The Vatican’s chief exorcist has controversially stated that Yoga causes Satan to have bum sex with you.
Father Gabriel Amorth, who has carried out more then 70 000 exorcisms during his 25 years as the Vatican’s chief exorcist said:
“You see, when you practise Yoga, Satan is actually bumming you really hard and slapping your behind and calling you his little love-pumpkin. And all of his imps are sitting around giggling and smoking crack while they watch. Sometimes he even lets them have a go,”
“Yoga is the devil’s work, and whenever you do a yoga pose, you can be sure that Satan is grinding away behind you, and going ‘mmmmm, yeah, you like that don’t you?’ and spitting in your hair,”
Said the elderly priest, brandishing a crucifix and checking behind the curtains for masturbating demons.
“And Harry Potter, that’s evil as well. Satan personally rubs his big red widge on every page and sticks his tongue in your ear the whole time you are reading it,”
He added:
“Don’t come running to me when your head spins around and you start vomiting locusts. I did warn you,”
A spokesman for the worldwide Yoga association said:
“Oh no, not that bloody loony again. Look. We don’t slag off your religion, so leave ours alone, you weird old bigot. Satan does not have sex with you while you are doing yoga. End of,”
“Yes he does!”
Replied Father Amorth. “And then he wipes his knob on your curtains!”
Photograph from The Telegraph
The Beezly Street Gazette 