Napping Man On Couch ‘Actually Still Awake You Silly Cow’

A 38 year old man from Northampton that fell asleep on the sofa on a Sunday afternoon has strenuously denied claims that he was asleep, or that his wife made a video of him snoring like a walrus on her ‘phone. The video was uploaded to the popular social media website Facebook, and was entitled ‘Bob snoring on the couch hahaha’.

Television Dreams

“I was just resting my eyes. I was not asleep,”

He said, adding:

“My wife is talking rubbish. She’s hysterical. I’m a very virile 38 years old, and I don’t fall asleep in the middle of the Hollyoaks omnibus, which incidentally I wasn’t watching,”

His wife claims that he was snoring loudly with his mouth wide open after taking the dog for a walk, and that she employed various methods to wake him up. She claims to have clapped her hands, called him by name several times, and waggled his shoulders.

“He was out for the count,”

She said on Facebook.

“No I bloody well wasn’t. I was just pretending,”

He claims.

“Sweetheart, I farted on your arm and told you I’d slept with your brother, and all you did was snort, and mumble ‘You’ve ruined the begonias. I’ll have to start all over again now’ and carry on snoring,”

“What? What do you mean you slept with my brother?”

Bob’s wife informed him that it was a joke, and she was just trying to wake him up because his tea was getting cold. She then showed him the video of him snoring. Bob claims that it can’t be him in the video, because he doesn’t snore, was only pretending to snore on the couch, and anyway that guy’s beer belly is too big to be him, and she must be mistaken.

“I think she must be on the change or something,”

Majority Of Women ‘Fine’ With Being A Bitch

It used to be a devastating insult for a woman. But a growing number of women are embracing ‘Being A Bitch’ as a lifestyle.


“This is worrying trend, that shows no signs of slowing down,” said Doctor Tinder. “By 2017, up to 60% of women could identify as bitches, and sales of stupid magazines about how to be thin on a diet of cupcakes and penises will be none existent,”

Up to 80% of so called ‘bitches’ claim that they are just sick and tired of men and their stupid pointless willies.

“I’m just fucking sick of them, to be perfectly honest. Said Sophie Seymour, author of “Aw Fuck It, I Just Can’t Be Sodding Arsed With Being Nice To Men Any More,”

“It’s bloody God that gets me,” said former church goer Valerie Nice.

“Oh God made the world. With his fucking enormous dick, most probably. Blah-dee-fucking blah. Look at my amazing gold-plated dick, I’m going to make dinosaurs appear. Look at me, I just created a mongoose with my amazing dick. Wha wha wha, isn’t football brilliant. Here, have some murder, inequality and death. Have you seen the cricket scores? I’m God I am. Isn’t my dick amazing,”

I’ve been messed about by men pretty much all of my adult life,” added retired hairdresser Maureen Sloppard. “I just can’t be fucking twatted with them any more. If I’ve got a face like a slapped arse, my hair scraped back in a scrunchie I found down the back of the settee, and I don’t care that my backside is the size of a 1980’s Volvo, that’s their fucking lookout, not mine. Sorry I spoiled your day by walking down the bastard street without looking pleasant and harmless. Call Doctor Give A Fuck, because I’m not interested,”

“We told you this would happen!” screeched hysterical Men’s Rights Activists. “I don’t want my children to live in a world where women we don’t know just swan around not giving a shit whether we like them or not, or even bothering to put some lippy on before they go to the shops,”

“Kiss my arse,” said Maureen Sloppard, cutting herself a huge slice of carrot cake and pouring herself a pint mug of wine. “Kiss my big fat bitchy arse,”


‘Not Enough Science’ In Men’s Hair Dye

A report by the manufacturers of leading men’s hair colourant product ‘Just For Men’, shows that it contains up to 40% less science than ten years ago.

just for men

“Frankly I’m very disappointed,” said one long-time user of the product. “I like to think of all the hair dye stuff forcefully penetrating the hair shaft and impregnating it with the new colour against its will. I was horrified that it now basically works in a similar way to girl’s hair dye. It makes me want to shave all of my remaining hair off in disgust, and I’ll be boycotting it until they put the science back in,”

While women’s hair dye often contains up to 80% flower juices, sunshine and otter cuddles, the main ingredient in men’s hair products is actual, proper science.

“It’s an absolute sham to use words like ‘Oxygen Activated Technology’ and implying that this is a man’s product, when it contains significantly less science than women’s hair dye,”

Said an anonymous industry regulator.

“Men are relying on the makers of this product to include a respectable and manly level of science in this product, and the manufacturers are coming up short. You might as well be using girl’s hair dye, like some sort of woofter.”