‘Put The Lotion In The Basket’ Atos Tells Sick & Disabled

Sick and disabled people that wish to appeal fitness-to-work decisions by Atos, are to be thrown down a well and asked to “Put the lotion in the basket,”


“This is a much more accurate assessment of whether somebody is capable of returning to work, than simply asking them loads of questions and then ignoring all the answers,” Said a spokesperson for Atos.

“By throwing them down a well, and then lowering a bucket down on a string and asking them to rub lotion into themselves, our assessors can get a clear picture of whether they are capable of re-entering the job market,”

The procedure involves leaving the claimant at the bottom of the well in the dark, with only chicken bones to chew on for a couple of days, to see if they climb out. If they do escape, they may be arrested for benefit fraud. If not, the bucket is lowered down with lotion in, which the claimant must use and then return to the bucket.

“Or it will get the hose!” added the spokesperson.

The procedure is intended to supplement rather than replace the traditional interview with the incorrectly qualified specialist. Claimants with mental health issues are still going to be seen by physiotherapists, and people about to have their homes repossessed because of their illness, will still be able to talk to some judgmental, Subaru-driving, incompetent cockwomble, that thinks you look suspiciously healthy for a cancer patient.

“We did suggest charging the most financially and medically vulnerable members of society upwards of a hundred quid to appeal a decision, that was based on some snooty bastard looking them up & down and deciding that they’re lying. But even we couldn’t get away with that. We feel that throwing them down a well and screaming at them to put the lotion in the basket is a fairer way forward,”

‘Not Enough Science’ In Men’s Hair Dye

A report by the manufacturers of leading men’s hair colourant product ‘Just For Men’, shows that it contains up to 40% less science than ten years ago.

just for men

“Frankly I’m very disappointed,” said one long-time user of the product. “I like to think of all the hair dye stuff forcefully penetrating the hair shaft and impregnating it with the new colour against its will. I was horrified that it now basically works in a similar way to girl’s hair dye. It makes me want to shave all of my remaining hair off in disgust, and I’ll be boycotting it until they put the science back in,”

While women’s hair dye often contains up to 80% flower juices, sunshine and otter cuddles, the main ingredient in men’s hair products is actual, proper science.

“It’s an absolute sham to use words like ‘Oxygen Activated Technology’ and implying that this is a man’s product, when it contains significantly less science than women’s hair dye,”

Said an anonymous industry regulator.

“Men are relying on the makers of this product to include a respectable and manly level of science in this product, and the manufacturers are coming up short. You might as well be using girl’s hair dye, like some sort of woofter.”

Could YOU Be A Commentator For The Daily Mail?

Reactionary tabloid spaff-rag the Daily Mail is one of the most widely read ‘newspapers’ in the world, despite the fact that most reasonable people wouldn’t line their budgie cage with it, in case their budgie suddenly started shouting “Immigrants! Coming over here, giving our house prices cancer!”

daily mail woman

But the populist wingnut virtual chip-wrap has seen its notorious ‘comments’ section at the bottom of each article dwindle over the past couple of years, and is now appealing for fresh blood.

The rise of Twitter and other social media, mean it’s now easier than ever to type ignorant, judgemental horseshit about total strangers on the Internet. As a result, activity on the comment boards is at an all time low.

“We think the cold snap has probably killed off half of our commentators,” said the Mail’s only LGBT columnist Melanie Phillips. “They’re all old, mad and don’t have any friends or anything better to do. They’re the kind of people that wouldn’t let British Gas into the house to fix their boiler in case they stole their false teeth, so it’s not surprising the vile comments are dropping off a bit. I can imagine them all frozen solid in their beds, with the jar of crumbs that they’ve saved so that the birds don’t eat them, slowing going mouldy in their icy grip,”

“It’s a great way to harass people indirectly,” said the Devil via Ouija board. “The DM has got into trouble in the past for its pitchfork mentality towards innocent members of the public. Now they just get their readers to do it for them,”

The Daily Mail prides itself on the tolerance, pseudo-Christian values and open-mindedness of its readership, and  is seeking semi-literate applicants with passion and flair.

Last year’s ‘Commenter Of The Year’ award went to Joan Bigot from Hull, with her magnificent “String’em up & make’em eat the key!” rant regarding teenagers performing lascivious acts for free drinks in an Ibiza nightclub. The Mail hopes there are more curtain-twitching dipshits that buy concrete garden mere cats from B&M, that are willing to put their snarky two pee into the overfilled, underpunctuated piss-pot of loathsome twattery that is the Daily Mail comments section.

It’s very easy to apply – all you have to do is scroll to the bottom of your favourite Daily Mail article (preferably one about Josie Cunningham’s tits) and write something that only a friendless fucking moron with absolutely nothing better to do would say.



Gwyneth Paltrow Fitted With Stained Glass ‘Vaginal Window’

Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to have a stained glass, religious style window fitted into your vagina. But health experts believe this piece of lifestyle advice is transparently ridiculous.

“Good God, if you want to relax your vagina, why don’t you just have a twang in the bath like normal people?” Said every gynaecologist in the entire world. “Having a mini window depicting Mary Magdalene fitted up your Bacon Butterfly is both weird and dangerous,”

stained glass

After the actress raved about the treatment on her blog, the Stoke-on-Trent carpenter that carried out the procedure was booked up until 2017.

“You sit in a carpentry workshop, on what is essentially a mini woodworking table, with your legs in the air. Then a man called Alan puts his rollup out, finishes his tea and fits a tiny window depicting Mary Magdalene into the back of your vagina. This allows the sunlight that issues from your arsehole to shine its blinding, holy light into your fanny as well,”

Said the actress, adding that she believed that the procedure would benefit all women.

“You can jigger right off with that bloody nonsense,” said two hundred Yorkshire housewives on Mumsnet.