forum – The Beezly Street Gazette

Ebay Launches Electric Shock App To Settle Disputes

Online auction giants EBay have launched a new app that allows buyers and sellers to zap each other with painful electric shocks.

A seller from Leeds said:

“This is absolutely bloody brilliant. I’m involved in a dispute right now, where a stupid woman that bought a £300 jacket off me for two quid is moaning because the button is loose. If I could zap her in the face with a bolt of electricity instead of answering her moany messages, I’d even pay the postage back,”

Buyers will be able to zap sellers if the garden gnome they ordered looked massive in the picture, but it’s the size of a matchbox when it eventually turns up two weeks late with its nose missing. EBay states that they will only be allowed to use the function if they have read the bloody description properly.

A spokesperson for EBay said:

“Unfortunately, the public can be complete and total morons sometimes, whether they are buyers or sellers. We were thinking of out outsourcing our gargantuan support team to somewhere a bit cheaper, but letting people zap each other instead of complaining to us about it is a far more satisfying and cost effective way of settling disputes,”

“We’ve Got Enough Food Now Thanks’ Say GMO Protesters

The genetic modification of crops has been deemed unnecessary by the government following a report from people that don’t approve of white-coated witchcraft, and claims that everybody now has enough food.

A poster for the movie ‘Return Of The Killer Tomatoes’ – a bleak, dystopian GMO thriller.

“I’m a mother, and I’m happy with the organic selection on offer at my local supermarket,”

Said Linda Smug, an armchair nutritionist from London, who has an O Level in biology and runs an online forum for people that don’t like the idea of GMO food.

“I certainly don’t want to walk into Tesco and see tomatoes dancing around on legs, or bananas gasping for air on the floor, because they’ve been crossed with rainbow trout. We’ve got enough food now, and those companies are just being greedy,”

When it was pointed out that crops have been genetically modified by farmers for thousands of years, producing the oversized fruits and plump grains that we think of as normal today, Linda said:

“Harrumph! But would you eat a burger made from the offspring of a goat and a shark?”

And ran off crying.

Despite climate change playing havoc with ecosystems and crops in many countries, leading to mass starvation, illness and death of millions of people worldwide, protesters insist that GMO crops are part of a government plot to kill millions of people by feeding them food.

Martin Quinoa, who writes for health website Natural News said:

“It’s well known that Monsanto are in bed with Big Pharma, and that they want to wipe most of the population out. Mostly not us though, just people in other countries that can’t afford the latest Apple technology. Anyway, we’ve got more than enough food now, and we don’t want any new types. Everybody should just stop messing about with it,”