Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Patron saint of Ireland Saint Patrick has advised Irish people that aren’t gay to avoid marrying people of the same sex “to prevent any awkwardness and suchlike”.

Speaking in a disembodied voice from a patch of shamrocks near the reputed burial place of the visionary missionary, Saint Patrick advised the population that the referendum mostly wouldn’t affect them at all unless they were gay, in which case it would be “brilliant”.

“There’s a lot of confusion about this issue, and people are worried that it’s the slippery slope to marrying goats, upsetting baby Jesus and floods. But if the people of Ireland take a few sensible precautions, lads that don’t want to marry a fella should be able to avoid any problems with the proposed change in the law. The same goes for girls,”

Said the ghostly voice of the legendary holy man.

“There’s absolutely no need for anyone to get their knickers in a twist. Baby Jesus is fine about it, and just wants everyone to love each other and all that. And let’s face it, it’s a great excuse for a knees-up,”

Iceman ‘Relieved’ To Come Out Of Closet

One of the founding members of X-Men has opened up about his relief at finally being able to come out of the closet. Robert Lewis ‘Bobby’ Drake has spoken about his experiences growing up as both a gay man and a future superhero.

“My father is Catholic and my Mother’s Jewish. It’s not been easy. My friends were always like “Bobby, you’ve got to come out of the fridge some time you know,”

Said the star, speaking to Vanity Fair.

“I’ve dated a few women. Lorna Dane and I are still good friends. But it was hard being so far in the closet that I was practically in Narnia, and it feels good to say yes, I am as gay as a lark. And if you don’t like it, I will turn you into an ice-sculpture and make you the centrepiece of Elton Johns next birthday party,”

When asked about the fan’s reaction to the news, he said that most fans were supportive, and that some fans had even guessed.

“I think lots of people in the industry have probably guessed, but that’s not the same thing as making it official. In an episode of Family Guy, they wrote me going to a gay bar. I thought that sucked a little, as it’s not anyone else’s business to call attention to somebody in that way, unless they’re already being up front about it. But considering what they did to Carol Burnett, I think I got off lightly,”

There has been some criticism from fans that Marvel is ‘turning’ characters gay in an attempt to be more diverse.

“Well, first of all, I’ve actually always been gay. That’s not something I could have stood up and said in the 1960’s. Also, a little diversity is a good thing. I think anybody that wets their pants and gets upset because a fictional character turns out to be gay, probably just needs to grow up a little.

When asked if he was going to feature in a gay lifestyle magazine such as ‘Attitude’, Iceman stated that he wouldn’t rule it out, although as a Superhero, he was a role model, and any shirtless photo shoots would have to be ‘very tastefully done, and the popsicle is staying in the wrapper,”

Gays ‘Steal Souls Of Small Children’ Claims Ukip Leaflet

Leaflets claiming that teaching equality is ‘sexual grooming’ and accusing gays of malevolent witchcraft have been handed out at a spring conference in Margate. The literature claims that gays and lesbians want to steal the souls of unborn babies and primary school children and turn them gay, as part of a ‘recruitment drive’.

Describing how Satan gives gays special powers to remove and interfere with the souls of babies and young children, by recitation of barbaric words and blood rituals involving chickens and goats, the leaflet goes on to state:

Satanic transgender imp Baphomet is said to assist predatory gays with their disgusting rituals.

“These ceremonies often take place in sauna near to the school, or at a private house. A number of animals are sacrificed, after which there is a gay orgy to raise a cone of power above the school. The children’s souls are sucked up into a vortex and sent to hell, where Satan turns them all gay. Then the souls are returned to the children intact, apart from where Satan’s imps might have nibbled on them a bit. The child then begins to develop gay interests, ensuring ‘fresh blood’ for the gay community ten years down the line,”

The leaflet also explains why the LGBT community is hell-bent on turning children gay:

“As such people cannot reproduce, obviously their jealousy and covetousness means that they will attempt to steal the souls of the unborn and the young. By teaching ‘equality’ and acceptance of alternative lifestyles, the government has given gays carte blanche to suck out the souls of developing foetuses, and turn otherwise healthy young pupils into gay children, thus ensuring the destruction of the human race,”

“Primary school age children taunting each other about being gay, and using language like dyke and faggot is a healthy and necessary stage of heterosexual development. This ensures an appropriate level of shame and isolation, which prevents children becoming homosexual later in life, and sometimes leads to the self harm, depression and suicide of young gays and lesbians, which can only have a positive impact on the country as whole,”

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