jellyfish – The Beezly Street Gazette

Wasps ‘Even Bigger Pricks Than Jellyfish’

After a 12 year study concluded that Jellyfish are just horrible, pointless bastards, insect anthropologists have been quick to point out that wasps are much bigger pricks than jellyfish.

All biologists agreed that there is no point to jellyfish at all, but wasps are a necessary part of the ecosystem, even though they are gigantic pricks.

“Any creature that would viciously sting some poor sod innocently building a sandcastle on the beach is clearly a complete and total bastard, and both wasps and jellyfish would not hesitate to sting you in the face or on the end of your knob for absolutely no reason.”

Said a statement from the Institute of Stingy Insects.

“The difference is though, that jellyfish don’t really know they’re stinging you. They’re probably just swimming up to sniff your leg or something. Or getting stranded on the beach, because they’re not very bright.”

The scientists studying the jellyfish agreed with the insect anthropologists that wasps were both bastards and pricks, while jellyfish were just bastards. They did however point out that jellyfish are extremely stupid, while wasps at least have rudimentary intelligence. This would make them stupid bastards, rather than just bastards.

Dr. Gordon Bennett, a wasp expert from the Institute of Stingy Insects said:

“Being a jellyfish doesn’t involve much, and there’s really only one rule, which is to stay in the fucking water. It’s not like there isn’t enough water in the entire sea to swim about in. But they can’t even manage to do that half the time. A creature with the brain of a lard sandwich can’t sting you on purpose.

Wasps are just gits though. They’ll sting you on the arse for fun and then get all their mates involved. That makes them much bigger pricks than jellyfish. They’re like the football hooligans of the insect world. Just massive dickheads that nobody wants to share a pub garden with,”

Jellyfish “Just Bastards” claim scientists

Marine Biologists that spent twelve years fitting jellyfish with ‘data loggers’ have finally published their findings.

A big, wobbly, yellow Jellybastard

“They’re just twats,” announced Dr. Albert Poisson of the Marine Biology Society in a recent press conference. “Couldn’t be more pointless, just floating around and mangling everything they come into contact with. You can’t eat them, you can’t play with them, and they’re not very interesting to look at. It’s just like a bunch of water has got together and decided to roam around fucking fish over. Most unpleasant,”

The $40 million dollar study, which involved some of the leading minds in the scientific community, has concluded that there is absolutely no point to jellyfish whatsoever, and that they are just floating bastards that roam around the ocean stinging things for no reason. The scientists did admit that the rare and endangered leatherback turtle eats them, but concluded that the turtles were just “being public-spirited”.

“We already know that some jellyfish can live for thousands of years because of their almost supernatural ability to re-generate their own cells perfectly,”

Said Dr. Sherry Fish.

“But we were intrigued as to why this was, and wondered if this was in some way beneficial to the eco-system of the planet. But we discovered, after extensive research, that this is not the case. Jellyfish have no impact, positive or negative on the health of the ocean or the creatures that live it in. They’re just kind of unpleasant and pointless,”