Five Horrifying Mistakes Women Make While Having Sex

Girls, you’re doing sex ALL WRONG! There are lots of ways that your body is terrifying and disgusting. Follow our 5 step guide to avoid accidently grossing out the man that really likes you and wants to have sex with you.

sex tips for girls

Farting in his mouth

It’s easy to get carried away during the heat of the moment. But ladies, nice girls don’t hover over their guy while they’re dozing and then fart in his mouth, and then pull the covers over his head and yell “DUTCH OVEN!”

Pretending to be Mr. T from the A-Team

Growling “I ain’t getting on no dick, you crazy fool”, referring to his penis as “Murdoch” and shouting “Quit your jibber-jabber!” whenever he starts to moan is a passion killer, for all but the most ardent A-Team fans.

Getting your Mum to watch

Sure, a sweeping statement like “All guys would like a threesome better than they’d like sex with just you” is a great thing to bear in mind. But even if you really, really love your mum, don’t bring her into the bedroom. That’s just weird.

Not wearing special knickers

Sure, you may both be horny as hell. But take a moment to pop to the store first, ask the assistant what she thinks would turn your boyfriend on, try it on and then take it home with you. You can surprise him by unwrapping them delicately with your teeth. There’s nothing men hate more than girls that literally rip their knickers off by the crotch and throw them against the wall, screaming “Oh my god, I’m gushing like a Butlins water slide, shag me now before I spontaneously combust in a cloud of boiling hot fanny-lava, you effing sexy gorilla of a man”

Treating Cosmo sex tips as anything other than satire

About once a year, Cosmopolitan magazine will tell you to stick your finger, an ice lolly or an unlubricated vintage oboe up a guy’s ass, right in the middle of sex without asking him first. This is just the editor pissing about, and not a real sex tip. How would you like it if he suddenly jabbed his big toe up your jacksie & then whined at you that girls were supposed to like it? Trolling level = Ninja. Don’t try this one at home.

If you’ve run out of kittens on the Internet, and you need more advice to fill up your fluffy little female head, never fear!  Here’s an arbitrary list of 10 Things Girls Over 30 Shouldn’t Wear.

10 Things Girls Over 30 Should Never Wear

If you’re pushing 30, then you need to arbitrarily stop wearing certain things. You’re running out of time, your ovaries are shriveling up and let’s face it, you’re getting old. There is nothing more disgusting than a wrinkly old lady in a mink bikini, which is what you’ll be if you carry on dressing like a young strumpet.

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Here’s a list of ten garments to swerve after your 30th birthday:

A bikini made from ham

Sure Lady Gaga looked hot in that meat dress. But she’s only like 22, so don’t make the mistake of thinking you can do the same. Your aging breasts need proper support, and nobody wants to see your lady garden, which is probably all bent out of shape and resembles a kebab that’s been dropped on the floor and stepped on by now. So don’t go draping your bits & bobs in wafer-thin ham after the big 3-0, because you’ll just be mutton dressed as ham, and all you’ll attract is flies and cats.  That’s how old ladies end up dying alone and being eaten by cats.  You have been warned.

Shoes that make you walk like you’ve been bummed by Robocop

If you’re 25 and you wear a pair of ‘Follow Me Home & Shag Me’ shoes that make you walk like a giraffe in a room full of marbles, all you’ll get is “DAMN! Dat ass though,” from guys.

But girls, if you’re over 30 and you try this trick, you might as well be walking around shouting “I’m Dorian from Birds Of A Feather! Somebody please sleep with me, I’ve got a disease!” and your children will want to put themselves up for adoption.

A Nazi uniform

This is another big no-no for girls over 30. If you’re young, hot and blonde, everyone will just think you’re being ironically Aryan. But older women should steer clear of trying to copy the style of fascist regimes, historical or otherwise.

A baby-gro and a bottle of milk

Oh come on you sad old tart. Did you really think you were fooling anyone into thinking you’re 18 months old? It doesn’t matter how much you lie around gurgling and laughing at the sky, we all know you’re over the hill.

