Whaaaambulance dispatched For Boycotters Of Mad Max Movie

A big pink ‘Whaaaaaaambulance’ has been dispatched for Cockwombling Bumblecunts the world over, that are acting like One Direction fans on shark week. The outpouring of emotion on social media came in response to the idea of a female oriented ‘Mad Max’ instalment.

Claiming that “girls aren’t allowed in the apocalypse” and that action movies are “boys only, because putting girls or kissing in it is sissy”, some men are claiming that the idea of a woman running around putting bullets in people’s heads and slapping them silly in a fictional situation dreamed up by Hollywood, and in a completely unrealistic way, is unrealistic.

A very huffy man from Manchester, UK blustered:

“This is total nonsense, and clearly Hollywood is only interested in promoting a female agenda. So I don’t think that girls would be any good in an apocalypse. They should be at home, making sandwiches,”

Threats to boycott ‘Mad Max’ screenings are as yet failing to counterbalance the enormous publicity generated on social media by men whining about how oppressed they are, by being treated to a really fit actress running about with a gun in a multi-million dollar movie.

“Cor, that sounds brilliant!” said a movie fan from Milton Keynes.

“I didn’t know about the movie until I saw some bloke moaning about it on Facebook. Charlize Theron’s a cracking actress, and it’s got that fit knicker model in it too. And guns. And it’s had great reviewson Rotten Tomatoes. If the Feminazi agenda means I get to see Rosie Huntington Thingymabob jumping about on a tank, I’m all for it. Where do I sign up?”

Are You Beach Body Ready?

You’ve read the adverts, you’ve seen the infomercials, and now you too can be ‘Beach Body Ready’ with a military issue body bag!

Objectors to the new trend say it’s “morbid” and “creepy” and “restrictive”. But we say going on holiday is about what total strangers think of your ass, rather than enjoying yourself and having fun.

As we all know, beaches are not allowed to be fun unless you look like a fitness model. So volleyball, paddling, swimming and sunbathing are holiday no-nos for you I’m afraid. Somebody might look at your butt, and then where will we be? In hell, that’s where. And it will be all your fault for having an ordinary butt.

Instead of walking about or swimming on the beach in a bikini or swimsuit, you simply zip yourself into the bag and pretend to be a corpse for the duration of your holiday. As you can see from the photo, you won’t miss out on your holiday Pina Colada – simply unzip the bag and quickly take a drink while no-one is looking. You could even get one of those big long bendy straws and feed it through a tiny hole in the zip. Just take care to remain motionless, or somebody might call the paramedics.

This radical new beachwear solves all of your completely out-of-proportion body woes in one wipe-clean swish of a zip, and doubles as a dry cleaning bag when you get home.

Crafty gals can cut slits in the bottom of the bag, so that they can walk about in the dead of night without disturbing anyone’s holiday by not looking like Christy Turlington.

Black is an incredibly slimming colour, and we’re sure you’ll love hiding your awful, terrible, imperfect body away by pretending to be dead during your holiday.

The 100% opaque outer casing of the bag deflects the sun’s harmful UV rays, so there is no need to wear sun lotion. How liberating is that? And you’ll sweat so much inside the plastic bag that you will lose up to ten pounds over the course of a week. Imagine that – going on holiday and coming back a whole ten pounds lighter! You can enjoy all of these benefits and more by simply zipping up and lying down. We bet you’re really looking forward to your week in the sun now.

Five Horrifying Mistakes Women Make While Having Sex

Girls, you’re doing sex ALL WRONG! There are lots of ways that your body is terrifying and disgusting. Follow our 5 step guide to avoid accidently grossing out the man that really likes you and wants to have sex with you.

Farting in his mouth

It’s easy to get carried away during the heat of the moment. But ladies, nice girls don’t hover over their guy while they’re dozing and then fart in his mouth, and then pull the covers over his head and yell “DUTCH OVEN!”

Pretending to be Mr. T from the A-Team

Growling “I ain’t getting on no dick, you crazy fool”, referring to his penis as “Murdoch” and shouting “Quit your jibber-jabber!” whenever he starts to moan is a passion killer, for all but the most ardent A-Team fans.

Getting your Mum to watch

Sure, a sweeping statement like “All guys would like a threesome better than they’d like sex with just you” is a great thing to bear in mind. But even if you really, really love your mum, don’t bring her into the bedroom. That’s just weird.

