Living Saint Gwyneth Paltrow To Perform Holy Miracle With Food Stamps

Saintly kale-muncher Gwyneth Paltrow has graciously accepted a challenge to live for an entire week on a food stamp budget. Poor people everywhere are deeply touched by the multi-millionairess ‘having a go’ at being too poor to buy food, and have Tweeted their support to the actress.


The mother and health nut, whose poop is probably the most nutritious superfood on earth & can be eaten raw with a grapefruit spoon to cure baldness, tweeted a picture of a single loaf of bread and a dead fish, claiming that was her food for the week.

“I’ll take my knickers off and moon at the bread and the fish. The holy light issuing from my ass will ensure that there will always be enough bread and fish. I’ll serve it simply and humbly, with some lime and cilantro. I don’t know why poor people don’t just miracle their bread and fish, instead of stuffing themselves full of junk food. There would be plenty of money left over to buy limes and cilantro if everybody did this,”

Said the actress on her ‘Goop’ website, where she plans to make a huge deal of how you can live on food stamps for a week and still make delicious, healthy dishes at your leisure, in your gigantic farmhouse-style kitchen in your heated mansion, thus proving how stupid and lazy poor people are.

“She’s a living saint,”

Said the owner of a food bank in Manchester. “I am going to write to her and ask her for some recipes for Smart Price cornflakes, a small carton of skimmed UHT milk and a can of value beans,”

Michelle Rodriguez To Have Foot Surgically Removed From Mouth

The high-profile action movie actress Michelle Rodriguez today suffered a serious, but not career-threatening accident.


The ‘Fast & Furious’ actress was leaving a restaurant in L.A., when she was asked if rumours of her playing the character ‘Green Lantern’ were true.

It was then that she slid over on a comedy banana skin left outside the restaurant and took a serious tumble, with her left foot ending up stuck in her mouth.

Because the actresses’ mouth had a designer shoe in it, as well as her whole foot, she didn’t get around to answering the question, with something like:

‘That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I think it’s so stupid, because of this whole “minorities in Hollywood” thing. It’s so stupid, stop stealing all the white people’s superheroes. Like, make up your own.’

And narrowly avoided offending a metric shit-tonne of people, and having to publically explain and apologize.

The operation to remove Rodriguez’s foot from her cake-hole is scheduled for Monday morning.

Kelly Osbourne To Just F*** Off Altogether

The talentless daughter of incoherent rock star Ozzy Osbourne, has quit a high profile fashion show job talking about clothes. This is the eleventy-billionth showbiz job that Kelly Osbourne has been completely mediocre at. It is rumoured that the reality show celebrity may now just fuck off altogether, and stop appearing on our screens with different coloured hair every 3 months, for literally no reason whatsoever.

kelly osbourne

“There’s absolutely no point to Kelly Osbourne,” said Melissa Rivers, daughter of the late comedian Joan Rivers. “Apart from of the fact that she’s so damned wooden, common and unlikable, she made my mother look like Julie fucking Andrews,”

Rumours that the star may just fuck off and stop being on the TV all the time dressed like a blind person are unconfirmed at the moment. But an industry insider said:

“Maybe she will just finally fuck off this time, and stop pretending to be a TV presenter, an actress, a DJ or whatever the fuck else she just fancies doing right at that moment in time, because she has a famous father and lots of money. We can but hope,”