Nigel Farage To Be Recycled Into Gregg’s Pasties

Ukip leader Nigel Farage is to be recycled into Gregg’s corned beef pasties, the party has announced.

Mr. Farage was a “fantastic leader and a great political communicator, and is going to taste really nice and succulent encased in pastry,” Suzanne Evans told the BBC’s Andrew Marr show.

“The time has come for Nigel to be fried up with a vat of onions and turned into corned beef pasties, for the hard working voters of this nation to finally enjoy,”

She added, noting that he would be the first party leader to be turned into savoury pastries, but wishing him all the best on his journey down the oesophaguses of lorry drivers, post men and women and students.

“I didn’t vote for him, but I would definitely eat a Nigel Farage pasty,”

Said a Gregg’s customer.

“I like all the normal ones like the corned beef one and the cheese & onion, and the sandwiches are nice as well. But it’s a real treat when they do special occasion pastry slices, and I think this one would go down a treat with a nice packet of cheese & onion crisps and a cheeky cream cake,”

Charlotte Church Threatens To Beat Prime Minister To Death With Katie Hopkins’s Arm

Welsh songstress Charlotte Church, who recently challenged Sun columnist Katie Hopkins to a charity boxing match, has now gone proper ape-shit and threatened to pull off Katie’s arm and chase the Prime Minister around Westminster with it.

“After I challenged her to a boxing match, I had a cup of tea and fag and thought about it. And then I realised I had to at least pull one of her arms off and beat Cameron to death with the sticky end,”

Said the singer, who shot to fame as an angelic classical singer.

“So I’m going to bang her lights out and then rip her bloody arms off, the moaning old Tory troll,”

“And when I’ve finished with her, I’m going to mash that smug prick Cameron in the face with the bloody end. That’ll teach him to be a lying little spoon faced weasel-shagger,”

The match is expected to raise nine trillion pounds for charity.

Tory ‘Rapture’ Scheduled For Wednesday. Unbelievers Eaten By Demons

The Conservative party have scheduled a ‘rapture’ on Wednesday afternoon, where the faithful will ascend to a new and purer Britain.

Opera singer Katherine Jenkins has been tipped to open proceedings with a rendition of ‘God Save The Queen’. In the new Utopia there will be no food banks, no hooded sweatshirts and no pesky immigrants arriving on boats, fleeing a regime that saw their whole family murdered in front of them. Daily Mail columnist Melanie Phillips has already been appointed Archbishop, and gays and lesbians are automatically excluded from the rapture, to ensure that the weather stays predictable and clement.

Everybody that voted for the Conservative party will literally leave the earth to meet their local MP in the air, and will be guided to a special version of the UK, where they can mix and breed with their own kind.

Those left behind on the day of the Rapture will be eaten by three headed dog-demons the size of ice cream vans, which will issue from Katie Hopkins’s big white Tory arse at half past three in the afternoon. There is no escape from the demons, and the public have been warned to not to even bother trying to run or hide from them.

Image from this website. LOL.

Nobody Willing To Admit To Voting Tory

A post election poll shows that nobody in the UK appeared to vote for the conservative party, apart from a handful of posh old fruitcakes that don’t give a shit what people think, because they’re ancient and loaded.

The survey, conducted by a random sampling of Facebook user’s updates that contained the words “vote” or “election” reveals that users are unwilling to admit to voting Conservative, even if they did. The majority of posts mention the Labour party, followed by the Liberal Democrat and Green parties. Posts in support of the Conservative party are conspicuously absent.

It is thought that a combination of guilt for being a self-serving, greedy little bastard that doesn’t give a shit about anything apart from money, and the baying mobs gathering in several parts of the country are to blame. An alternative theory is that the election was rigged. But of course this only happens in countries run by corrupt, narcissistic despots

Entire Country Smacked And Sent To Bed After Election

Everybody apart from Scotland is required to smack themselves on the bottom with a slipper and send themselves to bed with no tea, after this year’s election results.