Not wearing special knickers

Sure, you may both be horny as hell. But take a moment to pop to the store first, ask the assistant what she thinks would turn your boyfriend on, try it on and then take it home with you. You can surprise him by unwrapping them delicately with your teeth. There’s nothing men hate more than girls that literally rip their knickers off by the crotch and throw them against the wall, screaming “Oh my god, I’m gushing like a Butlins water slide, shag me now before I spontaneously combust in a cloud of boiling hot fanny-lava, you effing sexy gorilla of a man”

Treating Cosmo sex tips as anything other than satire

About once a year, Cosmopolitan magazine will tell you to stick your finger, an ice lolly or an unlubricated vintage oboe up a guy’s ass, right in the middle of sex without asking him first. This is just the editor pissing about, and not a real sex tip. How would you like it if he suddenly jabbed his big toe up your jacksie & then whined at you that girls were supposed to like it? Trolling level = Ninja. Don’t try this one at home.

If you’ve run out of kittens on the Internet, and you need more advice to fill up your fluffy little female head, never fear!  Here’s an arbitrary list of 10 Things Girls Over 30 Shouldn’t Wear.

Victoria’s Secret To Show Knickers On Normal Arses

Manufacturers put women wearing knickers on packets of knickers, to prevent women from accidentally putting them on the dog, wearing them on their heads, or attempting to use them as driving gloves.

But posh knicker-models Rosie Huntington-Whitley and Lara Stone could soon be out of a job, after a women on Facebook asked lingerie brand Victoria’s Secret, for pictures of their knickers on just a normal, nice arse.

“Oh yeah, we never thought of that,”

Said Victoria’s Secret.

“We’ll look into putting them on some normal-sized arses, like some great big ones that are still smokin’, and some smaller peachy, dimply ones, and ones that wobble a bit, so that you can imagine what they will look like on your own arse, instead of seeing them stretched over the perfectly spherical, cellulite-free globes of an 18 year old former gymnast. Which most of our customers aren’t. What a fantastic idea,”

Another Facebooker pointed out that putting a pair of control pants on a model that wouldn’t need control pants, even after being trapped in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory on shark week, doesn’t really help to show what they look like.

“Another great point, well made,”

Said the famous knicker-makers.

“We can totally see how putting control pants on somebody that doesn’t need to wear control pants, and then Photoshopping the crap out of them, so that they look like a bathing costume for a worm isn’t very helpful. We’ll put that right immediately,”

10 Things Girls Over 30 Should Never Wear

If you’re pushing 30, then you need to arbitrarily stop wearing certain things. You’re running out of time, your ovaries are shriveling up and let’s face it, you’re getting old. There is nothing more disgusting than a wrinkly old lady in a mink bikini, which is what you’ll be if you carry on dressing like a young strumpet.

Here’s a list of ten garments to swerve after your 30th birthday:

A bikini made from ham

Sure Lady Gaga looked hot in that meat dress. But she’s only like 22, so don’t make the mistake of thinking you can do the same. Your aging breasts need proper support, and nobody wants to see your lady garden, which is probably all bent out of shape and resembles a kebab that’s been dropped on the floor and stepped on by now. So don’t go draping your bits & bobs in wafer-thin ham after the big 3-0, because you’ll just be mutton dressed as ham, and all you’ll attract is flies and cats.  That’s how old ladies end up dying alone and being eaten by cats.  You have been warned.

Shoes that make you walk like you’ve been bummed by Robocop

If you’re 25 and you wear a pair of ‘Follow Me Home & Shag Me’ shoes that make you walk like a giraffe in a room full of marbles, all you’ll get is “DAMN! Dat ass though,” from guys.

But girls, if you’re over 30 and you try this trick, you might as well be walking around shouting “I’m Dorian from Birds Of A Feather! Somebody please sleep with me, I’ve got a disease!” and your children will want to put themselves up for adoption.

A Nazi uniform

This is another big no-no for girls over 30. If you’re young, hot and blonde, everyone will just think you’re being ironically Aryan. But older women should steer clear of trying to copy the style of fascist regimes, historical or otherwise.

A baby-gro and a bottle of milk

Oh come on you sad old tart. Did you really think you were fooling anyone into thinking you’re 18 months old? It doesn’t matter how much you lie around gurgling and laughing at the sky, we all know you’re over the hill.

