Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Patron saint of Ireland Saint Patrick has advised Irish people that aren’t gay to avoid marrying people of the same sex “to prevent any awkwardness and suchlike”.

saint patrick

Speaking in a disembodied voice from a patch of shamrocks near the reputed burial place of the visionary missionary, Saint Patrick advised the population that the referendum mostly wouldn’t affect them at all unless they were gay, in which case it would be “brilliant”.

“There’s a lot of confusion about this issue, and people are worried that it’s the slippery slope to marrying goats, upsetting baby Jesus and floods. But if the people of Ireland take a few sensible precautions, lads that don’t want to marry a fella should be able to avoid any problems with the proposed change in the law. The same goes for girls,”

Said the ghostly voice of the legendary holy man.

“There’s absolutely no need for anyone to get their knickers in a twist. Baby Jesus is fine about it, and just wants everyone to love each other and all that. And let’s face it, it’s a great excuse for a knees-up,”

“Knackery Is Knackering” Claims Knackered Old Knacker

Claims that running a Knacker’s yard is not actually that knackering are being strenuously denied by Fred Knacker, of Knacker & Knacker’s Knacker’s yard on the outskirts of Knackertown.

knackers yard

“My father was a Knacker, and he was always knackered. Knackery is a very knackering profession. He’d spend all day stacking knackered old knackers until he was too knackered to stack. Kids these days don’t know what being knackered is. I’m looking for an apprentice knacker stacker, but nobody knows how to stack knackers properly, never mind not getting too knackered,”

Said Mr. Knacker, as he stacked the old knackers in a tidy knacker stack.

“I’ll be ready for the knacker’s yard myself if I stack any more knackers today. I’m bloody knackered. But I’ll have to get up and stack more knackers all day tomorrow. If anybody tells you it’s easy, they’ve never stacked a pile of knackered old knackers in their life. It’s bloody knackering,”