ebola – The Beezly Street Gazette

Unexploded Katie Hopkins Found In Central London

An army bomb disposal squad was today trying to remove an unexploded former ‘Apprentice’ candidate with a face like a slapped arse and three miserable kids, from a building in Central London.

Speaking on LBC live, Boris Johnson said:

“We can’t take any risks with the thing. We’re going to cart it off to Kent and blow it up,”

The reality TV star, who was discovered in the basement of a building in the Tower Bridge area of London, was in “significant danger” of exploding, said disposal experts.

A spokesperson for the London Fire Brigade said:

“This is a densely populated area, and there is a diverse mixture of people living and working here. If detonated, the Katie Hopkins could launch into a demonic tirade about absolutely anybody.

The evacuation zone around Katie Hopkins is home to more than 1200 people. A local resident, who has been forced to sleep in a community centre said:

“I’m not allowed to go home until the malignant old relic has been disposed of. I hope they hurry up and explode the terrible artefact, before it breeds or goes on This Morning again,”

Ebola Facial For Kim Kardashian

Celebs are flocking to an upmarket London salon screaming, “Take my money, just goddamn take it!” and “I’m famous, do I get a free one?” to take advantage of a controversial new anti-aging treatment. But Kim Kardashian got her sticky celeb dibs in there first, after threatening the staff with Kanye’s poetry.

Dubbed the ‘Ebola Facial’, the treatment promises ‘Full Rejuvenation’ of the face and neck. The creator of the pioneering new treatment said:

“There is some vomiting and a fever, but very little internal bleeding. Ebola gets a rough ride in the press, but celebrities would inject liquidised dog shit into their faces with a rusty needle if they thought it would make them pretty, and loads of people copy Trashy Kardashy, so obviously we’re going to make a mint out of this,”

Adding:

“When Madonna heard about it, she ordered 24 tubs of Ebola-infected bat dung for her entourage,”

The treatment was pioneered by Oxford student Sophie Fulham-Wexley. During the inventor’s gap year, she helped out at an orphanage for terminally ill children in Africa, where many of the children and young teenagers had contracted Ebola.

“I was out there photographing the terminally ill children for my Instagram account. You know, to raise awareness. I was so astonished at how youthful the children looked, I left the orphanage and flew home straight away. After negotiating a grant from my Father’s pharmaceutical business, I developed a way to turn Ebola into a luxury facial.

Proper doctors everywhere have universally condemned the practise of rubbing Ebola-infected bat faeces onto the face and neck. But the ones that flog homeopathic medicine and magic rocks are jumping up and down, and rubbing their hands together with glee.

“We can’t wait to start selling Ebola ‘cures’ to these absolute idiots,” said a Knightsbridge crystal healer and pet therapist. “I’ve already booked a holiday in the Bahamas,”