A strap-on, chainsaw dildo

If you’re not 29 any more, then you should give potentially lethal, wearable sex toys a big miss. Your eyesight isn’t what it was, and your hormones are probably playing up by now. If you’re tired and emotional after a hard day at the office, you might accidentally decapitate somebody. Try a pair of Spanx instead.

Live cats

Wearing any kind of live animal as a fashion accessory is tricky, but attaching multiple cats to your skin as a kind of live fur coat is risky for the over-30’s. Too many cats and you’ll look more crazy cat-lady than sex kitten. Not enough cats and you’ll be exposing too much of your crepey, disgusting old flesh. Leave this to the twenty-something chicks.

Crocs

Absolutely nobody should wear these anyway, even if you’re a 19 year old supermodel that lives on acai juice.

Racist fancy dress costumes

Fancy dressing up as an Indian squaw this Halloween? Our survey says HELL NO. You’re simply not cute enough to get away with locking yourself in the bathroom and crying, when somebody points out that it’s actually quite racist. Nobody will have any sympathy for you. Try an old hag costume instead, and make sure the skirt touches the floor.

A tattoo of your own arse, on your face

You may think you’re very clever getting a tattoo in your 20’s. But you’ve ruined yourself for life, and made your skin less valuable to the kind of man that thinks about his girlfriend’s skin as a sort of commodity that can be devalued, which is pretty creepy but anyhoo. If you’ve got a tattoo of your own butt on any part of your face or neck, you need to get that shit lazered on your 30th birthday.

A hat that’s on fire

If you wanted to copy Arthur ‘Crazy’ Brown and set your hat on fire, then you should have put it on your bucket list in your twenties. It’s too late now. Your skin isn’t what it was, and if it all goes wrong then you won’t take to skin grafts as well as a 21 year old. Try a balaclava instead, you wrinkly old whorebag.

The horror!  If you need more advice off the Internet to fill up your fluffy little female mind, read 5 Horrifying Mistakes Women Make While Having Sex!

Selfish Career Woman Turns Into Plate Of Lime Jelly

A former businesswoman has turned into an actual plate of lime-flavoured jelly, in the shape of a pair of wobbling breasts, after she tried to meet the demands of her career and her baby at the same time, the Daily Mail has reported.

Linda Smith, 31 from Devon turned into a plate of jelly after following some conflicting advice she read on the Daily Mail website.

Linda Smith in her current form as a pair of lime-flavoured jelly breasts.

After selfishly trying to run her business, as well as selfishly having a baby, her first after 15 fertile years of selfishly not having a baby, but relieved that she managed to avoid teenage pregnancy, Linda admitted she felt “exhausted and inadequate”.

“I was quite proud of running a business and looking after my baby at the same time, even though we’re both very tired & it’s hard sometimes. But now I realise I was wrong, and the stress has turned me into plate of lime jelly. I’m a terrible person and I’m going to hell,”

“I wish I’d looked at the Mail Online sooner, because then I would have realised what an awful, selfish idiot I am, and how I’m doing absolutely everything wrong. I’m turning my baby into a serial killer by leaving him with my sister 3 days a week. He’ll probably be gay because I bottle feed him when he’s at work with me. My roots are showing, I haven’t got any lippy on, my armpits haven’t been moisturised in weeks, and I bet my husband’s having an affair. I wouldn’t blame him, to be honest,”

Now that Linda is a plate of lime-flavoured, none-vegan jelly pair of breasts wobbling about on a plate in her parents fridge, she wants to warn other women about the dangers of having a baby, not having a baby, having a baby too early, and leaving it too late to have a baby.

“Basically, you’re a selfish, awful woman, or at best misguided, whatever you decide to do. Even not having a baby is fraught with danger and probably really selfish. Your best bet is to become a nun really, because then you’re automatically exempt from having a usable vagina and doing the wrong thing with it,”

Daily Mail Under Impression That Lara Stone Is ‘Forlorn’

After splitting with comedian David Walliams, the imposing 6 footer and wildly successful model went to the shop in spiky leather ankle boots in the rain, and her hair got blown about a bit.

Lara “kept her head down,” said the Daily Mail, above a picture of a clear picture of the model with her head up.

Experts believe that not putting any lippy on and not being pictured at a swanky nightclub standing next to a none-famous bloke or “mystery man” may have caused the confusion.

“I’ve never seen somebody that tall, in spiky leather boots and a designer coat that would make most people look like a hippo, look frankly less ‘forlorn’,”

Said a first-time reader of the Daily Mail.

