Living Saint Gwyneth Paltrow To Perform Holy Miracle With Food Stamps

Saintly kale-muncher Gwyneth Paltrow has graciously accepted a challenge to live for an entire week on a food stamp budget. Poor people everywhere are deeply touched by the multi-millionairess ‘having a go’ at being too poor to buy food, and have Tweeted their support to the actress.


The mother and health nut, whose poop is probably the most nutritious superfood on earth & can be eaten raw with a grapefruit spoon to cure baldness, tweeted a picture of a single loaf of bread and a dead fish, claiming that was her food for the week.

“I’ll take my knickers off and moon at the bread and the fish. The holy light issuing from my ass will ensure that there will always be enough bread and fish. I’ll serve it simply and humbly, with some lime and cilantro. I don’t know why poor people don’t just miracle their bread and fish, instead of stuffing themselves full of junk food. There would be plenty of money left over to buy limes and cilantro if everybody did this,”

Said the actress on her ‘Goop’ website, where she plans to make a huge deal of how you can live on food stamps for a week and still make delicious, healthy dishes at your leisure, in your gigantic farmhouse-style kitchen in your heated mansion, thus proving how stupid and lazy poor people are.

“She’s a living saint,”

Said the owner of a food bank in Manchester. “I am going to write to her and ask her for some recipes for Smart Price cornflakes, a small carton of skimmed UHT milk and a can of value beans,”

Gwyneth Paltrow Feasts On The Souls Of The Undead

Skinny Star Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed the secrets of her enviable figure on her lifestyle webazine ‘Goop’ – and it’s a load of hot air!  We’ve got a mate at the News Of The World, so we hacked into her email and retrieved her daily menu.


“It’s all about eating air, mist, vapours, ethereal substances and the souls of the undead, stuff like that. I don’t do that crazy, unhealthy stuff like skipping meals. And at the weekends, I just eat normally like a regular, all-American, macrobiotic, low carb, vegan gal,”

The most controversial part of the diet is the consumption of lost and wandering souls that are trapped between earth and the afterlife, unable to move on.

gwn ghost

“Strictly speaking, I’m a Vegan, so that part was hard to get my head around. But they are ethically summoned by a fully qualified Witch Doctor and naturopath, and I truly believe they are going to a better place once they pass through my digestive system,”

Sample menu:


Donuts for breakfast is my idea of heaven. But what I do is I only eat the hole in the middle, and I throw the donut away, because it’s just empty calories.


Lunch is often steam, which I flavour with herbs and spices before inhaling. I use a beautiful, ritual cloth made by Native American shamans to trap the steam between my head and the bowl, and I just inhale it while visualising a mandala made of healthy, pink colons.



I’m starting to conjure up my own lost and wandering souls now, which I found difficult to do at first. You have to spend several days in prayer in a sweat lodge and light a lot of candles at first. So once I’ve commanded the unhappy spirit to a magical circle, I then force it into a vessel of brass – my Allessi fish poacher! I then cook the pathetic wretch until it’s a tiny blob of jellied ectoplasm, which I eat with kale or quinoa porridge.


I try to keep treats to a minimum, as I find my children, regular meditation and my fabulous career more fulfilling than stuffing my face with Oreos. Once in a while though, if I’m feeling naughty, I’ll treat myself to a slice of buttered ghost.

Latest Celebrity Diet ‘Dog Poo And Gravel’

If you want to walk about on the beach without being fat, a top nutritionist has revealed the diet you need to lose weight FAST! And the ingredients could be in your own backyard.


Nutritionist Sondra Kale has worked with Carol Vorderman and the stars of Geordie Shore to improve their figures. She’s devised an ingenious diet plan that even the busiest mum or Career Woman can fit around their lifestyle. It’s called the ‘Dog Poo & Gravel’ plan, and you could see results in a little as 3 days.

“Whereas other diet plans have you buying organic Spirulina and snorting powdered leeches, this plan focuses on only two ingredients. If you’ve already got a dog then you’re definitely in luck,” said Sondra, throwing the ingredients for a dog poo smoothie together.

“Basically, on this plan you can eat whatever you want. You love donuts? Have one! You like Chinese food? Order as much as you like! Then, when you’re sitting in front of your food, you simply add a dog turd and pour some gravel on it,”

“It’s not a diet,” insists Sondra. “It’s a lifestyle,”

The plan begins with a delicious detox smoothie. Containing oranges, apples and bananas, this is sure to set you up for the day.

“Add one large or two small dog poos to the smoothie. Don’t add gravel yet, because it might break the blender, but you can sprinkle some over afterwards,” beams Sondra, before pouring the smoothie down the sink and putting the glass in the dishwasher.

“For lunch, I’m going to have a healthy salad, but I’ll have that with a baked potato and some cottage cheese. Then I’ll go outside and see if my Yorkshire Terrier Sadie has had a crap, and put that right in the middle of my baked potato, and sprinkle gravel all over the salad, then put the whole lot in the bin.”

“For dinner, if I’m at home I’ll have something simple like a plate of rice and steamed vegetables. I keep the dog turds in the freezer and just add them to the rice while it’s cooking. My husband is taking me out tonight though, so I’ll get Sadie to shit into a Tupperware box before we go, and I’ll probably pick up some gravel off the floor outside the restaurant,”

So far Sondra has lost over 40 pounds on the Dog Poo & Gravel diet, and her teeth have started falling out.


Gwyneth Paltrow Fitted With Stained Glass ‘Vaginal Window’

Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to have a stained glass, religious style window fitted into your vagina. But health experts believe this piece of lifestyle advice is transparently ridiculous.

“Good God, if you want to relax your vagina, why don’t you just have a twang in the bath like normal people?” Said every gynaecologist in the entire world. “Having a mini window depicting Mary Magdalene fitted up your Bacon Butterfly is both weird and dangerous,”

stained glass

After the actress raved about the treatment on her blog, the Stoke-on-Trent carpenter that carried out the procedure was booked up until 2017.

“You sit in a carpentry workshop, on what is essentially a mini woodworking table, with your legs in the air. Then a man called Alan puts his rollup out, finishes his tea and fits a tiny window depicting Mary Magdalene into the back of your vagina. This allows the sunlight that issues from your arsehole to shine its blinding, holy light into your fanny as well,”

Said the actress, adding that she believed that the procedure would benefit all women.

“You can jigger right off with that bloody nonsense,” said two hundred Yorkshire housewives on Mumsnet.