Women’s Shoes ‘50% More Stupid’ Than Last Year

A new study on women’s shoe trends has confirmed that fashionable new shoes are up to 30% more ridiculous, 48% less practical and at least 50% more stupid than this time last year.

A spokesperson for the Society For Stupid Shoes said:

“We’ve seen fashions come and go. But 2015 has been a bumper year for utterly ridiculous clod-hoppers that women can barely walk in. They’re even more ugly and wanky than we ever thought possible. If this trend continues, we’ll all be walking about with live trout on our feet, or wearing shoes in the shape of London busses, with little exhaust pipes pumping out smoke on the back,”

Shoe designer Manolo Blahnik recently unveiled a collection made from cabbage-leaves decorated with live snails with gilded shells that slowly eat the shoe from around your foot. Topshop plans to rip them off immediately, and it is expected that they will ‘walk off the shelves’, according to a head buyer.

“Women today are regularly wearing shoes so baffling, that they make Lady Gaga look like Nora Batty. We don’t fully understand the reasons for this, but we’re glad that people think really ugly, stupid shoes are brilliant,”

Victoria’s Secret To Show Knickers On Normal Arses

Manufacturers put women wearing knickers on packets of knickers, to prevent women from accidentally putting them on the dog, wearing them on their heads, or attempting to use them as driving gloves.

But posh knicker-models Rosie Huntington-Whitley and Lara Stone could soon be out of a job, after a women on Facebook asked lingerie brand Victoria’s Secret, for pictures of their knickers on just a normal, nice arse.

“Oh yeah, we never thought of that,”

Said Victoria’s Secret.

“We’ll look into putting them on some normal-sized arses, like some great big ones that are still smokin’, and some smaller peachy, dimply ones, and ones that wobble a bit, so that you can imagine what they will look like on your own arse, instead of seeing them stretched over the perfectly spherical, cellulite-free globes of an 18 year old former gymnast. Which most of our customers aren’t. What a fantastic idea,”

Another Facebooker pointed out that putting a pair of control pants on a model that wouldn’t need control pants, even after being trapped in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory on shark week, doesn’t really help to show what they look like.

“Another great point, well made,”

Said the famous knicker-makers.

“We can totally see how putting control pants on somebody that doesn’t need to wear control pants, and then Photoshopping the crap out of them, so that they look like a bathing costume for a worm isn’t very helpful. We’ll put that right immediately,”

Antonio Banderas To Study Being A Hipster

Hollywood star Antonio Banderas has revealed that he wants to be a London hipster, and hang around Camden nightclubs with a bored expression and an ironic hairdo.

The 54 year old star revealed plans to study fashion at Saint Martin’s college of art on the TV ‘Loose Women’.

An ex-graduate of Saint Martins, that now works in Laura Ashley as an interior designer explained exactly what this means.

“OMG it’s like the best time of your life. You get to say you’re at Saint Martins, which is kind of like being a rock star. As in, you feel like a rock star. Nobody else really cares, until you get to the second year, and then you’re like a rock star to the freshers, because you’ve perfected your sneer and bored expression. You get a certain haircut, whatever’s trendy that year, and then you laugh at people with the wrong haircuts in night clubs, or when you go to sneer at up & coming bands in the Camden area. Sometimes we used to walk through Shoreditch market in a group, all wearing skinny trousers and shades, and just sneering at everything because it was all so last year and like, shitty. It is just the best, and I can’t recommend it enough,”

It is likely that Antonio Banderas will grow a kind of impractical, floppy hairdo, or get extensions in time for the start of term. He will also have to learn how to exist on a diet of caffeine and ironic street food, so as to fit into his size 26 Topman jeans.

Our Hipster insider said:

“You can’t just eat normally when you’re at Saint Martins. Everything has to be bought from street vendors, whether they’re selling burgers and chips, or it’s an expensive pop up smoothie and sushi bar. You can’t be seen dead in Waitrose or Lidl, that’s like Hipster Death. Hipsters rarely cook, and when they do, they like, totally Instagram it,”

10 Things Girls Over 30 Should Never Wear

If you’re pushing 30, then you need to arbitrarily stop wearing certain things. You’re running out of time, your ovaries are shriveling up and let’s face it, you’re getting old. There is nothing more disgusting than a wrinkly old lady in a mink bikini, which is what you’ll be if you carry on dressing like a young strumpet.

Here’s a list of ten garments to swerve after your 30th birthday:

A bikini made from ham

Sure Lady Gaga looked hot in that meat dress. But she’s only like 22, so don’t make the mistake of thinking you can do the same. Your aging breasts need proper support, and nobody wants to see your lady garden, which is probably all bent out of shape and resembles a kebab that’s been dropped on the floor and stepped on by now. So don’t go draping your bits & bobs in wafer-thin ham after the big 3-0, because you’ll just be mutton dressed as ham, and all you’ll attract is flies and cats.  That’s how old ladies end up dying alone and being eaten by cats.  You have been warned.

