David Cameron Appoints Katie Hopkins As Minister For Spite

David Cameron has appointed Sun columnist Katie Hopkins as minster for Spite. Her duties will include closing hospital wings, thinking up new sanctions for the Job Centre and wandering around the streets of London kicking busker’s hats over.


An expert on both virulence and malevolence, Hopkins is unusual in having not served as an MP prior to her appointment. It is widely believed that she may have a ‘dossier of dirt’ on one or more members of the cabinet, possibly involving copious quantities of Swarfega and the services of an elderly goat, which the unnamed cabinet member may have drunkenly mistaken for Katie herself.

Prime Minster David Cameron said in a statement.

“It is vital that that the poor, the sick and the disabled are punished. For too long, this country has been headed out of the dark ages. I believe that Katie Hopkins is the woman to lead us into an age of bleak, dribbling backwardness the like of which has not been seen since medieval times. She may be half-goat, half Shakespearian witch and probably a secret Nazi in her spare time, but she is all Tory,”

Dolce & Gabbana Slag Off Elton John’s Dog

Italian fashion duo Dolce & Gabbana recently upset Elton John by suggesting that IVF children were somehow inferior and ‘made of chemicals’.

elton john

Now the wacky pair have turned their attention to Elton’s cocker spaniel Arthur.

“He’s a crap dog! Simply crap!” said Domenico Dolce during an extraordinary rant, during which he accused Arthur of not being able to bury bones properly, and for chasing his tail for hours on end, because he was “too stupid” to realise he was chasing his own behind.

“He would be destroyed at Crufts. He is worthless. People only like him because he is Elton’s dog. If you saw that dog on the street, you would kick it. He is worthless and shit. He should be made into sausages and fed to a superior dog,”

Victoria Beckham took a swipe at the design due on Twitter.

“We is not mates any more. Stop being mean about Arthur he is a nice dog,”

Cocker spaniel Arthur John said:

“This is all extremely distasteful to both purebred and mongrel dogs, and those remarks were thoughtless and weird. They used to be good friends of Elton’s, but I think they’ve been scratched off the Christmas card list now, the silly pair of twats,”

Ukip’s Only Magic Gay Penguin Resigns

The only magic gay penguin in Ukip has spectacularly quit the party.

 penguin 2

Bernard, a magic penguin from the North Pole, who has been in a same sex relationship with another penguin for over fifteen years, stepped down from his position as treasurer for the Blackpool branch of the party yesterday.

“Last night I stepped down as treasurer and gave up my membership of Ukip. I found that I couldn’t convincingly campaign for the party any more. I don’t think they even like penguins to be perfectly honest. I think they were just after my magical powers and general wobbly cuteness to attract other penguins to vote.

Bernard believes that only opposite sex penguins should be allowed to marry.

Bernard believes that only opposite sex penguins should be allowed to marry.

I’m a deeply religious penguin, so I won’t be getting married to my soul mate any time soon, even though penguins do mate for life. God doesn’t like gay penguins getting married, even if he’s cool with civil partnerships,”