Jeremy Kyle ‘Still A Bellend’ Say Experts

Modern witch finder general Jeremy Kyle’s pertinent rollocking about male victims of domestic violence may be trending today, but experts are quick to point out that he remains one of Britain’s biggest bell ends.

Lord Joldemort

Lord Joldemort issued the dressing-down during an episode of his popular daytime show. For readers not familiar with ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’, it’s a sort of cross between a job centre waiting room on a Wednesday afternoon in Stoke-on-Trent, and a 17th century hanging. Populated mainly by cross-eyed peasants, whose ancestors may have mated with turnips at some point during the reign of Richard the Third, the show was inspired by medieval witch trials. Unfortunately both goats and other livestock as witnesses are not allowed due to health and safety concerns, and the traditional ducking stool has been replaced with a Polygraph test.

Jeremy Vile, as the British public affectionately knows him, acts as a kind of Papa Lazarus to the orgy of sex, lies and criminal dentistry that takes place on the stage, which is built over a deconsecrated plague pit, and said to be cursed.

Although Kyle’s tirade at the audience for laughing at a domestic violence incident was justified, say experts, they are also quick to point out that this in no way detracts from him being a humungous bell end.

“One of the biggest we’ve ever seen in fact,”

Said an expert.

“It’s rare that a bell end of such epic proportions survives into middle age, as barking “PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT!” at volatile peasants after berating them for an an hour in front of a baying mob can be extremely dangerous. But this wily old wanker has not only thrived, but also managed to spawn. A magnificent specimen indeed. Britain’s biggest in fact,”

Gigantic Stupid Cockwombles Tag Themselves Safe In Nepal Earthquake

Earthquakes can be terrifying and horrible, particularly if they happen on your street. Fortunately some complete and total cockwombles have found a way to lighten the mood, for those of us that haven’t have to climb out of a pile of rubble today.


Darren Brick, a massive tool from Milton Keynes tagged himself and his girlfriend while they were in the pub.

“We’ve never been to Nepal. We don’t even know where it is. All this depressing stuff on Facebook is annoying and I thought it would be funny,”

He said, drinking his douchey drink with his moronic face.

An expert in Cockwomblery from Oxford university said:

“Unfortunately, some people are just born cockwombles. It’s like they’ve been dropped on their heads as infants and then forced to watch endless re-runs of ‘Big Brother’ until they literally can’t form a sensitive response to something without turning into a shit comedian.  I would feel sorry for them, if I didn’t think they needed a nice, relaxing swim in a piranha tank,”

Nobody Willing To Admit To Voting Tory

A post election poll shows that nobody in the UK appeared to vote for the conservative party, apart from a handful of posh old fruitcakes that don’t give a shit what people think, because they’re ancient and loaded.

tory gobshite

The survey, conducted by a random sampling of Facebook user’s updates that contained the words “vote” or “election” reveals that users are unwilling to admit to voting Conservative, even if they did. The majority of posts mention the Labour party, followed by the Liberal Democrat and Green parties. Posts in support of the Conservative party are conspicuously absent.

It is thought that a combination of guilt for being a self-serving, greedy little bastard that doesn’t give a shit about anything apart from money, and the baying mobs gathering in several parts of the country are to blame. An alternative theory is that the election was rigged. But of course this only happens in countries run by corrupt, narcissistic despots

Twats Tweeting Twattily About Apple Watch On Twitter

Twats worldwide have been Tweeting twattilly on Twitter about their new Apple watches.

apple watch

“Look at me, I’ve got a black and gold one!”

Tweeted a twat in Australia, proudly showing of his twatty new wristwear to his twat friends.

Twats on twat-playground Instagram that pre-ordered the Apple watch have been taking twatty pictures of themselves unboxing the twatty new technology, designed especially for twats.

Twattily using loads of hashtags to alert as many Instagram users as possible that they’re a massive twat with the technology to prove it, many twats opted for the particularly twatty #nofilter hashtag to tag selfies of them wearing the watch. This is twat shorthand for ‘I like, don’t need a flattering filter to make me good looking’ thus proving that they are twats.

A twat in the UK posted a picture of his arm showing the watch, a ‘casually placed’ expensive laptop in the background and an Armani cufflink on his twatty purple shirt. Other users snapped their watch synching with their I-Phone, as if this would somehow compensate for them being a twat, and some twat of a footballer even got invited to the Apple store to be personally shown how to set up the twatty piece of arm equipment.

23 delusional twats in Sydney, Australia spent several hours of their twatty lives that they’re never going to get back, fruitlessly queuing outside the Apple store to buy one. Unfortunately for these wannabe twats, the true twats tweeting twattily about their pre-ordered Twat-watches are going to have the last laugh. Twattily, probably.

Everyone Taking Part In #kyliejennerchallenge To Be Smacked And Sent To Bed

Under new guidelines, every teenager taking part in the ‘Kylie Jenner Challenge’ – which involves applying suction to the lips to inflate them to Pete Burns proportions, is to be smacked on the legs on Saturday night, and set to bed at 7.30pm with no Wifi.

kylie jenner challenge

The government watchdog that monitors Internet trends and their effect on teenagers said:

“This is getting bloody silly now. We thought having the Internet would make teenagers smarter, but they’re all blowing their lips up to copy some daft American bint. We feel that a good old fashioned slap on the legs, and a night of doing homework with no Twitter will do them the world of good,”

The mass smacking and sending to bed will take place this Saturday at 7pm. Teenagers are already hastily deleting their pictures of their bruised faces and exploded lips, but the government warns:

“We’re sending a letter to your parents, so we suggest you stop being silly, get on with your homework and do a few extra chores around the house to apologise to your parents for making wazzocks of yourselves on the Internet. And wipe that bloody slap off, you’re a 16 year old schoolgirl, not a 60 year old strippergram,”

David Cameron ‘Technically Not A C***’ Claims Leading Academic

Calling Prime Minister David Cameron an extremely rude word for a lady’s personal area on Twitter has been a national pastime for the last 5 Years.

 david cameron

But a leading academic has pointed out that Cameron lacks both the depth and the warmth to accurately be described as a c****.

