Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Patron saint of Ireland Saint Patrick has advised Irish people that aren’t gay to avoid marrying people of the same sex “to prevent any awkwardness and suchlike”.

saint patrick

Speaking in a disembodied voice from a patch of shamrocks near the reputed burial place of the visionary missionary, Saint Patrick advised the population that the referendum mostly wouldn’t affect them at all unless they were gay, in which case it would be “brilliant”.

“There’s a lot of confusion about this issue, and people are worried that it’s the slippery slope to marrying goats, upsetting baby Jesus and floods. But if the people of Ireland take a few sensible precautions, lads that don’t want to marry a fella should be able to avoid any problems with the proposed change in the law. The same goes for girls,”

Said the ghostly voice of the legendary holy man.

“There’s absolutely no need for anyone to get their knickers in a twist. Baby Jesus is fine about it, and just wants everyone to love each other and all that. And let’s face it, it’s a great excuse for a knees-up,”

‘STFU About Leonard Nimoy’s Funeral’ Says God

Dribblingly-mad mouth-pieces of Satan’s hairy backside the Wesboro Baptist Church, have announced plans to picket Leonard Nimoy’s funeral.


In an uncharacteristic break with protocol, the God Above All (not affiliated with any religion) has issued a statement telling them “STFU” for once in their ghastly, ungodly lives.

Notorious for picketing the funerals of fallen soldiers, hate crime victims and celebrities, and for harassing grieving relatives with offensive signs and chants, the small but extremely mouthy organisation have announced plans to picket the funeral of actor Leonard Nimoy.

It is highly unlikely that the church will even turn up, given a history of threatening to picket high-profile events and then chickening out because they will obviously get their heads kicked in, and nobody has time for that, not even homophobic Jesus. Nevertheless, God has issued a statement in Latin, which was burned into a rock in South America earlier today. It simply read:

“Re: Leonard Nimoy’s funeral. WBC, STFU,”

“He stands for everything we hate!”

Said a spokesperson for the church.

“Liking somebody that’s friends with gay people is an abomination! Being an inclusive-minded person that celebrates the joy in life is utterly disgusting! We hate the fag-enabling kindness this creature displayed in his everyday life, and God hates it too,”

“No I bloody well don’t,” said God, in a rare interview. “You’re talking absolute horse-crap as usual. You do know I’m only using you as a tool to bring people together in love instead of hatred don’t you? Most educated five year olds could have worked that one out by now. By all means carry on being loonies, you’re doing a great job. But go anywhere near that funeral, and you’ll have a case of boils so bad your mother won’t be able to look at you,”

Majority Of Women ‘Fine’ With Being A Bitch

It used to be a devastating insult for a woman. But a growing number of women are embracing ‘Being A Bitch’ as a lifestyle.


“This is worrying trend, that shows no signs of slowing down,” said Doctor Tinder. “By 2017, up to 60% of women could identify as bitches, and sales of stupid magazines about how to be thin on a diet of cupcakes and penises will be none existent,”

Up to 80% of so called ‘bitches’ claim that they are just sick and tired of men and their stupid pointless willies.

“I’m just fucking sick of them, to be perfectly honest. Said Sophie Seymour, author of “Aw Fuck It, I Just Can’t Be Sodding Arsed With Being Nice To Men Any More,”

“It’s bloody God that gets me,” said former church goer Valerie Nice.

“Oh God made the world. With his fucking enormous dick, most probably. Blah-dee-fucking blah. Look at my amazing gold-plated dick, I’m going to make dinosaurs appear. Look at me, I just created a mongoose with my amazing dick. Wha wha wha, isn’t football brilliant. Here, have some murder, inequality and death. Have you seen the cricket scores? I’m God I am. Isn’t my dick amazing,”

I’ve been messed about by men pretty much all of my adult life,” added retired hairdresser Maureen Sloppard. “I just can’t be fucking twatted with them any more. If I’ve got a face like a slapped arse, my hair scraped back in a scrunchie I found down the back of the settee, and I don’t care that my backside is the size of a 1980’s Volvo, that’s their fucking lookout, not mine. Sorry I spoiled your day by walking down the bastard street without looking pleasant and harmless. Call Doctor Give A Fuck, because I’m not interested,”

“We told you this would happen!” screeched hysterical Men’s Rights Activists. “I don’t want my children to live in a world where women we don’t know just swan around not giving a shit whether we like them or not, or even bothering to put some lippy on before they go to the shops,”

“Kiss my arse,” said Maureen Sloppard, cutting herself a huge slice of carrot cake and pouring herself a pint mug of wine. “Kiss my big fat bitchy arse,”