Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Patron saint of Ireland Saint Patrick has advised Irish people that aren’t gay to avoid marrying people of the same sex “to prevent any awkwardness and suchlike”.

saint patrick

Speaking in a disembodied voice from a patch of shamrocks near the reputed burial place of the visionary missionary, Saint Patrick advised the population that the referendum mostly wouldn’t affect them at all unless they were gay, in which case it would be “brilliant”.

“There’s a lot of confusion about this issue, and people are worried that it’s the slippery slope to marrying goats, upsetting baby Jesus and floods. But if the people of Ireland take a few sensible precautions, lads that don’t want to marry a fella should be able to avoid any problems with the proposed change in the law. The same goes for girls,”

Said the ghostly voice of the legendary holy man.

“There’s absolutely no need for anyone to get their knickers in a twist. Baby Jesus is fine about it, and just wants everyone to love each other and all that. And let’s face it, it’s a great excuse for a knees-up,”

Fulham Sinkhole Confirmed As Mouth Of Hades

The three foot wide crevice that opened up in front of a café on a Fulham street, swallowing several members of the public, has been confirmed as the mythical ‘Mouth Of Hades’ or entrance to the Underworld.


Experts from the British Museum have confirmed that this is not the Christian ‘Hell’, so there is no danger of explosions, lava, fire or escaping imps roaming the streets of Fulham and affecting house prices.

“This is a more classical abode of the dead, and therefore rather more misty and gloomy. It existed long before the idea of heaven and hell, and even before London, which as we know is very old. This particular hole is located above the Fields of Asphodel, which is a sort of afterlife version of Stoke-on-Trent,”

Said the expert, adding that the hole is unlikely to be dangerous, but that anyone who fell all the way down it would be forbidden by the ancient god of death Hades himself from leaving.

The council have cordoned off the area, and are expected to fill it in with gravel over the weekend. The public are being discouraged from offering sacrifices to the hole, and from pushing each other towards it as a dare.

Highway To Hell To Become An ‘A’ Road

Due to ever increasing traffic numbers, the Highway to Hell is to be reclassified as an A-road, and repairs will be carried out over the next few years.


Work beginning in 2016 will widen the road, add several more lanes and repair the potholes caused by skateboards and hand-carts. A new service station is to be built, housing a Little Chef restaurant, and a branch of WH Smiths.

A new cycle lane will be added, and a free National Express coach service with a toilet that smells like fresh sick will make daily trips up and down the highway.

Those that wish to cross the River Styx in the traditional fashion instead of using the highway, will find the skeletal ferryman replaced by one of twenty seven coin-operated toll booths. An automated ferry, capable of carrying up to twenty souls, will carry passengers across the river of forgetfulness. Complimentary tea and biscuits will be available, but passengers will not be able to purchase alcohol while on board. The gift shop will be open from 7am until 6pm every day apart from Sunday.