Brighton Gays ‘Too Aggressive’ For EDL

The English Defence League have announced plans to shift their annual march through the town of Brighton to Blackpool, because they keep getting the shit kicked out of them by pissed-off Brightonians, including built-like-a-1920’s-shithouse gay guys, and super pissed-off lesbians.


Brighton has been a favourite venue for EDL marches in the past, because of its liberal and tolerant attitude, police that understand how to deal with idiots, and because it’s pretty middle-class, and it’s unlikely anyone’s going to get incinerated with a home-made petrol bomb for a giggle. Notorious pussises the EDL are so unpopular and hated, they need police protection whenever they march, and have been chased out of several cities by ordinary members of the public.

“I don’t get it. Muslamics want to execute all gays. I don’t understand why queers keep punching us in the face,”

Said a protester.

But even with heavy police protection including steel barriers, police officers on horseback and riot gear, it has become impossible to prevent drunken EDL march participants from being punched in the gob on the streets of Brighton, usually known for its extremely tolerant attitude.

“We’re moving the march to Blackpool this year. I’ve heard that people are much more bigoted and set in their ways up north, and might not throw human excrement at us. I’ve heard they burn gays at the stake up north, so we might not get beaten up this time,”

Said the protester, picking the lint from his balaclava.

“I’ve worn this on every march, and every time I’ve been kicked in the ghoolies by an angry lesbian. You would have thought these people would have learned by now that we just want to preserve our precious way of life. I’m hoping this is the year that my gonads go unscathed,”

Britain First Terrified Of Metric System Changeover

EU bureaucrats have ordered Britain’s rail network to go metric, prompting fears that the UK could soon be under Sharia law.

tape measure

The change-over, expected to cause minutes of confusion as engineers and train drivers go “Oh yeah, hang on a minute, it’s all metric now innit. Bloody EU,” sparked a heated debate and call to action on the Facebook page of comedy Nazi keyboard warriors Britain First. The ‘Silent Majority’ have been extremely vocal about their concerns.

“It’s political correctness gone mad!!!!” said user Michael ‘Lovepump’ Pumpkin from Nottingham.

Facebook user Chris Soup said:

“It’s obviously a false flag operation designed to bring the country to a standstill. Let’s all nail a piece of bacon to the door of our local railway station. That’ll learn’em,”

“A sausage up the exhaust pipe would be better! See how they like having their transport disrupted,” added Linda Thick of Bainbridge, Surrey.

“This is OUR country and OUR out-dated, completely nonsensical measurement system. If extremists don’t like it they can just FUCK OFF!” said retired schoolteacher David Bummer, who later added “They’ll have us all measuring distances in severed heads instead of feet and inches. And then probably make us eat the heads!”