Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

New research shows that vegetables and other plants “scream blue murder” as they are cooked or eaten. Although inaudible to the human ear, a special listening device placed on various vegetables turned the making of a simple salad into a “holocaust of horror”.

In a study on carrots, scientists found that carrots did not scream in a basket at the supermarket, or when placed into the salad shelf of a fridge. But according to researchers:

“The screaming began when the carrot was placed on a chopping board and peeled with a knife. And then all of the vegetables started screaming. It was like the front row of a One Direction concert. Disturbing stuff.

Said the scientist, who has since given up all fruits and vegetables, apart from ones he can sneak up on and quickly throw into boiling water “for a more humane death”.

“At least animals are dead when you eat them,” he added, shuddering.

‘Love, Honor And Puree’ – Woman Marries Nutribullet

A 35 year old woman from Leeds, UK has married her Nutribullet blender, after owning it for three days.

“I’ve never felt so fulfilled,”

Said the woman, after ditching her smoothie maker and juicer for the swanky ‘Magic Bullet’ blender that can pulverize carrots and even nuts.

“I’m obsessed with it. I can’t stop putting different types of food into it and turning them into pulp, and running around the house with a glass of mango and spirulina smoothie forcing people to look at the texture of it and drink it. It’s like being a crack addict, but ten times more annoying,”

The bride’s best friend said:

“If she mentions that sodding blender one more time, I’m going to stick it up her (censored). She hasn’t shut up about liquidating carrots and beetroot since she took it out of the box, which she probably liquidised with a handful of collard greens and drank. But I’m glad she’s happy,”

During the short ceremony, the happy couple promise to “love, honor and puree” and were showered with rose petals, which the Magic Bullet promptly turned into a nutritious paste that can be added to soup.

Fat Girls Banned From Trendy Yoga Studios

We caught up with Ocean Breeze from the British Warren of Yoga Bunnies, to ask her why she has controversially banned size 12 and above women from attending her yoga classes.

“It’s just not the image I want to project,”

Said the yoga teacher and Warren spokeswoman, standing on her head in her Laura Ashley kitchen and preparing a quinoa and wheatgrass salad with her feet.

“They reek of white bread and supermarket wine, and one of them was joking about needing a kebab on the way home, to recover from an hour of Bikram. When you do a lot of yoga and keep your body pure, you develop an acute sense of smell, and it’s off-putting to true yoga fans to have these sloths lumping themselves around in the studio,”

When asked if banning larger ladies from daylight classes was in any way prompted by personal prejudice, Ocean Breeze said:

“I am not thinking of myself here, but of all my lovely, tiny, slim yoga bunnies, who have long tolerated the presence of meat eaters, social smokers and dairy consumers. Only yesterday, in our Covent Garden studio (a beautiful space with great energy), a man attended our class, and his shirt fell over his face during the ‘Stork Bumming A Dead Penguin’ pose, and he didn’t even have a six-pack. We try not to judge, so we didn’t say anything. But during the ‘Downward Facing Dog’ pose, he broke wind with great force into the face of the size four vegan behind him, and it smelled of rotting Vindaloo. She’s still in a coma now, and her family are playing whale song 24/7 to wake her up.

“It can be dangerous to have these people in the studio with smaller yoga bunnies,”

Ms Breeze continued, while gracefully returning to a standing posture and staring at her perfect abs in the mirror for several minutes.

“In L.A. a woman with cellulite was attempting the tree pose for the first time, and fell over onto a skeletal yoga instructor, who’d been living off cherry pits and salt licks for the last twenty years, and killed her. That yoga sloth has blood on her hands,”

Understandably shaken and slightly de-yogafied by these recollections, Breeze leads me through to the living room of her airy Highgate apartment. We drink Rooibos tea, and she offers me a slice of carrot. The walls are tastefully decorated with a mish-mash of spiritual symbols from other cultures, including that blue dude from Ikea.

