David Cameron Appoints Katie Hopkins As Minister For Spite

David Cameron has appointed Sun columnist Katie Hopkins as minster for Spite. Her duties will include closing hospital wings, thinking up new sanctions for the Job Centre and wandering around the streets of London kicking busker’s hats over.

An expert on both virulence and malevolence, Hopkins is unusual in having not served as an MP prior to her appointment. It is widely believed that she may have a ‘dossier of dirt’ on one or more members of the cabinet, possibly involving copious quantities of Swarfega and the services of an elderly goat, which the unnamed cabinet member may have drunkenly mistaken for Katie herself.

Prime Minster David Cameron said in a statement.

“It is vital that that the poor, the sick and the disabled are punished. For too long, this country has been headed out of the dark ages. I believe that Katie Hopkins is the woman to lead us into an age of bleak, dribbling backwardness the like of which has not been seen since medieval times. She may be half-goat, half Shakespearian witch and probably a secret Nazi in her spare time, but she is all Tory,”

Charlotte Church Threatens To Beat Prime Minister To Death With Katie Hopkins’s Arm

Welsh songstress Charlotte Church, who recently challenged Sun columnist Katie Hopkins to a charity boxing match, has now gone proper ape-shit and threatened to pull off Katie’s arm and chase the Prime Minister around Westminster with it.

“After I challenged her to a boxing match, I had a cup of tea and fag and thought about it. And then I realised I had to at least pull one of her arms off and beat Cameron to death with the sticky end,”

Said the singer, who shot to fame as an angelic classical singer.

“So I’m going to bang her lights out and then rip her bloody arms off, the moaning old Tory troll,”

“And when I’ve finished with her, I’m going to mash that smug prick Cameron in the face with the bloody end. That’ll teach him to be a lying little spoon faced weasel-shagger,”

The match is expected to raise nine trillion pounds for charity.

Grim Reaper Vows To Knock Off Some Unpopular Celebs For a Change

The Grim Reaper normally stays out of politics. But he has promised his Twitter fans that he will stop bumping off quite so many popular, funny and well-loved comedians, actors and media personalities in the months following the UK elections.

Nobody knows exactly why this has happened, as Death is notoriously fickle and unpredictable. But the move is welcomed by the public, and popular celebrities themselves.

“I’ve been shitting myself for ages,” said Irish comedian Dylan Moran. Iconic actress Joanna Lumley is reported to have said “Oh thank F*** for that!”

The hooded figure of death itself stopped short of apologizing for the overwhelming demise of popular and much-loved media personalities such as comedians Robin Williams and Rik Mayall, and author Terry Pratchett over the last 12 months, but did promise to knock off some unpopular and unfunny tossers instead. When asked if he meant Katie Hopkins, the dark angel replied:

“NO COMMENT,”

Death’s unpredictable roll of the dice and questionable sense of humour has attracted the attention of gamblers. Bookies are offering odds of 8-1 for the woman that put a cat in a wheelie bin on Youtube, while Jeremy Kyle is Betfair’s odds on favorite.

Ryanair Passengers Handed Sheets Of Sandpaper & Told To Shut Up

Passengers on board a Ryanair flight to London from Spain were handed sheets of coarsely graded sandpaper en route to the lavatory, and told to “shut up” and “stop your whining” by stewards.

It is understood that the three-hour flight was deliberately made without refilling the toilet tissue dispensers, in an effort to keep ticket prices low.

A spokesperson for Ryanair said in a statement:

“We planned to introduce a pay-per-poo charge in the aircraft lavatories, but this proved unpopular with passengers. When we tried to sell them toilet paper at £1.50 per sheet, passengers simply brought their own, or used the back pages of ’50 Shades Of Grey’. We had no alternative but to ban kitten-soft from the aircraft completely, and issue passengers with sheets of abrasive sanding material instead. The last thing we want is anyone enjoying a relaxing poo in-flight, without paying for it as an optional extra,”

Pensioner Sydney Biscuit, who regularly enjoys relaxing 40 minute dumps on Ryanair flights when he visits family in Milton Keynes said:

“They ought to string’em up and throw away the key! My poor old balloon knot feels like a chewed orange now. I can’t believe I died in the war for this kind of treatment,”

“Disgusting,” said his wife Edna Biscuit. “I’m not sure who to blame for this, but it was probably Katie Hopkins, the dirty bitch. They’ll be making us squat over a gaping hole in the floor next, with a little man dressed as Satan slapping you in the face if you take more than five minutes,”

“What an excellent idea,”

Said the Ryanair spokesperson.

“Let me just make a note of that,”

Grant Shapps Denies Drawing ‘Comedy Breasts’ On George Osbourne’s Homework

Tory party chairman Grant Shapps has been accused of defacing rival’s homework with drawings of large pairs of jiggling, ‘comedy breasts’ and other graffiti.

Cabinet colleague George Osborne was shocked to discover a huge pair of lady’s breasts scrawled in red pen across a page containing the minutes of a meeting that had taken place earlier that day. There was also an offensive statement about George Osbourne’s mother, which the minister has denounced as “utterly untrue and deeply immature”.

Shapps has denied the accusations, claiming that they are part of a smear campaign, and that the MP probably drew the boobs himself and then forgot about it.

When it was pointed out that some of the offensive statements, such as “I smell of poo” and “Karl Turner 4 Katie Hopkins” appeared to be written in his handwriting, he dismissed this as a coincidence.

Study Shows Katie Hopkins Is Reincarnation Of 17th Century Witch Finder

A new study suggests that controversial media mouthpiece Katie Hopkins is a reincarnation of the 17th century ‘Witchfinder General’ Matthew Hopkins.

The Sun newspaper columnist is believed to be a direct descendant and true reincarnation of the 17th century vicar, responsible for a reign of terror and torture against people accused of being witches.

“The clues are all there,”

Said the scientist that carried out the study.

“It’s obvious that some evil, occult force is at work here, and that the Hopkins known as Katie is a mere vessel for the unquiet spirit of the ‘Witchfinder General’. Back in those days, the government whipped up fear about warlocks and magic, and that allowed the medieval Hopkins to make up loads of stupid shit about witches, and get away with being a gigantic bastard. They didn’t have Twitter or the Geneva Convention in those days of course, so they just tortured and murdered innocent people instead of writing nasty things in some sensationalist rag of a tabloid,”

Hopkins recently described immigrants fleeing brutal regimes as ‘cockroaches’, promoting a police investigation.

“If you look at Matthew Hopkins’s biting satire against the Puritans, all the bollocks he made up about witches, and then at Katie Hopkins’s mealy-mouthed Tweets and moany newspaper column, it’s very probable that Mathew Hopkins has returned from hell to walk amongst us once more,”

The study concluded that the only way to confirm this theory 100% would be to extract a confession by dunking Katie Hopkins in water to see if she floats.

Katie Hopkins Accuses False Widow Spiders Of Benefit Fraud

Katie Hopkins has accused false widow spiders of lying about their marital status, in order to claim more benefits.

Speaking at a business conference in Brighton yesterday, the media mouthpiece claimed that “many, if not all” false widow spiders were not widows or single mothers, as she claimed they were claiming.

“Frankly, I don’t believe that they’re widows at all. There’s a clue in the name for heaven’s sake,” she was overheard telling a pensioner in the pub afterwards.

The species of spider arrived in England in the 1870’s, in crates of fruit from the Canary Islands. Populations have expanded due to climate change. But scientists are not worried that they are going to take all of the traditional spidering jobs, such as sitting in bath tubs, spinning webs on the wing mirrors of Fiat Puntos, and running across the bedroom floor in young women’s bedrooms.

The pensioner that was sitting with Katie Hopkins after the conference said:

“Let’s face it. Who wouldn’t want to be at ground level in a young woman’s bedroom. Phwoar. No wonder they’re all coming over here in their droves. Next time I see one Mrs. Hopkins, I will hit it with a rolled-up copy of the Daily Mail. And may I say, you are just lovely, and you’ve really brightened up an old man’s day. Hail Satan,”

Hopkins claimed that thousands of immigrant false widows were arriving on cargo ships every single day in the UK, and that many lived “6 to a web, right over your head in the attic, scuttering around in corners where you can’t see them, waiting to give you a painful bite on the toe for absolutely no reason, because that’s what they’re like,”

The media has been accused of scaremongering about the false widow spider, and in cases where people have been bitten by a spider, it is easy to confuse false widows with several other species of venomous spider that can bite people, especially when the Daily Mail has apparently managed to convinced everybody that they’re spider experts all of a sudden.

Unexploded Katie Hopkins Found In Central London

An army bomb disposal squad was today trying to remove an unexploded former ‘Apprentice’ candidate with a face like a slapped arse and three miserable kids, from a building in Central London.

Speaking on LBC live, Boris Johnson said:

“We can’t take any risks with the thing. We’re going to cart it off to Kent and blow it up,”

The reality TV star, who was discovered in the basement of a building in the Tower Bridge area of London, was in “significant danger” of exploding, said disposal experts.

A spokesperson for the London Fire Brigade said:

“This is a densely populated area, and there is a diverse mixture of people living and working here. If detonated, the Katie Hopkins could launch into a demonic tirade about absolutely anybody.

The evacuation zone around Katie Hopkins is home to more than 1200 people. A local resident, who has been forced to sleep in a community centre said:

“I’m not allowed to go home until the malignant old relic has been disposed of. I hope they hurry up and explode the terrible artefact, before it breeds or goes on This Morning again,”

UKIP Leaflets Feature Topless Katie Hopkins

UKIP has hired acidic TV rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins to help with a new PR campaign, designed to appeal to women.

The posters and leaflets featuring a smiling, braless Hopkins dressed in a cheeky, topless SS uniform-style dress, designed by scowling, spoon-headed, half-starved sartorial ghoul Victoria Beckham, will feature catchy slogans such as “Katie Backs Britain” and “Muslims Don’t Have Souls And They Should All Just Fuck Off Home,”

UKIP’s head of PR Matthew Richardson explained the unusual step in a press conference on Monday.

“Basically, we’ve tried everything and people still think we’re a bunch of nasty old bigots and a bit of a joke. So we’ve decided to play to our strengths, which means reaching out to the man and woman on the street. We can’t expect women to understand the same propaganda that we use on men, because it’s got numbers in it and stuff. But old Katie’s a good-looking gal and a bit of a laugh, and she speaks her mind. We’re very pleased to have her on board,”

Hopkins was unavailable for comment, as she was taking part in a Satanic, kitten-slaughtering ritual followed by a wife-swapping orgy with showbiz pals Richard and Judy Maidley.

Photo credit: www.huffingtonpost.co.uk

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