Judges Allowed To Access Porn On Lunch Breaks

Following the recent sacking and resignation of four judges for accessing pornography on their computers at work, there has been a change in the law to allow them to browse pornographic material during their lunch breaks.


The Judicial Conduct Investigations Office has stated that looking at women’s busts and bacon butterflies during working hours was an “inexcusable misuse of IT accounts”, but has laid out new guidelines for accessing erotica during official lunch breaks.

“Judges are notoriously out of touch with the real world and technology, and have only recently discovered the Pandora’s Box of filth available to them at the click of a mouse. Most judges have heard of the Internet, but have no idea how to work an computer mouse, and would probably try to beat it to death with a slipper rather than use it to access XHamster.com.

“On top of the sacking and public shaming, at least one ex judge has been financially fleeced by a twenty-stone Norwegian con-artist posing as a busty porn star named Tits Mgee, and has been forced to sell two of his homes. That goes some way towards showing how new and exciting it is for them,”

Said a spokesperson for the Investigations office.

“Hopefully these new guidelines will allow judges to access videos of German people doing unspeakable things to fruit, vegetables and each other, at a more appropriate time of day,”

‘Just Stop F***ing Moaning’ Say Heartless Bosses

In an anonymous survey of over 2000 company directors, “Employees just fucking moaning about their needs and pathetic little lives,” was top of the shit list.

I hate my boss

“People needing their hand holding by their colleagues when they have a major operation really get on my tits,” said one anonymous responder. “If you’re working for me, I hired you AND all of your internal organs. Sitting in the office sobbing on work time is taking the piss,”

“Don’t go crying to HR all the time you bloody mard-arses,” and “A problem shared is a problem doubled” were the overall sentiments in the detailed study, designed to streamline HR departments. The adjustments that the report recommends could save up to eighty million pounds in the next five years.

“The trouble is, everybody wants to moan face to face now, and it wastes a lot of time & creates a huge paper trail. What happened to the good old-fashioned stuff upper lip?”

The study was sponsored by a robotics company that make HR robots, which can nod and mirror your expressions & body language, and ask you clarify what you just moaned about, and write a report on it. These robots are intended to lessen the burden on HR departments, who really have more important things to do than dealing with actual humans.

“But really, it would be better if everyone realized how lucky they were to have a job, did exactly as they were told, and stopped fucking moaning,”

Said the CEO of a multi million pound cosmetics company.