“Of course, the dissimilarity doesn’t end there. There are lots of occasions where you would be delighted to see a real life c****, which isn’t the case with David Cameron.

“Many men and some ladies rather like c****s, and even people that aren’t overly fond of them definitely appreciate their usefulness. Which is again, something you can’t really say about the Prime Minister.

He then suggested re-claiming the word c***, as it was starting to “become ruined” by being associated with David Cameron.

“How about we all start calling him a ‘shape-shifting horse-f*****’, like somebody recently did on Twitter?”

Top 4 People Grammar Freaks Need To Unfriend Right Now

If you’re a lover of the English language, then Facebook could be bad for your health.


A doctor and lifetime sufferer of ‘Grammar Rage’ has warned that grammar and punctuation fans can suffer dangerous levels of stress while scrolling through Facebook.

“While most people might not even notice the apostrophe on a sign that says ‘Pie’s For Sale’, this will send a stickler for grammar into cold shivers and in some cases, a fit of violent rage.

“As much as we try to ignore the fact that some people appear to have allowed their cat to type their Facebook statuses, or have simply sat on the keyboard and jumped up and down, it does register in a very deep part of the brain.

“Daily exposure to this type of dribbling stupidity and derp-happy disregard for the English language can cause long-term health problems related to stress,”

Said Doctor Hemmingway.

“It isn’t just grammar. People taking liberties with basic English, such as inventing their own punctuation or simply omitting it all together can cause similar levels of murderous, deeply internalised rage.

“There is a simple test in this article to see if you are a hard-core grammar fan & potential sufferer of ‘Grammar Rage’. Simply spot the accidental mistakes the writer of this article has probably made, not counting the crass colloquialisms and silly, made up words.

“By far the worst offenders are people that are simply irritating in their own right, like people that whinge all the time or clog up your feed with their nauseous poetry, or pretentious musings on the meaning of their own utterly un-interesting lives. When this is combined with a sort of muck-spreader approach to punctuation, or with text speak, excessive use of emoticons, or loads of ellipses to indicate that they are deep and clever, this causes a build-up of stabby anger that can manifest into all sorts of problems later on down the line.”

Doctor Hemmingway advises sufferers to simply block, or at least hide the posts of the worst offenders. Here’s a guide to avoiding the worst of Facebook:

Haiku Guy (or girl)

 The one that

Types their status

in a sort of

Mournful Poetic

Nonsense Badger

Scrambled eggs Irritating

Haiku style

“These people are simply idiots, and there is no helping them,”

said Doctor Hemmingway. “They are obviously aware on some level that the English language does have rules, but that they are too special to take much notice of them, and have decided to invent their own,”

Left Foot Typist

The person that appears to have typed every status standing on one leg, with their none-dominant big toe.

“Words are made of certain letters, and they go in a certain order. Why some people feel forget this or feel the need to mess with this is beyond most fully-functioning human being’s comprehension.

This goes way beyond not being able to spell very well, and it’s usually easy to spot if somebody is simply dyslexic, because they will try to write something coherent and muddle things up accidentally, which is absolutely fine. The true grammar freak understands this, and respects the person for giving it a bash. What I’m talking about is people that appear to have face-planted the keyboard several times and then added the word ‘lol’ at the end,”

Winnie The Pooh Capitaliser

 When a Status contains randomly Capitalised letters, for absolutely No reason whatsoever.

“When a grammar fiend reads a status like this, they picture the writer typing slowly with one finger, with their tongue sticking out as they deliberately capitalise each individual letter. And it makes them want to punch that person in the face,”


People that use text speak, when there is a fully functioning keyboard containing all the letters they may need in front of them.

“The English language is constantly changing, and we all use slang and abbreviations sometimes. But Facebook is public, and if you type like a member of the cast of “The Only Way Is Essex” might text their partner after a night of free cocktails, then grammar freaks will be judging you. “We can just about forgive teenagers for writing like idiots, and hope that they will grow out of it. But anyone over the age of 19 is now out of the larval stage, and therefore worthy of our rage,”

Facebook To Test ‘Nobody Cares’ button

Popular social networking site Facebook is to add a new feature. As well as being able to ‘like’, comment or share a status, users will now be able to click a ‘Nobody Cares’ button.


The extra button, which will appear next to the ‘like’ button, will feature a small, crappy icon of a hand with its middle finger raised, next to the words ‘NOBODY CARES’.

It is expected to be popular with users whose Facebook friends post about going to the gym a lot, share Instagrams of their dinner, and post elevety trillion pictures of their ugly, howling children with Spaghetti Hoops all over their face.

Not all users are supportive of the new button. One anonymous user complained that it would take all of the fun out of ‘Vaguebooking’ – the practice of posting a passive-aggressive status about an unnamed user, designed to instil guilt and paranoia in other Facebook users.

“If I post up some vague, attention seeking claptrap designed to elicit sympathy from girls, I’m going to look a right muppet when all my mates click the ‘Nobody Cares’ button. I don’t like this new change at all,”

Said Brian Moron, a student from Merseyside.

Some users have criticised the move as a cynical attempt to hike up interactions on Facebook, so that they can charge advertisers more money.

“That’s exactly what it is,” said Oscar Satan, who is in charge of testing the new button. “We all know how rude people are on the Internet, when you can’t physically get punched in the face. This is just making it much easier to be rude and dismissive.