illegal – The Beezly Street Gazette

Spanish Government Unveil Brutal Hologram ‘Protest Police Squad’

The Spanish Government have unveiled their special task force of holographic, armed police officers to deal with future holographic protests, like the one held in front of parliament in Madrid.

A shot of the new holographic police squad, kicking shit through a peaceful activist for his own safety.

The ‘Citizen Safety Police’ will be entirely holographic, and armed with batons, tazers, handcuffs and mace. There will also be highly trained holographic police dogs, horses composed entirely of light, and two completely theoretical tanks authorised to fire on citizens, if it is deemed that they are endangering themselves.

Under Spain’s new ‘Gag Law’ or ‘Citizen Safety Law’ peacefully protesting outside a government building about, for example, a law that prevents citizens from peacefully protesting outside government buildings would be illegal.

A spokesperson for the Spanish Government said:

“You may think you’re very clever, projecting holograms onto a public building, avoiding being arrested and making us all look like pinche idiota. But next time, we will have tanks, dogs and holographic tazers. And we will round you all up, and put you in Hologram Prison!”

David Cameron ‘Hunting Is Different For Upper Classes’

The British countryside could soon see a return to traditional hunting.

“The Hunting Act has done nothing to help the welfare of the upper classes,”

Said the Prime Minister to all the toffs, writing in the Country Alliance magazine.

Cameron, who has killed loads of foxes by chasing them down on horseback with his posh pals, suggests that hunting is a countryside ‘way of life’, which should not be tampered with, despite the fact that the UK is traditionally a nation of animal lovers, and many people oppose hunting.

“Obviously it’s different when rich people do it,”

Said the Prime Minister.

“Poor people are all violent and murdery. I saw it on the telly. Chasing some poor, wild animal for miles and then letting some dogs rip it to pieces is completely different to illegal dog fighting. Apart from that it’s illegal at the moment. That’s really where the similarity ends. Getting an animal to rip another animal to pieces for the enjoyment of a baying mob, is completely and totally different when the upper classes and people with Swiss bank accounts and several properties abroad do it,”

“It is my firm belief that people should have the right to hunt. Because countryside. And tradition. And stuff. Just because a survey said 80% of the population think it’s a bloody awful thing to do in this day and age, doesn’t mean that it should be banned. For God’s sake, will somebody please think of the upper classes!”

The shadow environment secretary Maria Eagle has stated:

“Only Labour will protect the Hunting Act. Ten years ago the Labour party ended the cruel practice of hunting with dogs, because we believe that causing defenceless animals to suffer in the name of sport has no place in a civilised society,”

“Shut up you stupid cow,”

David Cameron is reported to have said. “It’s only a bloody fox. It’s probably friends with gypsys,”