Ryanair Passengers Handed Sheets Of Sandpaper & Told To Shut Up

Passengers on board a Ryanair flight to London from Spain were handed sheets of coarsely graded sandpaper en route to the lavatory, and told to “shut up” and “stop your whining” by stewards.

It is understood that the three-hour flight was deliberately made without refilling the toilet tissue dispensers, in an effort to keep ticket prices low.

A spokesperson for Ryanair said in a statement:

“We planned to introduce a pay-per-poo charge in the aircraft lavatories, but this proved unpopular with passengers. When we tried to sell them toilet paper at £1.50 per sheet, passengers simply brought their own, or used the back pages of ’50 Shades Of Grey’. We had no alternative but to ban kitten-soft from the aircraft completely, and issue passengers with sheets of abrasive sanding material instead. The last thing we want is anyone enjoying a relaxing poo in-flight, without paying for it as an optional extra,”

Pensioner Sydney Biscuit, who regularly enjoys relaxing 40 minute dumps on Ryanair flights when he visits family in Milton Keynes said:

“They ought to string’em up and throw away the key! My poor old balloon knot feels like a chewed orange now. I can’t believe I died in the war for this kind of treatment,”

“Disgusting,” said his wife Edna Biscuit. “I’m not sure who to blame for this, but it was probably Katie Hopkins, the dirty bitch. They’ll be making us squat over a gaping hole in the floor next, with a little man dressed as Satan slapping you in the face if you take more than five minutes,”

“What an excellent idea,”

Said the Ryanair spokesperson.

“Let me just make a note of that,”

Pensioner Causes Mucky Minded Pile Up Over Skirt

An elderly lady from Stone in Staffordshire caused a 15 person pile-up of dirty-minded members of the public in the market place today. An ambulance was called to treat bruises.

Pensioner Gladys Oatcake said she didn’t mean to cause the crush, and that she was only deciding which skirt to buy from a market stall.

“I was torn between the pink and the brown you see. I was chatting to the stallholder, and I mentioned that I really loved it in the pink, but wondered if I’d like it in the brown as well, just for a change,”

Gladys told the reporter, who spat out his coffee onto a passing Yorkshire terrier.

“He told me that the pink is roomier and I might find the brown a bit tight, but it would stretch after a while. And then he walked off as if he was going to cry. They looked the same size to me though,”

She added, clarifying that she had no idea what caused the pile-up, or why a passing builder started videoing her on his mobile ‘phone.

“My sister in law Sandra would prefer the brown, and any time she’s got a choice she’d go for the brown, whereas I’d probably be more comfortable with it in the pink. I wouldn’t even consider the brown normally, but Sandra suggested I try the brown as a change from pink, so that’s what I was wondering when people started videoing me on their ‘phones. I couldn’t understand what was going on,”

According to witnesses, a man on a nearby stall

“Cracked up laughing, got his ‘phone out and started videoing Gladys. But he wasn’t watching where he was going, and all of the other people listening to the conversation and sniggering managed to end up tripping over each other and ended up in a heap on the floor outside Superdrug,”

A video taken seconds before the human pile-up recorded Gladys telling the stallholder, who had covered his face with his scarf

“I could have it in the pink and the brown I supposed. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll take it in the pink and the brown please, and then I can always change my mind if it’s too tight. Or Sandra can have it in the brown instead. It’ll be a nice surprise for her,”

The video footage captured the beginning of the pile-up, as a passing mum of two walked into a lamppost in hysterics, and several people tripped over her trying to listen to the conversation.

When questioned, Gladys maintains that she has no idea why everybody was listening to her trying to buy a skirt. When it was suggested that there might have been another meaning to her conversation with the stallholder, Gladys said:

“Oh no! There was nothing mucky about it. I was only deciding which skirt to buy. You shouldn’t do things like that anyway. A friend of mine did that years ago, and she shat herself in Homebase,”

Touching Poem From Heavy Metal Granny Goes Viral

An elderly heavy metal fan, who lived to the grand old age of 117 has left behind a touching poem for her 18 year old granddaughter.

Margaret “Motorhead” Braithwaite from Burlsem, Stoke-On-Trent, tragically passed away last Wednesday.   Her daughter found this heartfelt advice in her belongings. Addressed to her great granddaughter Kim, also a fan of bands such as Rammstien, it was shared on social media as a tribute, and has since gone viral.

“It is really touching and sweet, and I will treasure this forever,”

Said Kim.

Margaret’s poem:

I’ve had a long and lovely life

And now I’m old and grey

I’d like to share a secret

That has helped me on my way

Heavy metal, sex and drugs

Are brilliant things to do

If anybody says they’re not

Just smile and say…

Thank you!

My memories are so precious to me

Do you remember the Download all dayer?

When your dear old Granddad lifted me up

So I could show my tits to off to Slayer

Having kinks when you’re old is much less of a chore

It gets easier as every year passes

I used to tie up and blindfold your Granddad

And now I just hide his best glasses

And I’ll never forget the time, my dear

Just after we’d been to a party

Your Granddad had banged me so jolly hard

The neighbours thought we’d been bombed by the Nazis.

Or that time out in Spain, where I got a tattoo

And was up until 4am raving

Then we found German scat on channel 900

And now we’re both banned from Haven

So remember, just because you get old

And your bits and bobs go slightly crinkly

You don’t have to stop living or listening to metal

Just because your bum’s gone a bit wrinkly

All my love,

Granny Margaret.

P.S. METAL FOREVER!

‘Buses Smell Of Shit Because We Hate Poor People’ Says Transport Secretary

The government have announced a new scheme to ensure that all busses stink of shitty pants by 2015.

“Buses are one of the government’s many, creative ways of saying “We hate poor people,” said the Secretary of State for Transport, Patrick McLoughlin.

“Outside of London particularly, we tend to think of them as a combination of cattle wagon, rag ‘n’ bone cart, and a sort of punishment for being elderly, disabled or poor,”

A spokesperson for Arriva buses issued a statement that said:

“This is an important initiative. Whether you’re a student, a nurse, a single mother, disabled pensioner or simply can’t afford a car, the last thing we want is for you to simply enjoy a safe and comfortable bus ride at the end of a long shift or on your way to the hospital for treatment.  As well as hiking the price up every year, we plan to recruit people that smell of gin, vomit and piss, argue with the pixies in their head and attempt to lick other passengers in the face. They’ll be paid minimum wage, unless they’re on Jobseekers, in which case we’ll force them to do it for nothing, to sit at the back of the bus and shit their pants. We may even train them to whistle while they stink away, just to add to the general air of unease of an average bus rise, especially late at night.

“Bus drivers will also benefit from this inititative, as we feel they are often too friendly and cheery, and talk to the passengers too much. A shitty smell emanating from a dodgy-looking character sitting at the back of the bus is sure to nip any sense of good will towards passengers in the bud, before it develops into a full blown conversation about the weather, and begins the slippery slope towards an uneventful, efficient and even pleasant bus ride,”

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