BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Matisse, the dog at the centre of the Britain’s Got Talent scandal has vowed to attend rehab, following accusations of cheating on the show.


“I need to address the issues I have with sausages” said Matisse in a press conference held earlier today.

It started off as a bit of fun, but my obsession with sausages has taken over my life. I will hold my paws up and admit that I got my mate Chase to walk the tightrope in the finale. I’m ashamed to say that I nipped backstage to scoff a Cumberland ring. This has gotten out of hand,”

Owner Julie O’Dwyer said that she was originally planning a fantasy sequence called ‘Indiana Bones and the Temple of Groom’ featuring an ancient Aztec grooming parlour and a giant rolly ball thing. But Matisse insisted on a storyline involving illegal sausage taking for the final leg of the show.

“I never expected the Pupparatzi to react like this. This is some woof justice, but there’s no way Matisse is going to bow wowt of the show with her tail between her legs. She was in the lead from the start, and this is just a pawful reaction,”

Everybody In Entire World Sick Of Hearing About That Dress

Everybody in the entire world is fed up to the arse of hearing about the dress that changes colour, it has been reported.

"Say Blue Dress again,"

“Say Blue Dress again,”

An anthropologist studying an indigenous, largely uncontacted tribe in Papua New Guinea has indicated that isolated, hunter-gatherer tribes are also ‘sick to the arse’ of the colour changing dress.

“Obviously these people are not connected to any sort of virtual social network, living as they do in a largely primitive hunting society. Nevertheless, they too are all sick and tired of hearing about the damned dress,”

Said the anthropologist, running away from the angry tribes people as fast as he could and shouting “Sorry! I won’t mention it again!”

Vapid media mouthpiece Doctor Linda Wigglesworth, who has a PhD in stating the blindingly bleeding buggeringly obvious said:

“When it first appeared on our feeds it was new and exciting, and kinda spooky. But I think we’re all a little tired of it now,”

The astronauts aboard the International Space Station gave a statement earlier today that said: “Look, we’re orbiting around the bloody planet and doing some really important stuff, on the terrifying edge of deep space. Can you please stop asking us what colour the sodding dress is?”

While actor Samuel L. Jackson said: “Say blue dress again Motherf****r. Say blue dress one more god damned time,”

Latest news just in – Evil, haunted dress to be burned.