“Do they just make it all up as they’re going along? Is there like a list of words from Victorian romance novels that you have to use when somebody splits up with their husband? Maybe the writer mixed her up with the dog, as he looks a bit wet and forlorn, and he’s got his head down,”

Meanwhile, ex husband David was “all smiles” as he went about his job, which involves making people laugh and being friendly to them, because he is a famous comedian.

The Mail then urged readers to copy Lara’s “Forlorn” and whimsical outfit, consisting of a badass dress, leggings and spiked leather boots.

Photo credit: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2982270/Lara-Stone-cuts-forlorn-figure-sighting-splitting-husband-David-Walliams.html

UKIP Leaflets Feature Topless Katie Hopkins

UKIP has hired acidic TV rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins to help with a new PR campaign, designed to appeal to women.

The posters and leaflets featuring a smiling, braless Hopkins dressed in a cheeky, topless SS uniform-style dress, designed by scowling, spoon-headed, half-starved sartorial ghoul Victoria Beckham, will feature catchy slogans such as “Katie Backs Britain” and “Muslims Don’t Have Souls And They Should All Just Fuck Off Home,”

UKIP’s head of PR Matthew Richardson explained the unusual step in a press conference on Monday.

“Basically, we’ve tried everything and people still think we’re a bunch of nasty old bigots and a bit of a joke. So we’ve decided to play to our strengths, which means reaching out to the man and woman on the street. We can’t expect women to understand the same propaganda that we use on men, because it’s got numbers in it and stuff. But old Katie’s a good-looking gal and a bit of a laugh, and she speaks her mind. We’re very pleased to have her on board,”

Hopkins was unavailable for comment, as she was taking part in a Satanic, kitten-slaughtering ritual followed by a wife-swapping orgy with showbiz pals Richard and Judy Maidley.

Photo credit: www.huffingtonpost.co.uk

David Cameron ‘Technically Not A C***’ Claims Leading Academic

Calling Prime Minister David Cameron an extremely rude word for a lady’s personal area on Twitter has been a national pastime for the last 5 Years.

 

But a leading academic has pointed out that Cameron lacks both the depth and the warmth to accurately be described as a c****.

“Of course, the dissimilarity doesn’t end there. There are lots of occasions where you would be delighted to see a real life c****, which isn’t the case with David Cameron.

“Many men and some ladies rather like c****s, and even people that aren’t overly fond of them definitely appreciate their usefulness. Which is again, something you can’t really say about the Prime Minister.

He then suggested re-claiming the word c***, as it was starting to “become ruined” by being associated with David Cameron.

“How about we all start calling him a ‘shape-shifting horse-f*****’, like somebody recently did on Twitter?”

Gays ‘Steal Souls Of Small Children’ Claims Ukip Leaflet

Leaflets claiming that teaching equality is ‘sexual grooming’ and accusing gays of malevolent witchcraft have been handed out at a spring conference in Margate. The literature claims that gays and lesbians want to steal the souls of unborn babies and primary school children and turn them gay, as part of a ‘recruitment drive’.

Describing how Satan gives gays special powers to remove and interfere with the souls of babies and young children, by recitation of barbaric words and blood rituals involving chickens and goats, the leaflet goes on to state:

Satanic transgender imp Baphomet is said to assist predatory gays with their disgusting rituals.

“These ceremonies often take place in sauna near to the school, or at a private house. A number of animals are sacrificed, after which there is a gay orgy to raise a cone of power above the school. The children’s souls are sucked up into a vortex and sent to hell, where Satan turns them all gay. Then the souls are returned to the children intact, apart from where Satan’s imps might have nibbled on them a bit. The child then begins to develop gay interests, ensuring ‘fresh blood’ for the gay community ten years down the line,”

The leaflet also explains why the LGBT community is hell-bent on turning children gay:

“As such people cannot reproduce, obviously their jealousy and covetousness means that they will attempt to steal the souls of the unborn and the young. By teaching ‘equality’ and acceptance of alternative lifestyles, the government has given gays carte blanche to suck out the souls of developing foetuses, and turn otherwise healthy young pupils into gay children, thus ensuring the destruction of the human race,”

“Primary school age children taunting each other about being gay, and using language like dyke and faggot is a healthy and necessary stage of heterosexual development. This ensures an appropriate level of shame and isolation, which prevents children becoming homosexual later in life, and sometimes leads to the self harm, depression and suicide of young gays and lesbians, which can only have a positive impact on the country as whole,”

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