Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

A leaked email from Atos to Prime Minster David Cameron describes British foxes as “scrounging little furry gits” and “thieving hippies”, and details plans to put them on a compulsory back to work scheme in the “outdoor entertainment industry”.

fox hunting atos

Foxes will be offered employment in several industries including childcare, retail and ambulance driving. The compulsory hunting scheme will only be enforced if they do not fill in and return the paperwork issued to them in a reasonable amount of time, and attend a Work Capability Assessment at their nearest town or city.

The E-mail concluded by proposing that the scheme could be extended to other wildlife such as the brown hare, which could be offered seasonal posts in supermarkets and cafes, or on a local a dog track. The greater horseshoe bat, currently a protected species in the UK would make an “ideal night watchman or bakery supervisor”, and it was also suggested that hedgehogs could be used to serve cocktail sausages at Tory functions, or risk having their benefits sanctioned and being used as bowling balls by drunken Eton boys on a weekend in the country.

The current law, which protects foxes from both hunting and Atos, was described as “archaic” and “out of touch”.  TV personality Basil Brush reacted to the news by issuing a statement that said:

“Bloody typical, smug, barbaric, bloodthirsty bastards. And that’s swearing. Boom boom!”

Conservatives To Introduce Brand New Blood Sports

new blood sports

The Conservative party has announced plans to introduce brand new blood sports to the UK to counter the perceived elitism of fox hunting. Prime Minister David Cameron said in a press conference:

“We have listened to the people, and what Britain really needs right now is the freedom to get one’s rocks off by torturing animals. That is why we are planning to introduce several new, legal types of blood sports to the UK as soon as possible,”

The sports confirmed so far are cat kicking, stag stabbing, rabbit raping, mole murdering and badger bumming.

The new sports will be completely legal, as long as they are properly organised, participants wear the correct equipment and there’s a bit of a piss up afterwards.

David Cameron ‘Hunting Is Different For Upper Classes’

The British countryside could soon see a return to traditional hunting.

fox hunting

“The Hunting Act has done nothing to help the welfare of the upper classes,”

Said the Prime Minister to all the toffs, writing in the Country Alliance magazine.

Cameron, who has killed loads of foxes by chasing them down on horseback with his posh pals, suggests that hunting is a countryside ‘way of life’, which should not be tampered with, despite the fact that the UK is traditionally a nation of animal lovers, and many people oppose hunting.

“Obviously it’s different when rich people do it,”

Said the Prime Minister.

“Poor people are all violent and murdery. I saw it on the telly. Chasing some poor, wild animal for miles and then letting some dogs rip it to pieces is completely different to illegal dog fighting. Apart from that it’s illegal at the moment. That’s really where the similarity ends. Getting an animal to rip another animal to pieces for the enjoyment of a baying mob, is completely and totally different when the upper classes and people with Swiss bank accounts and several properties abroad do it,”

“It is my firm belief that people should have the right to hunt. Because countryside. And tradition. And stuff. Just because a survey said 80% of the population think it’s a bloody awful thing to do in this day and age, doesn’t mean that it should be banned. For God’s sake, will somebody please think of the upper classes!”

The shadow environment secretary Maria Eagle has stated:

“Only Labour will protect the Hunting Act. Ten years ago the Labour party ended the cruel practice of hunting with dogs, because we believe that causing defenceless animals to suffer in the name of sport has no place in a civilised society,”

“Shut up you stupid cow,”

David Cameron is reported to have said. “It’s only a bloody fox. It’s probably friends with gypsys,”