A campaign has been launched to warn women of the potential dangers of the innocent sounding ‘Pixie Cut’.
A former sufferer of ‘Half Grown Out Pixie Syndrome’ warned of the dangerous buzz of an edgy new hairdo, followed by the terrible comedown of trying to grow the sodding thing out for 12 months if you get fed up of it.
“It’s bloody Emma Watson’s fault!”
Said Laura, a teaching assistant from Clapham.
“I was expecting a sort of cross between Princess Diana and a young Mia Farrow to be blinking back from the mirror like a new-born faun,”
“The magazines make out that it’s going to transform you into a sort of catastrophically alluring super-waif with eyes like a pair of headlamps on a rainy night in Soho. But now I look like me Dad in 1987. Bugger. I blame false advertising and Keira Knightley’s cheekbones,”
Her best friend disagrees, stating that it looks edgy and cool, it’s nice to change it up every once in a while, and ‘it’ll grow back’.
“I think there should be some kind of warning on pixie cuts, as the advertising is very misleading. I really liked it at first, and now I’m fed up with it and stuck with an annoying mullet for the next 8 months, while it grows into a sort of unflattering mushroomy bob that I will also secretly hate,”
Said Laura, pulling her hat down over her ears and grumbling like Lord Voldemort with a hangover.
“I’m a grown-assed woman reduced to wearing a pissing Alice band and stupid clips with flowers on them. Eff my life!”
Hairdressers and style gurus are quick to point out that many women with pixie cuts enjoy the freedom and the edgy style of a sharp crop. Some of the most iconic and inspirational women of modern times have sported short hairstyles.
“But what you’ve got to remember,”
Said a top hairdresser.
“Is that it’s almost impossible to predict whether you are going to strut down the street like Grace Jones for an entire month afterwards because it looks ace and you didn’t realise what a goddamned sexy neck you have. Or whether you’re going to sort of slink along in a stupid headband for the next 12 months, hoping that you don’t bump into your ex with his new girlfriend, because she’s got Kate Middleton hair and you look like you’re wig-sitting for Paul Daniels. There’s just no way to tell whether you’re going scream “Don’t lie! I look like Boris bloody Johnson!” at your friends when they try to tell you it looks nice,”
The campaign, backed by many former pixie cut fans, backs a proposed law that will stamp slogans like “This Looks Great On Carey Mulligan, But You’re Not Carey Mulligan” and “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow, Mullet For 12 Months”.
The Beezly Street Gazette 