The Penny Drops With Lesbians

Lesbians all over the world have had an epiphany, thanks to a Tweet from an unemployed man in Solihull. Social media experts predict that the world could become 70% less lesbian by tomorrow morning, thanks to this revelation.

Some Lesboes, lezzing each other up in a painting.

Some Lesboes, lezzing each other up in a painting.

The Tweet, sent at 4.07 am on Saturday morning to nobody in particular, was spotted by a lesbian IT consultant, who claimed that it sent cold shivers down her spine. She immediately re-tweeted it to her Lesbian hive, and it was read and re-tweeted by millions of clam-tickling scissor-sisters all over the world.

“I was scrolling through Twitter on my ‘phone. I saw this Tweet. I read it. And then I read it again. And it was like lightening going off in my brain. I realised I’d been mistaken my whole life. I’m supposed to be getting married on Wednesday, but now I realise what a sham that would be, and I’ve called it off,”

The Tweet by Barry Snot from Solihull said:

“All yous lesbos why u go out with manly hosebeast when u cld have a real man? WOT A WAIST!!!”

“I went from making a cup of tea, to dripping like a Butlins water slide in five seconds flat after reading that Tweet,”

Said a lesbian from Brighton.

“I’m quite femme I suppose, but my girlfriend isn’t. All along I just thought I was wildly in a love with a woman with short hair that can mix an Old Faithful with her eyes shut, and knows her way around a fanny and a vintage Suzuki. Now I know I was wrong, and I actually fancy men. Can’t believe I’ve been so confused, LOL. Thank you Barry Snot. By the way, are you single?”

Marriage proposals from former lesbians have been pouring in for the laid-off factory manager from Manchester, who has shut his Twitter down in response to the overwhelming barrage of attention. His girlfriend is said to be “fuming”.

Majority Of Women ‘Fine’ With Being A Bitch

It used to be a devastating insult for a woman. But a growing number of women are embracing ‘Being A Bitch’ as a lifestyle.


“This is worrying trend, that shows no signs of slowing down,” said Doctor Tinder. “By 2017, up to 60% of women could identify as bitches, and sales of stupid magazines about how to be thin on a diet of cupcakes and penises will be none existent,”

Up to 80% of so called ‘bitches’ claim that they are just sick and tired of men and their stupid pointless willies.

“I’m just fucking sick of them, to be perfectly honest. Said Sophie Seymour, author of “Aw Fuck It, I Just Can’t Be Sodding Arsed With Being Nice To Men Any More,”

“It’s bloody God that gets me,” said former church goer Valerie Nice.

“Oh God made the world. With his fucking enormous dick, most probably. Blah-dee-fucking blah. Look at my amazing gold-plated dick, I’m going to make dinosaurs appear. Look at me, I just created a mongoose with my amazing dick. Wha wha wha, isn’t football brilliant. Here, have some murder, inequality and death. Have you seen the cricket scores? I’m God I am. Isn’t my dick amazing,”

I’ve been messed about by men pretty much all of my adult life,” added retired hairdresser Maureen Sloppard. “I just can’t be fucking twatted with them any more. If I’ve got a face like a slapped arse, my hair scraped back in a scrunchie I found down the back of the settee, and I don’t care that my backside is the size of a 1980’s Volvo, that’s their fucking lookout, not mine. Sorry I spoiled your day by walking down the bastard street without looking pleasant and harmless. Call Doctor Give A Fuck, because I’m not interested,”

“We told you this would happen!” screeched hysterical Men’s Rights Activists. “I don’t want my children to live in a world where women we don’t know just swan around not giving a shit whether we like them or not, or even bothering to put some lippy on before they go to the shops,”

“Kiss my arse,” said Maureen Sloppard, cutting herself a huge slice of carrot cake and pouring herself a pint mug of wine. “Kiss my big fat bitchy arse,”