Kanye To Charge £20 A Month To Bugger Off

Some of the biggest names in the music business are supporting Kanye West’s new scheme, to pay him £20 a month just to bugger off.

kanye tidal

UK music fans are eagerly anticipating the new service, which will effectively remove Kanye and his pointless dipstick of a wife from their Facebook and Twitter feeds, radio and TV broadcasts, and even magazine articles.

“I literally cannot wait to hook up to TIDAL,”

Said a UK music fan.

“I’m absolutely sick to the arse of the silly twunt. It would be brilliant if he could just bog off and not be on the telly and the Internet all the bloody time,”

According to TechCrunch, the service currently has 35,000 subscribers, gladly paying £20 a month to never have to see, hear or read about Kanye West ever again. Many customers have simply shouted:

“Shut up and take my money!”

Before handing over their credit card details to telephone operators.

Last month, Jay Z or Shawn to his Mum, briefed a particularly annoying group of VIPs including Chris Martin, Nicki Minaj, and irritating electronic hipsters Daft Punk. He explained that people would probably pay just as much money to not have to listen to them all the time, as they would for an album and a handful of singles.

Although some stars attended the meeting in person, other equally pointless VIPS such as Usher joined in by video conference, as the temptation to nuke the building might have proved too much if they’d all turned up at once.

Ebola Facial For Kim Kardashian

Celebs are flocking to an upmarket London salon screaming, “Take my money, just goddamn take it!” and “I’m famous, do I get a free one?” to take advantage of a controversial new anti-aging treatment. But Kim Kardashian got her sticky celeb dibs in there first, after threatening the staff with Kanye’s poetry.


Dubbed the ‘Ebola Facial’, the treatment promises ‘Full Rejuvenation’ of the face and neck. The creator of the pioneering new treatment said:

“There is some vomiting and a fever, but very little internal bleeding. Ebola gets a rough ride in the press, but celebrities would inject liquidised dog shit into their faces with a rusty needle if they thought it would make them pretty, and loads of people copy Trashy Kardashy, so obviously we’re going to make a mint out of this,”


“When Madonna heard about it, she ordered 24 tubs of Ebola-infected bat dung for her entourage,”

The treatment was pioneered by Oxford student Sophie Fulham-Wexley. During the inventor’s gap year, she helped out at an orphanage for terminally ill children in Africa, where many of the children and young teenagers had contracted Ebola.

“I was out there photographing the terminally ill children for my Instagram account. You know, to raise awareness. I was so astonished at how youthful the children looked, I left the orphanage and flew home straight away. After negotiating a grant from my Father’s pharmaceutical business, I developed a way to turn Ebola into a luxury facial.

Proper doctors everywhere have universally condemned the practise of rubbing Ebola-infected bat faeces onto the face and neck. But the ones that flog homeopathic medicine and magic rocks are jumping up and down, and rubbing their hands together with glee.

“We can’t wait to start selling Ebola ‘cures’ to these absolute idiots,” said a Knightsbridge crystal healer and pet therapist. “I’ve already booked a holiday in the Bahamas,”