Shoes that make you walk like you’ve been bummed by Robocop

If you’re 25 and you wear a pair of ‘Follow Me Home & Shag Me’ shoes that make you walk like a giraffe in a room full of marbles, all you’ll get is “DAMN! Dat ass though,” from guys.

But girls, if you’re over 30 and you try this trick, you might as well be walking around shouting “I’m Dorian from Birds Of A Feather! Somebody please sleep with me, I’ve got a disease!” and your children will want to put themselves up for adoption.

A Nazi uniform

This is another big no-no for girls over 30. If you’re young, hot and blonde, everyone will just think you’re being ironically Aryan. But older women should steer clear of trying to copy the style of fascist regimes, historical or otherwise.

A baby-gro and a bottle of milk

Oh come on you sad old tart. Did you really think you were fooling anyone into thinking you’re 18 months old? It doesn’t matter how much you lie around gurgling and laughing at the sky, we all know you’re over the hill.

A strap-on, chainsaw dildo

If you’re not 29 any more, then you should give potentially lethal, wearable sex toys a big miss. Your eyesight isn’t what it was, and your hormones are probably playing up by now. If you’re tired and emotional after a hard day at the office, you might accidentally decapitate somebody. Try a pair of Spanx instead.

Live cats

Wearing any kind of live animal as a fashion accessory is tricky, but attaching multiple cats to your skin as a kind of live fur coat is risky for the over-30’s. Too many cats and you’ll look more crazy cat-lady than sex kitten. Not enough cats and you’ll be exposing too much of your crepey, disgusting old flesh. Leave this to the twenty-something chicks.

Crocs

Absolutely nobody should wear these anyway, even if you’re a 19 year old supermodel that lives on acai juice.

Racist fancy dress costumes

Fancy dressing up as an Indian squaw this Halloween? Our survey says HELL NO. You’re simply not cute enough to get away with locking yourself in the bathroom and crying, when somebody points out that it’s actually quite racist. Nobody will have any sympathy for you. Try an old hag costume instead, and make sure the skirt touches the floor.

A tattoo of your own arse, on your face

You may think you’re very clever getting a tattoo in your 20’s. But you’ve ruined yourself for life, and made your skin less valuable to the kind of man that thinks about his girlfriend’s skin as a sort of commodity that can be devalued, which is pretty creepy but anyhoo. If you’ve got a tattoo of your own butt on any part of your face or neck, you need to get that shit lazered on your 30th birthday.

A hat that’s on fire

If you wanted to copy Arthur ‘Crazy’ Brown and set your hat on fire, then you should have put it on your bucket list in your twenties. It’s too late now. Your skin isn’t what it was, and if it all goes wrong then you won’t take to skin grafts as well as a 21 year old. Try a balaclava instead, you wrinkly old whorebag.

The horror!  If you need more advice off the Internet to fill up your fluffy little female mind, read 5 Horrifying Mistakes Women Make While Having Sex!

Kelly Osbourne To Just F*** Off Altogether

The talentless daughter of incoherent rock star Ozzy Osbourne, has quit a high profile fashion show job talking about clothes. This is the eleventy-billionth showbiz job that Kelly Osbourne has been completely mediocre at. It is rumoured that the reality show celebrity may now just fuck off altogether, and stop appearing on our screens with different coloured hair every 3 months, for literally no reason whatsoever.

“There’s absolutely no point to Kelly Osbourne,” said Melissa Rivers, daughter of the late comedian Joan Rivers. “Apart from of the fact that she’s so damned wooden, common and unlikable, she made my mother look like Julie fucking Andrews,”

Rumours that the star may just fuck off and stop being on the TV all the time dressed like a blind person are unconfirmed at the moment. But an industry insider said:

“Maybe she will just finally fuck off this time, and stop pretending to be a TV presenter, an actress, a DJ or whatever the fuck else she just fancies doing right at that moment in time, because she has a famous father and lots of money. We can but hope,”

Photographer Terry Richardson To Be Neutered

Bafflingly popular photographer Terry Richardson is to be surgically neutered, said a spokesperson for the Fashion Council today.

In a statement made to the press, the spokesperson said:

“After reviewing the evidence and testimonials, the decision has been taken to send him to the vets and get him done. He should be up and about in a few weeks, but his disgusting old penis won’t be,”

“This is fantastic news,” said one 21 year old model, who wished to remain anonymous. “We’re all very tired of ‘Uncle Terry’ and his horrible old willy. He’s like some disgusting geography teacher with a camera. I say lop it all off and mount it on a spike at the Tower of London,”

“Can we have his thumbs chopped off as well?” said another industry insider.

“That would have the duel benefit of him not being able to even hold a camera, and stop him from putting his smelly thumb in people’s mouths when they don’t want him to. Then we can all get some peace from the lecherous old fart,”

“Why not just hack both his bloody hands off instead?” said a former model agent’s assistant, that witnessed several shoots as a young P.A.

“Then he won’t be able to just start jacking off in the middle of a shoot, like one of those filthy monkeys from the zoo,”

The spokesperson replied to the suggestions, stating that they weren’t considering surgically removing both of his hands and feeding them to a crocodile at the moment, but that they would definitely bear this feedback in mind for the future.

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