When asked if people of all shapes and sizes should even be allowed to practise yoga, even if they’re not stick thin, middle class, slightly arty gluten free vegans with a Buddha in their front room, she replied:

“Well, I suppose they could. But they should do it at home, or rent a working men’s club or something. Nobody wants to see disgusting, imperfect people standing on one leg. It’s obscene,”

Guest post by Ruby Tuesday.

Top 4 People Grammar Freaks Need To Unfriend Right Now

If you’re a lover of the English language, then Facebook could be bad for your health.

A doctor and lifetime sufferer of ‘Grammar Rage’ has warned that grammar and punctuation fans can suffer dangerous levels of stress while scrolling through Facebook.

“While most people might not even notice the apostrophe on a sign that says ‘Pie’s For Sale’, this will send a stickler for grammar into cold shivers and in some cases, a fit of violent rage.

“As much as we try to ignore the fact that some people appear to have allowed their cat to type their Facebook statuses, or have simply sat on the keyboard and jumped up and down, it does register in a very deep part of the brain.

“Daily exposure to this type of dribbling stupidity and derp-happy disregard for the English language can cause long-term health problems related to stress,”

Said Doctor Hemmingway.

“It isn’t just grammar. People taking liberties with basic English, such as inventing their own punctuation or simply omitting it all together can cause similar levels of murderous, deeply internalised rage.

“There is a simple test in this article to see if you are a hard-core grammar fan & potential sufferer of ‘Grammar Rage’. Simply spot the accidental mistakes the writer of this article has probably made, not counting the crass colloquialisms and silly, made up words.

“By far the worst offenders are people that are simply irritating in their own right, like people that whinge all the time or clog up your feed with their nauseous poetry, or pretentious musings on the meaning of their own utterly un-interesting lives. When this is combined with a sort of muck-spreader approach to punctuation, or with text speak, excessive use of emoticons, or loads of ellipses to indicate that they are deep and clever, this causes a build-up of stabby anger that can manifest into all sorts of problems later on down the line.”

Doctor Hemmingway advises sufferers to simply block, or at least hide the posts of the worst offenders. Here’s a guide to avoiding the worst of Facebook:

Haiku Guy (or girl)

 The one that

Types their status

in a sort of

Mournful Poetic

Nonsense Badger

Scrambled eggs Irritating

Haiku style

“These people are simply idiots, and there is no helping them,”

said Doctor Hemmingway. “They are obviously aware on some level that the English language does have rules, but that they are too special to take much notice of them, and have decided to invent their own,”

Left Foot Typist

The person that appears to have typed every status standing on one leg, with their none-dominant big toe.

“Words are made of certain letters, and they go in a certain order. Why some people feel forget this or feel the need to mess with this is beyond most fully-functioning human being’s comprehension.

This goes way beyond not being able to spell very well, and it’s usually easy to spot if somebody is simply dyslexic, because they will try to write something coherent and muddle things up accidentally, which is absolutely fine. The true grammar freak understands this, and respects the person for giving it a bash. What I’m talking about is people that appear to have face-planted the keyboard several times and then added the word ‘lol’ at the end,”

Winnie The Pooh Capitaliser

 When a Status contains randomly Capitalised letters, for absolutely No reason whatsoever.

“When a grammar fiend reads a status like this, they picture the writer typing slowly with one finger, with their tongue sticking out as they deliberately capitalise each individual letter. And it makes them want to punch that person in the face,”

Texters

People that use text speak, when there is a fully functioning keyboard containing all the letters they may need in front of them.

“The English language is constantly changing, and we all use slang and abbreviations sometimes. But Facebook is public, and if you type like a member of the cast of “The Only Way Is Essex” might text their partner after a night of free cocktails, then grammar freaks will be judging you. “We can just about forgive teenagers for writing like idiots, and hope that they will grow out of it. But anyone over the age of 19 is now out of the larval stage, and therefore worthy of our rage,”

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