 

Mum of three Norma Jones said she had thrown the nice lasagne and bottle of wine she was keeping for Friday in the bin, and was planning on sending herself and her husband to bed at half past six with no Wifi or giggling.

Geography teacher Leonard Powell said “It’s not just everyone else I’ve let down. I’ve let myself down as well. I was going to pop to the pub tonight as it’s been a rough week, but I’m going to sit in my bedroom in the dark with no heating on and mark some homework by candlelight,”

Anybody caught out on the street after half past six this evening will be made to copy out David Cameron’s autobiography in their neatest handwriting, and then throw it in the bin.

Top Ten Hidden Gems From #WhyImVotingUkip

With election day looming like a storm cloud above a pride parade, here’s a last minute selection of snigger-inspiring tweets from the #WhyImVotingUkip debacle on Wednesday night.

Upholding the great British tradition of taking the piss, we trawled Twitter to bring you ten tweets from the public to make you giggle-snort.

Grant Shapps Denies Drawing ‘Comedy Breasts’ On George Osbourne’s Homework

Tory party chairman Grant Shapps has been accused of defacing rival’s homework with drawings of large pairs of jiggling, ‘comedy breasts’ and other graffiti.

Cabinet colleague George Osborne was shocked to discover a huge pair of lady’s breasts scrawled in red pen across a page containing the minutes of a meeting that had taken place earlier that day. There was also an offensive statement about George Osbourne’s mother, which the minister has denounced as “utterly untrue and deeply immature”.

Shapps has denied the accusations, claiming that they are part of a smear campaign, and that the MP probably drew the boobs himself and then forgot about it.

When it was pointed out that some of the offensive statements, such as “I smell of poo” and “Karl Turner 4 Katie Hopkins” appeared to be written in his handwriting, he dismissed this as a coincidence.

Porn Star Outed As Ukip Candidate

“I’ll never be able to look at his wrinkly old balls bouncing back and forth in the same way again,”

The words of one former fan of veteran porn baron Johnny Rockard from Bristol, after was outed as ‘John Langley’, parliamentary candidate for Ukip.

“It just makes me feel so dirty,”

Said another fan on Twitter.

After it was revealed that porn star Jonny Rockard was in fact Ukip parliamentary candidate ‘John Langley’, a senior porn official has stated that the industry is “proud” to represent people, whatever they do in their private lives – but that Rockard’s other career might compromise his movies.

“After all, we make a living sticking things up people’s bottoms, and we’re as diverse and bisexual as they cum, so we’re not really in a position to judge anyone. Unlike Ukip, we’re accepting of everybody. We’re very disappointed in Johnny, as this is all a bit distasteful and sordid. He’s going to have to have a long, hard, throbbing think about his future in this industry,”

Popular porn actress Busty McGuire has hit out at the revelation, saying she is “disgusted” and calling for his resignation from the grot industry, saying:

“This is entirely inappropriate, and I think he should resign. Porn is truly one of the most diverse, supportive and accepting industries. We all understand what it’s like to be the targets of discrimination and hate because of who we are, and I am just appalled that somebody within our ranks has turned out to be a dirty old Ukipper,”

Half Of Ukip Voters Don’t Trust Cats

Around half of Ukip voters clain they don’t trust cats, finding them all slinky and inscrutable, new opinion research has found.

When pollster YouGov asked Farage fans whether they would describe themselves as prejudiced against felines, only 49% said they were not prejudiced.

35% of Ukip voters needed the question explaining to them twice, with a picture of a cat as a visual aid.

45% of the slack-jawed football hooligans admitted to being “a little prejudiced” while 6% said they were “very prejudiced” – a total of 48%

Of those that admitted to being prejudiced against cats, 26% said they would kick a cat if they saw one, 44% said that cats are “definitely up to something” and 12% said cats were to blame for a rise in crime, despite a recent drop in crime.

Reasons given for being suspicious of cats varied, but a general theme of “they’re all bendy and they make a funny noise” and “Well I’m really more of a dog person, so cats are just wrong” did emerge from the research.

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts