Petition To Swap Kanye For White Overpaid Egomaniac

Fans of ‘real music’ and Guardian-reading Coldplay & Biffy Clyro listeners have signed a petition to swap Hip Hop artist Kanye West with a ‘Proper Rock Band’ at the Glastonbury festival this year.

SXSW 2009 Perez Hilton Party

The man that created the petition claimed that he was just trolling Kanye, because he thinks he’s a dick. But over 6000 music fans have signed the petition, which is currently trending on Facebook and Twitter.

A man from Australia that isn’t even going to the festival said he signed the petition because:

“This is a musical injustice, and it’s just political correctness gone mad. Rock music headliners need two things: A white guy and a guitar. Preferably multiples of both, but one will do. I vote we swap this overpaid egomaniac with a white one, like Bono, who at least makes music that I understand,”

Other petition signers grudgingly mentioned that they might accept a girl on the main stage, as long as there was “No Hip Hop references, and no running about in half a tracksuit and a sparkly bra, even if it is Madonna,”

Critics of the petition claim that it’s a bit unfair to moan about an act that you’re not even going to see, as there are many other acts playing on several stages on the Saturday night.

“This is bloody Glastonbury, not the X-Factor Road Show,”

Grumbled an Oasis fan in Manchester.

“I don’t care who it is, as long as they have a bit of a gravelly voice and somebody plays the guitar,”

Woman Smokes Crack, Books Kanye For Glastonbury

Kanye West will be headlining Glastonbury 2015, after Emily Eavis accidently took a toot on a crack pipe.

kanye west glastonbury 2015

“I saw some people smoking what I thought was weed in a hedge at the bottom of a field. I didn’t realise it was crack, and when they offered me some I said yes. Driving around on a tractor is quite boring, and it’s a million times better when you’re stoned, so I really went for it & ended up off my tits on crack cocaine. My tractor ended up on its roof in a ditch, and I accidently picked up the ‘phone and booked Kanye West for the main stage on Saturday. Holy crap, what have I done?”

Guardian-reading Coldplay fans have rallied against the decision, on the grounds that they don’t approve of Hip-Hop or boasting.

“Oh, just ignore them,”

Said Emily Eavis, rolling a joint the size of a prize-winning carrot.

“They always pigging moan. If you dug up John Lennon, brought him back to life and made all the tickets free, they’d still find something to whinge about. Glastonbury wouldn’t be the same without horrible, cold weather and people just moaning about a singer they don’t like. It’s tradition,”

Ebola Facial For Kim Kardashian

Celebs are flocking to an upmarket London salon screaming, “Take my money, just goddamn take it!” and “I’m famous, do I get a free one?” to take advantage of a controversial new anti-aging treatment. But Kim Kardashian got her sticky celeb dibs in there first, after threatening the staff with Kanye’s poetry.


Dubbed the ‘Ebola Facial’, the treatment promises ‘Full Rejuvenation’ of the face and neck. The creator of the pioneering new treatment said:

“There is some vomiting and a fever, but very little internal bleeding. Ebola gets a rough ride in the press, but celebrities would inject liquidised dog shit into their faces with a rusty needle if they thought it would make them pretty, and loads of people copy Trashy Kardashy, so obviously we’re going to make a mint out of this,”


“When Madonna heard about it, she ordered 24 tubs of Ebola-infected bat dung for her entourage,”

The treatment was pioneered by Oxford student Sophie Fulham-Wexley. During the inventor’s gap year, she helped out at an orphanage for terminally ill children in Africa, where many of the children and young teenagers had contracted Ebola.

“I was out there photographing the terminally ill children for my Instagram account. You know, to raise awareness. I was so astonished at how youthful the children looked, I left the orphanage and flew home straight away. After negotiating a grant from my Father’s pharmaceutical business, I developed a way to turn Ebola into a luxury facial.

Proper doctors everywhere have universally condemned the practise of rubbing Ebola-infected bat faeces onto the face and neck. But the ones that flog homeopathic medicine and magic rocks are jumping up and down, and rubbing their hands together with glee.

“We can’t wait to start selling Ebola ‘cures’ to these absolute idiots,” said a Knightsbridge crystal healer and pet therapist. “I’ve already booked a holiday in the Bahamas,”

Kanye Brits Fail Due To ‘Higher Spiritual Vibration With Tupac And Michael Jackson

UK fans of the annual Brits award ceremony were disappointed when half of the rapper’s vocals appeared to be muted. But Kanye claims they weren’t muted – it’s just that only true fans could hear them, and everyone else is a stinky none-believer that doesn’t try hard enough to be a Kanye fan.


“What a load of shit!” said a fan from Leeds. “I used to like him, but I think he’s a bit of a cock-womble now,”

“What’s the point of even singing if you’re going to mute half of it?” asked loads of other people on Facebook, with some adding “Fuck you Kanye, you’re a dick”

In a statement after the performance, West told reporters that it was not a muddle-up about the watershed, or even due to ignoring advice that he would be muted and ruin the song. He claimed that the missing vocals from the track were “still there” in the song, but only real proper true Kanye fans that have bought all his DVDs and been to loads of gigs could hear them.

“I was on a higher plane during those parts,”

Said the star.

“I’d ascended to rap heaven at that point, and Tupac and Michael Jackson were jamming with me. If you couldn’t hear that, you’re operating on a lower vibration to the true fans, and I pity you and pray for you,”