Exposure Now Legal Tender For Magicians

The law has been changed to allow magicians and performers to pay for their rent, mortgage and groceries with ‘exposure’.

Under the new legislation, magicians will be able to purchase new equipment with sausage rolls from the buffet, and all performers will get a hefty discount on their mortgages and rent by working for ‘exposure’.

Mentalist Jon Randall from London said:

“I am very much looking forward to paying my council tax with the fact that somebody from the penultimate round of Britain’s Got Talent might be in the audience. This is fantastic news,”

Under the old law, it was impossible to pay for goods and services by mentioning that you did “a really great gig last week, no pay but it’s getting my name out there innit,”

Although not all exposure is good for magicians, and some types can get you thrown out of the Magic Circle, the public are nevertheless convinced that they can help a magician’s career by not paying them.

An illusionist from Plumstead said:

“I fooled Penn & Teller you know, but people still insist that they’re helping me out by asking me to work for them for nothing. But now I can accept all of those invitations to do gigs for ‘exposure’, and still be able to afford all of those knock off Chinese magic effects I’ve always wanted. And I’ll be able to swap the sausage rolls from the buffet for a Nandos meal. This is amazing,”

Thanks to a ‘Deep Throat’ in the Magic Circle for help with this post.

Beer And ‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Bands And Musicians

A recent change in the law will allow musicians to exchange free beer, buffet food and ‘exposure’ for petrol, rent and guitar strings. Under the new legislation, it will be possible to pay for studio time or even a mortgage, by mentioning the ‘really big gig’ you performed at last week for no money, especially if there were celebs at it.

A bass player from Manchester said:

“This is really good news for bands and musicians. I’m looking forward to buying a new bass with the sausage rolls and four pints of Strongbow I was promised for doing a wedding last week. At last, the government are doing something to support working musicians,”

Under the old law, it was impossible to pay for any kind of goods or service with the bullshit idea that you are ‘getting your name out there’ by entertaining a bored crowd that have never heard of you, trying their hardest to get legless and cop off with each other at a badly organised event. But this new legislation paves the way for people that don’t want to pay for bands to hire bands, and for musicians to pay their mortgages with plastic glasses of warm ale and vague promises of future paid work.

“I was offered an unpaid spot at a posh wedding, on the promise that there were influential people among the guests that might help my career. I’m looking forward to name-dropping some B-list celebs and people off the telly at my building society, and getting a third off my mortgage this month,”

Said a professional flute player from Southampton.

“I’ve been a professional musician for fifteen years, and I normally feel like telling people to fuck off when they ask me to do stuff like that. But now I can finally afford to live on the total twaddle of some tight fisted bugger that wants me to do them a favour and doesn’t want to pay me,”

Photo from Wikipedia

Models Can Now Spend ‘Exposure’ At La Perla And ASOS

Jobbing models everywhere are getting a financial break from the government.

Until now, promises of ‘exposure’ from photographers and companies were almost completely useless, and usually just way to con some free tits for a photo shoot.

But models can now convert ‘exposure’ into vouchers and spend them on expensive underwear and dresses for shoots.

A model from London said:

“I’m over the moon! I’m always being asked to take part in some bullshit shoot that some silly man has dreamed up, so he can boss a nubile young women about and be the envy of his mates. The last time I did one I was a calendar, and I was Miss December. I was wrapped up like a parcel, with just my arms, legs and boobs sticking out. He promised me it would be great ‘exposure’, and I was young and naïve. I looked like I’d been murdered by Father Christmas, and it made my mum cry. I think this is a great scheme,”

Tight-arsed photographers also welcome the scheme.

“I don’t pay models. In fact, I think they should pay me, the greedy young harpies, as I am providing a service for them. One of my pictures was published in Razzle in 1984, and I’ve been a photographer for fifty million years. Under this scheme, the level of ‘exposure’ I promise them can be converted into vouchers that they can use to buy knickers and dresses. I sat up all night planning my next shoot. It’s got eleven busty blondes, rose petals and swirly lollypops in. I can’t wait to get started,”

Concern that the vouchers only allow models to buy frivolous things like pants and frocks has been levelled at the scheme. A spokesperson for the treasury replied:

“Oh come on, we all know that models don’t have to do ordinary things like pay rent and buy milk. All they do all day is sit around in their negligees giggling and eating bonbons. This is really a break for the poor photographers, that have spent several thousand pounds on equipment and software, want to faff around with boobs and lighting all afternoon, yet mysteriously have no money left over to pay anyone,”

‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Photographers

A change in the law will allow photographers to pay rent on their homes & studios with ‘exposure’ instead of money. They will also be able to buy coffee, shampoo and other essentials, by mentioning to the checkout assistant that they did a big job last week for nothing, and are hoping it will bring them some paying clients.

Landlords and supermarkets are protesting this move, on the grounds that “Well what the hell am I supposed to do with ‘exposure’? I can’t pay my bills with fresh bloody air! Why can’t you just give me money like every bugger else?”

The controversial new change will allow photographers to pay for their homes and studios by doing freebies for people that want pictures of their spoiled daughter at her expensive Sweet Sixteen party, pictures of their hair-brained new business idea, or a range of merchandise they plan to sell on EBay.

The owner of an online sausage website said:

“This is a very good deal, and I can’t understand what you’re all moaning about. I own a big sausage factory, and when people see that you have photographed my famous sausages, you’ll be beating off paying clients with a mucky stick. Everybody knows that’s how it works. If you think about it, I’m actually doing you a favor by letting you photograph my sausages,”

Photographers themselves claim that they don’t really give a shit how famous your sausages are, or how many wealthy parents will be at your daughter’s swanky party that cost a grand to put on.

“The old saying went – if you pay peanuts you get monkeys,”

Said a professional photographer from Leeds.

“It used to be that if you planned to pay in imaginary benefits, good luck with your imaginary professional photographer, and the top notch professional service that you won’t be receiving. They’ll probably throw in imaginary re-touching and shoot it on a fictional Hasselblad as well,

“But with this new change in the law, I can actually pay the rent on my studio by spending the whole afternoon photographing someone’s annoying children for nothing. I can even get a free coffee in Starbucks by whipping out my portfolio and showing them all the many hours of retouching I did on some bright orange teenager whose mum told her she could be a model. This has revolutionized the field of photography, and I couldn’t be more delighted,”

A spokesperson for the National Landlords Association said:

“This is absolutely outrageous. How can anyone in their right minds hope to pay for goods and services with ‘exposure’? If we’re forced to accept the promise of future work in lieu of actual money, we’re all going to go bankrupt!”

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