the day of the Rapture will be eaten by three headed dog-demons the size of ice cream vans, which will issue from Katie Hopkins’s big white Tory arse at half past three in the afternoon. There is no escape from the demons, and the public have been warned to not to even bother trying to run or hide from them.

Image from this website. LOL.

Entire Country Smacked And Sent To Bed After Election

Everybody apart from Scotland is required to smack themselves on the bottom with a slipper and send themselves to bed with no tea, after this year’s election results.

 

Mum of three Norma Jones said she had thrown the nice lasagne and bottle of wine she was keeping for Friday in the bin, and was planning on sending herself and her husband to bed at half past six with no Wifi or giggling.

Geography teacher Leonard Powell said “It’s not just everyone else I’ve let down. I’ve let myself down as well. I was going to pop to the pub tonight as it’s been a rough week, but I’m going to sit in my bedroom in the dark with no heating on and mark some homework by candlelight,”

Anybody caught out on the street after half past six this evening will be made to copy out David Cameron’s autobiography in their neatest handwriting, and then throw it in the bin.

‘Put The Lotion In The Basket’ Atos Tells Sick & Disabled

Sick and disabled people that wish to appeal fitness-to-work decisions by Atos, are to be thrown down a well and asked to “Put the lotion in the basket,”

“This is a much more accurate assessment of whether somebody is capable of returning to work, than simply asking them loads of questions and then ignoring all the answers,” Said a spokesperson for Atos.

“By throwing them down a well, and then lowering a bucket down on a string and asking them to rub lotion into themselves, our assessors can get a clear picture of whether they are capable of re-entering the job market,”

The procedure involves leaving the claimant at the bottom of the well in the dark, with only chicken bones to chew on for a couple of days, to see if they climb out. If they do escape, they may be arrested for benefit fraud. If not, the bucket is lowered down with lotion in, which the claimant must use and then return to the bucket.

“Or it will get the hose!” added the spokesperson.

The procedure is intended to supplement rather than replace the traditional interview with the incorrectly qualified specialist. Claimants with mental health issues are still going to be seen by physiotherapists, and people about to have their homes repossessed because of their illness, will still be able to talk to some judgmental, Subaru-driving, incompetent cockwomble, that thinks you look suspiciously healthy for a cancer patient.

“We did suggest charging the most financially and medically vulnerable members of society upwards of a hundred quid to appeal a decision, that was based on some snooty bastard looking them up & down and deciding that they’re lying. But even we couldn’t get away with that. We feel that throwing them down a well and screaming at them to put the lotion in the basket is a fairer way forward,”

Jobseekers To Receive Punch In Face On Birthday

Labour’s shadow Welfare and Pension’s minister has confirmed that jobseekers who are out of work for more than six months will receive a mandatory punch in the face on their birthday.   The service is free, and was piloted with a voluntary birthday punch in the face scheme.

One jobseeker that took part in the voluntary scheme said:

“They told me they’d sanction my benefits if I didn’t turn up at half past one on my birthday. I was wearing a badge that said “Birthday Boy” on it. The woman behind the desk ripped it off my lapel, threw it out of the window and told me I didn’t deserve to wear badges. Then she asked me to sign a form telling me I would be punched in the face and confirming that it was my birthday. Somebody had written the wrong date down on a form, so that took four days to sort out. Then she put a boxing glove on and twatted me in the nose.”

“It is a very good initiative, and I really feel as though I am being helped back to work. Please don’t sanction my benefits, or I’ll have to eat my own feet or something,”

In a letter to Mr Cameron Miss Rees calls on the government to back the idea.

She writes:

“It’s not fucking rocket surgery. Just get a damned job. Be a bus driver or something. That’s what working class people do isn’t it? Drive busses and eat chicken McNuggets? Anyway, happy birthday you disgusting, smelly poor people.  All 2 million of you,”

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