Conservatives To Introduce Brand New Blood Sports

The Conservative party has announced plans to introduce brand new blood sports to the UK to counter the perceived elitism of fox hunting. Prime Minister David Cameron said in a press conference:

“We have listened to the people, and what Britain really needs right now is the freedom to get one’s rocks off by torturing animals. That is why we are planning to introduce several new, legal types of blood sports to the UK as soon as possible,”

The sports confirmed so far are cat kicking, stag stabbing, rabbit raping, mole murdering and badger bumming.

The new sports will be completely legal, as long as they are properly organised, participants wear the correct equipment and there’s a bit of a piss up afterwards.

Your Dog Loves You A Super Creepy Amount

A recent study suggests that dogs love their owners in a way that would be “super creepy” if they were humans.

Dolly, a King Charles spaniel from Milton Keynes said:

“I love my owner Susan so much, I literally want to be surgically grafted onto her back, so that I can lick her ice-creams over her shoulder. Nothing short of a full, medical operation to turn us into Siamese Twins will ever sate the ocean of obsessive love I feel for Susan,”

Rocky, a 4 year old Staffy from Cardiff said:

“I lick my owner Brian’s arm every day, because ingesting his dead skin cells and salt from his beautiful arm makes me feel closer to him. The only reason I have not dragged his girlfriend in front of a bus, is because I just can’t bear to see him upset,”

91% of dogs said that had scrolled through their owner’s ‘phones to see who they had been talking to. 57% had considered secretly bumping off other pets or partners in a fit of jealousy, and 33% admitted that their favourite song was the ballad “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith, as it reminded them of the night their owner fell asleep on the sofa, and they just stared at them the entire time they were sleeping.

Dogs Depressed About Missing Testicles

Up to 50% of male dogs sometimes get a bit upset about having no balls, a new study has shown.

When questioned, 21% of dogs said yes, now that you come to mention it, I do miss my balls. 9% felt sad about it from time to time, but both sticks and the smell of bacon cheered them up, and a staggering 40% believe that they could have prevented being neutered by being a ‘good boy’.

20% of dogs admitted to mildly missing them “when they had a bit of a lick and a grunt about down there, and remembered that they were missing”.

7 year old Shep from Worksop said:

“I used to have a magnificent pair of balls. I’m brown and white, so one of them was nearly all white and one was nearly all brown. They were amazing.

“I wasn’t any trouble when I had a big old pair of giggleberrys. In fact, I was full of life, vitality and everything you see in the Pedigree Chum adverts. Then one day I went for a ride in the car, met a nice man with a stethoscope around his neck and woke up wearing the Cone of Shame. I’ve been a bit depressed about it to be honest. In between being ridiculous happy because I found a stick, and overjoyed to the point of spontaneous combustion when my owner comes home from work.

“I sometimes sit there staring into space, thinking about my balls. I wonder where they are now, and if they’re happy. Then my owner asks me if I’m a good boy. I think to myself, if that’s what you do to good boys, what on earth do you do to naughty ones?”

‘Evil’ Crufts Owner Caught Red Handed

A woman from Cleethorpes has been disqualified from Crufts, after an official overheard her trying to blackmail a Mastiff named Murphy into going for a poo during the show.

“She was showing the dog that video, where the black mongrel Libby takes a dump in the middle of the agility course and gets disqualified. She showed the video to the dog twice,”

Said the official, who has given a statement to the police.

The dog allegedly blackmailed by a jealous owner.

“Then the woman told the Mastiff that he was a good boy, and that good boys go poopy on show day, or they get sent to the pound. She told him that he wouldn’t be a good boy any more if he didn’t, and then she produced several rashers of bacon, and fed them through the bars of the cage, while chanting ‘Good boys go poopy, bad boys go to the pound,’ and promised more bacon after the dog had shat in front of judges and officials,”

The animal’s owner maintains that Murphy would never have agreed to the terms, and was simply wagging his tail because he loves bacon.

Photo: http://www.birminghammail.co.uk

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