A strap-on, chainsaw dildo

If you’re not 29 any more, then you should give potentially lethal, wearable sex toys a big miss. Your eyesight isn’t what it was, and your hormones are probably playing up by now. If you’re tired and emotional after a hard day at the office, you might accidentally decapitate somebody. Try a pair of Spanx instead.

Live cats

Wearing any kind of live animal as a fashion accessory is tricky, but attaching multiple cats to your skin as a kind of live fur coat is risky for the over-30’s. Too many cats and you’ll look more crazy cat-lady than sex kitten. Not enough cats and you’ll be exposing too much of your crepey, disgusting old flesh. Leave this to the twenty-something chicks.

Crocs

Absolutely nobody should wear these anyway, even if you’re a 19 year old supermodel that lives on acai juice.

Racist fancy dress costumes

Fancy dressing up as an Indian squaw this Halloween? Our survey says HELL NO. You’re simply not cute enough to get away with locking yourself in the bathroom and crying, when somebody points out that it’s actually quite racist. Nobody will have any sympathy for you. Try an old hag costume instead, and make sure the skirt touches the floor.

A tattoo of your own arse, on your face

You may think you’re very clever getting a tattoo in your 20’s. But you’ve ruined yourself for life, and made your skin less valuable to the kind of man that thinks about his girlfriend’s skin as a sort of commodity that can be devalued, which is pretty creepy but anyhoo. If you’ve got a tattoo of your own butt on any part of your face or neck, you need to get that shit lazered on your 30th birthday.

A hat that’s on fire

If you wanted to copy Arthur ‘Crazy’ Brown and set your hat on fire, then you should have put it on your bucket list in your twenties. It’s too late now. Your skin isn’t what it was, and if it all goes wrong then you won’t take to skin grafts as well as a 21 year old. Try a balaclava instead, you wrinkly old whorebag.

The horror!  If you need more advice off the Internet to fill up your fluffy little female mind, read 5 Horrifying Mistakes Women Make While Having Sex!

Majority Of Women ‘Fine’ With Being A Bitch

It used to be a devastating insult for a woman. But a growing number of women are embracing ‘Being A Bitch’ as a lifestyle.

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“This is worrying trend, that shows no signs of slowing down,” said Doctor Tinder. “By 2017, up to 60% of women could identify as bitches, and sales of stupid magazines about how to be thin on a diet of cupcakes and penises will be none existent,”

Up to 80% of so called ‘bitches’ claim that they are just sick and tired of men and their stupid pointless willies.

“I’m just fucking sick of them, to be perfectly honest. Said Sophie Seymour, author of “Aw Fuck It, I Just Can’t Be Sodding Arsed With Being Nice To Men Any More,”

“It’s bloody God that gets me,” said former church goer Valerie Nice.

“Oh God made the world. With his fucking enormous dick, most probably. Blah-dee-fucking blah. Look at my amazing gold-plated dick, I’m going to make dinosaurs appear. Look at me, I just created a mongoose with my amazing dick. Wha wha wha, isn’t football brilliant. Here, have some murder, inequality and death. Have you seen the cricket scores? I’m God I am. Isn’t my dick amazing,”

I’ve been messed about by men pretty much all of my adult life,” added retired hairdresser Maureen Sloppard. “I just can’t be fucking twatted with them any more. If I’ve got a face like a slapped arse, my hair scraped back in a scrunchie I found down the back of the settee, and I don’t care that my backside is the size of a 1980’s Volvo, that’s their fucking lookout, not mine. Sorry I spoiled your day by walking down the bastard street without looking pleasant and harmless. Call Doctor Give A Fuck, because I’m not interested,”

“We told you this would happen!” screeched hysterical Men’s Rights Activists. “I don’t want my children to live in a world where women we don’t know just swan around not giving a shit whether we like them or not, or even bothering to put some lippy on before they go to the shops,”

“Kiss my arse,” said Maureen Sloppard, cutting herself a huge slice of carrot cake and pouring herself a pint mug of wine. “Kiss my big fat bitchy arse,”