Vatican Warns ‘Satan Is Bumming You While You Do Yoga’

The Vatican’s chief exorcist has controversially stated that Yoga causes Satan to have bum sex with you.

yoga bumming

Father Gabriel Amorth, who has carried out more then 70 000 exorcisms during his 25 years as the Vatican’s chief exorcist said:

“You see, when you practise Yoga, Satan is actually bumming you really hard and slapping your behind and calling you his little love-pumpkin. And all of his imps are sitting around giggling and smoking crack while they watch. Sometimes he even lets them have a go,”

“Yoga is the devil’s work, and whenever you do a yoga pose, you can be sure that Satan is grinding away behind you, and going ‘mmmmm, yeah, you like that don’t you?’ and spitting in your hair,”

Said the elderly priest, brandishing a crucifix and checking behind the curtains for masturbating demons.

“And Harry Potter, that’s evil as well. Satan personally rubs his big red widge on every page and sticks his tongue in your ear the whole time you are reading it,”

He added:

“Don’t come running to me when your head spins around and you start vomiting locusts. I did warn you,”

A spokesman for the worldwide Yoga association said:

“Oh no, not that bloody loony again. Look. We don’t slag off your religion, so leave ours alone, you weird old bigot. Satan does not have sex with you while you are doing yoga. End of,”

“Yes he does!”

Replied Father Amorth. “And then he wipes his knob on your curtains!”

Photograph from The Telegraph

Controversial New Book Mashup ‘Watership Pooh’

Fans of children’s literature are sharply divided over a new trend towards ‘Mashups’ of popular children’s books.

watership pooh

The fad started on Youtube, where songs are mixed or ‘mashed’ together to create something that sounds sort of cool, but a bit annoying to anyone under the age of 25. Media consultant Marvin Hipster from Shoreditch applied the same concept to classic children’s books, and the idea was an instant hit.

Currently trending on Twitter, the most popular ‘Book Mash’ is ‘Watership Pooh’, a cross between the pant-wettingly dark ‘Watership Down’ and ‘Winnie The Pooh’, the terminally inane tales of an unintelligent bear with an eating disorder.

With characters such as the Black Heffalump of Inle, and featuring Piglet as a gibbering psychic that has terrifying visions of death and destruction, critics say that they might not be suitable for small children. Its creator disagrees, claiming that gifted children are tired of conventional stories.

“I wanted to blend the darkness of the sort of rabbitty Lord Of The Rings, with the lightness and zen-like quality of a bumbling bear just farting around in the woods and eating misspelled bee products,” said Marvin. “My 4 year old son was like, just getting really bored of ordinary stories, so I decided to create one for him. The idea just took off. I’m opening a café called ‘Eat Drink Mash’ in Spitalfields later this year, where people can order books off a menu and have them mashed at the counter,”

Not everyone is a fan of the trend. Jeremy Beard, author of many classic children’s books ranted from his nursing home:

“He’s a twat! You can’t just plonk Winnie The sodding Pooh in the middle of Watership Down. What the hell is that going to even sound like? ‘My heart stopped running today, for my friend got his fat arse stuck in a tree’?”

While Dorothy Mole, head of the Society for Children’s Literature shook her head and just mumbled “Oh for fuck’s sake,”