Jeremy Kyle ‘Still A Bellend’ Say Experts

Modern witch finder general Jeremy Kyle’s pertinent rollocking about male victims of domestic violence may be trending today, but experts are quick to point out that he remains one of Britain’s biggest bell ends.

Lord Joldemort

Lord Joldemort issued the dressing-down during an episode of his popular daytime show. For readers not familiar with ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’, it’s a sort of cross between a job centre waiting room on a Wednesday afternoon in Stoke-on-Trent, and a 17th century hanging. Populated mainly by cross-eyed peasants, whose ancestors may have mated with turnips at some point during the reign of Richard the Third, the show was inspired by medieval witch trials. Unfortunately both goats and other livestock as witnesses are not allowed due to health and safety concerns, and the traditional ducking stool has been replaced with a Polygraph test.

Jeremy Vile, as the British public affectionately knows him, acts as a kind of Papa Lazarus to the orgy of sex, lies and criminal dentistry that takes place on the stage, which is built over a deconsecrated plague pit, and said to be cursed.

Although Kyle’s tirade at the audience for laughing at a domestic violence incident was justified, say experts, they are also quick to point out that this in no way detracts from him being a humungous bell end.

“One of the biggest we’ve ever seen in fact,”

Said an expert.

“It’s rare that a bell end of such epic proportions survives into middle age, as barking “PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT!” at volatile peasants after berating them for an an hour in front of a baying mob can be extremely dangerous. But this wily old wanker has not only thrived, but also managed to spawn. A magnificent specimen indeed. Britain’s biggest in fact,”

Sir Trevor McDonald To Join Mafia

Former newsreader Sir Trevor McDonald has revealed that “bitches and money” are behind his decision to become part of an organised crime cartel.

trevor mcdonald

“It was all rather eye-opening”

Said the esteemed journalist, speaking about the ITV documentary “The Mafia With Trevor McDonald”

“These people are much cooler than my other friends, and up to their necks in fast cars and exotic young fanny. I’d never thought of being a career criminal before, but there’s something about “The Mafia With Trevor McDonald” that just has a certain ring to it,”

It’s a surprising move for a respectable journalist, whose only previous antisocial behaviour was accidently saying the C-word on the telly by accident, when he muddled up the words “Kent countryside” on News at Ten. But the mafia are keen to take him into their fold.

“I shall have to think of a nickname now, like Badass McD or Trevor Trouble-Trousers. And what are you looking at, tough guy? You think you can handle the big T.M? Get out of here kid,”