injury – The Beezly Street Gazette

Sex could be phased out and replaced with Crossfit as early as 2020, according to experts.

A Crossfit instructor from Milton Keynes is backing the new legislation, which would see amorous couples performing three rounds of 50 squats, seven muscle-ups and ten hang power cleans, instead of banging each other like a Salvation Army drum.

“Experiencing a Zen-like, Nirvanic pain in your chest after three rounds of burpees and then lying on the floor sobbing in a puddle of a stranger’s sweat is actually better and more effective than sex,”

He explained, while juggling kettleballs with his feet and making a kale and salmon smoothie.

“It’s not about saying no to sex. It’s about saying yes to fitness,”

Experts have pointed out that having several bouts of vigorous sex on a Sunday afternoon, in no way prepares you for rescuing a theoretical grandmother from a hypothetical burning building, or helps you to disarm a rogue grizzly bear that is trying to hold up an off-license with a sawn-off shotgun, and has taken a photogenic small child as a hostage and possibly a snack.

Teenaged Stupidity Reaches Record Levels

The brain-boggling stupidity of teenagers has reached record levels this year, a study has confirmed.

Teenagers, not known for being particularly sensible anyway, are now 30% more daft than they were in the 1990’s.

According to the study, today’s youngsters are 30% more likely to injure themselves just sitting down at a table, rather than in the more traditional ways such as skateboarding accidents, drunken falls and throwing things at each other.

Girls in particular, traditionally thought of as being slightly more sensible than teenaged boys, are starting to catch up with boys in terms of copying stupid people doing stupid things on the Internet.

“Whereas once you’d really worry about teenaged boys doing stupid things like punching each other in the face or running each other over with motorbikes, now you can’t even trust that a teenaged girl sitting on the computer in her bedroom isn’t going to literally blow her face up with vacuum suction, or poke herself in the eye with the end of a styling wand, trying to video herself doing her hair for Youtube. It’s a worrying trend, and one that shows no sign of slowing down,”

Fortunately, most teenagers grow out of doing stupid things, just because they’ve seen some other stupid idiot doing it. But experts worry that the bar for stupidity has been set so high, that we can expect even more ridiculous injuries over the next ten years.

“Nobody knows when this level of stupidity will peak. We could see teenagers trying to fly to the moon on the back of a massive firework, or performing their own ear modifications with their mum’s pinking shears. But don’t worry, they’ll grow out of it eventually,”